Monday March 14 2011

Just before 5 p.m. I get out of bed and walk to the shop to retrieve my car—break pads and tune up are done.

Back to bed for about an hour.

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs. English Muffin with Butter and Blackberry Jam. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin D.

I meet Becca at her salon for a haircut. Her co-worker screams in shock when I take off my shirt. I did this last time I was here. And she screamed then too. I don’t like the trimmings of hair to get stuck in between my shirt and back because it gets itchy, so taking off the shirt eliminates that.

We go to Waffle House like old times.

Everything’s backwards because we’re sitting at the wrong table and we’re on opposite sides.

Our old friend, The Professor, is in his usual seat reading a Tom Clancy novel. Becca wants to replace his bookmark with a new one and see his reaction after he returns from the bathroom.

Joking about how 10 years from now I’ll compile highlights from my life and present it in a museum for people to walk through—there’d be different mediums: film clips, audio clips, paper notes, articles from certain moments and experiences. And there’d be a gift shop where you can purchase copies of the book or other memorabilia.

Eating a Waffle and drinking Coffee.

I recall something related to what Michaela McReynolds said to me once and explain to Becca, “You have relationships with people that don’t exist. You have a relationship with a person that is only in your mind. You create expectations for the person. Like for instance, when Margot first met me she saw me as somebody in her mind that I wasn’t. She developed a dream relationship with me, with somebody that didn’t exist, that only existed in her mind. That creates conflicts. It’s weird. I do the same thing. Everybody does that. Dream relationships."

Becca: “You can’t help it. Cause you don’t know everything.”

Me: “Yeah you fill in the blanks. The things that you don’t know about them you just assume. You make them how you want them in your mind. But what’s cool is when you start to really get to know them. It’s weird. You can actually start to fall in love with the person that they are and not the person that you want them to be.”

Becca: “You’re pleasantly surprised.”

Me: “Your like, Oh she’s not everything I thought she was but I think I can love this.”

Becca: “Because sometimes what you think you want or need is actually maybe not quite what you want or need and its something outside of that realm, that box…”

Me: “Yeah, that dream realm.”

Me: “That’s exactly what everybody’s afraid of. When it comes to rejection, they’re thinking in their mind Well, if I spill my guts out on the table for this person and they reject it then every time I see them I’ll feel rejected.”

Becca: “Yeah I would be really uncomfortable and pining for them.”

Me: “But you can have hope that once you put your guts out on the table, put your heart out there, that person will…even though they reject you then at that moment, in the back of their head they’ll be thinking Oh this person is really into me. They like me. There’s something about this person that attracts them to me. And the more they think about it they’re going to develop something for you and that’s the hope that you can have. That’s what Margot did with me. And over time I developed something and here I am.”

Me: “If you don’t feed a fire it’s gonna go out. Maybe I can keep it a flame somehow.”

Becca: “It’s like the fire kind of went out previously because maybe she was smothering you…I know about fires, starting fires. My dad taught me. He was a boy scout. You gotta let it breathe. But you also have to give it some food to eat, some wood. You gotta build a little cave for it to keep warm.”

Me: “You gotta protect it so it doesn’t damage the environment around you too. You need the kindle wood, the twigs, the smaller stuff first. You can’t just put a log in there and expect it to light up. You’ve got to care for it.”

Becca: “I like to use crumpled up newspaper also.”

Me: “Yeah you take yesterday’s news and you burn it. You burn the past in order to build the fire. You let go of the past to build a new future.”

[haha]

Me: “See! It’s all a metaphor.”

Me: “If I can just be loved by someone then I can relax, like someone that appreciates every ounce of my being.”

As we’re walking out to the car I say, “You got to keep yourself excited about things. That’s the trick to being happy.”

Lunch: Tuna Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Honey Green Tea. Strawberries. Banana.

Newspaper route.

Coast to Coast—discussing alternative forms of energy and nuclear reactors.

Becca texts me: “I enjoy you Robert. I mean it, every ounce of you. Thank you for making my night.” “I forgot to tell you! Last night I dreamt there was a stray cat that jumped on my lap and I was adoring it and half it’s face was messed up. The left eye and nostril were hollowish with a thin snot like film over the opening. But I thought is was cute and didn’t really notice that.”

Dinner: Lentils and Rice with Broccoli. Garlic Naan Bread.

Starting Manic [2001]. Hand-held camera style. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. It’s like the angry teen version or prologue to 500 Days of Summer.

Search Engine Evaluation.

Counting quarters.

Sleep 10:15 a.m.