DREAM: Some kind of social gathering is going on. Margot is standing there with Emily, and a few other girls. It’s understood we’ve separated (similar to our waking life situation). Feeling uncomfortable and stressed. She’s acting diabolically sarcastic and hostile towards me. [Waking up periodically and going back to sleep…the scene switches and a new dream begins but the same stressful and tense feelings remain along with Margot appearing at different points with the same behavior.] ☼☼☼ Talking with Elliott, “I saw these big fat electric women today!” When I say “electric women” I mean “black women”. Margot and her friends walk by—an awkward glance is shared. I step into a room full of black people sitting on couches. One of them in particular starts rapping or preaching or something along those lines. He’s big and tall and his voice is deep and there’s a slight buzz to it. I hear him use the word “nigga”. Another man across the room makes fun of him to me, kind of reassuring me this was to be expected of him. ☼☼☼ Now, I’m talking with someone—describing the previous dream in great detail—mentioning how I used the term “electric women” as code to refer to “black women”. [My mind is convinced I am awake at this point, but my dream self is not smart enough to realize I’m still sleeping.]
Waking up at 4:30 p.m. I hear the drums being played in the other room. Its undeniably Rocky.
Breakfast: Toasted English Muffin with Butter and Blackberry Jam. Orange Juice. Zinc, Alfalfa Grain.
Work at China Wok—another fruitful shift.
Making a delivery to my own house—Will and Becca ordered it. I walk in and Becca is cutting Rocky’s hair. Then making a delivery two doors down to our neighbors.
At home, eating Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt N Vinegar Chips. Honey Oolong Tea.
Becca is going to start taking the Dream Juice as well.
Talking with Will and Rocky in the kitchen—dreams—memory-erasing drugs—how a memory’s details change slightly when uncovering it from long term storage.
Trimming video clips.
Stretching. Ab crunches.
Art hops on the drums in the computer room—he wants me to teach him to play. I show him a simple disco pattern for him to practice. Him and Roma are drunk off mini 7 oz. Lime Bud Lights.
Eating Vanilla Yogurt and Strawberries (a lot of strawberry liquid making it more of a Strawberries n Cream).
I meet her at the storage unit (the only place we can be in private for the time being). She wanted to talk earlier; I think to convince me she was serious when she said we should separate (I mean she changed her relationship status to “single” already so she must be serious).
♀: “Well I wanted to make sure you were on the same page.”
♂: “We’ve never been on the same page….there’s a lot of reasons why this didn’t work.”
♀: “You are such a cold fish. You are so unaffectionate.”
♂: “I like affection. I think you just expect a lot more than I’d like to give…I consider myself a very warm person.”
♀: “I’m tired of fighting. I don’t like feeling so one-sided.”
♂: “Like the other night. You go crazy. You get overly dramatic about something and then you take it out on me. It’s unfair. And you’ve done it a lot.”
♀: “Okay! I get it. I don’t make you happy.”
♂: “It’s not that you don’t make me happy. It’s your behavior. It has to do with how you act around me, how you treat me.”
Listening to the buzz of the mercury lights in the hallway. The silence is even louder. Fiddling with my fingers—clipping the dirt out from underneath my fingernails.
She gets up in a pout—ready to leave with purse in hand.
♂: “I just want you to understand that the reason why you’re making this decision is because you’re not willing to do anything differently. It’s not working because you’re not doing anything differently to change it…you’re not willing to work on it. You just want to stay the same and expect everyone to be happy.”
♀: “You don’t have to worry about making time for your crazy girlfriend anymore or having her explode on you…you can be by yourself, which is what you like to do so…”
♂: “If you were with somebody that didn’t have so many ambitions and didn’t feel late in their life and wasn’t so busy and worked like a regular job and did nothing...and they could give you all of their time. I feel like that’s the kind of person you need. Not somebody who has a vision and dream cause that’s the kind of person I am. And that dream and that vision takes over. I’m not trying to neglect you.”
The discussion continues in this manner sometimes reaching peaks of a revolutionary kind with statements like, “I have not been trying to get rid of you. I don’t know what to do with you.” and “Sex is the highest form of attention for you.”
♂: “One half of me wants to be alone and the other half really cares about you and I’m scared. I’m so comfortable with you. I’m so used to you. And you not being there is going to feel unnatural and weird. So that half of me is really scared.”
“Let’s think about these things…”
She’s crying—tears dripping down the crease of her nose and falling onto her glittery chest. This lasts for quite a while. I sit down and embrace her. Some of the conversation switches to light hearted off-topic subjects. Warming up to each other. Somehow, at a microscopic view, all the heavy debates are forgotten and eventually we feed off the sexual fire within. And it was good.
Back at the house.
Dinner: Salmon with Rice and Broccoli. Garlic Bread.
Margot and I watch Easier With Practice [2009].
Things seem like normal.
Eating a bowl of Cherrios with Brown Sugar.
Video editing.
A ½ tablespoon of Dream Juice taken like a shot with hot berry tea.
Depositing money at the bank.
Sleep 9:15 a.m.
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