Waking up at 5:30 p.m.
Orange Juice. Banana. Zinc.
Work at China Wok.
Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.
Search Engine Evaluation.
Visiting Queen Margot at her place. I walk in and she’s wearing a purple dress and wrapped up in her royal blanket. Such a beautiful jewel.
Me: “It smells like strawberries in here.”
A scented candle is lit.
Her: “It’s pineapple.”
She bought two Hello Kitty cookies from Food Lion and gives me one.
Her: “I know how much you love Hello Kitty [hehe].”
Me: “Yeah or how much you love Hello Kitty and try to get me to…..That’s just one more thing to remind me of you.”
Her: “You’ll eat it though!”
Making Chocolate cupcakes with Vanilla icing.
I get a random phone call from an unknown number claiming to be a gay guy named Cleatus or something. “Is this Robert Smith?!” Prank call from Florida I think. It’s not the first one I’ve gotten.
On the couch with her—eating three cupcakes and watching the first few episodes of The Trailer Park Boys.
Later, we get into conversation about the change in dynamics between each other, or even how it hasn’t changed in a way—still acting affectionate and such—we just don’t know how else to behave because it’s the only way we know.
Me: “You’ve kind of been responding to me as of late. But I don’t know what’s gonna happen and I don’t expect you to know……….I’m in a weird position where I can’t really trust you. Like, I have no choice. Because you’re not with me. I’m attracted to you. You’re my first choice. And I feel like I’m not your first choice, but just a choice.
Her: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Me: “I just want to know what you want from me.”
Her: “I don’t know. I want you around.”
Me: “Yeah. But why?”
Her: “Cause I’m used to it. I like to have you there. I feel comfortable with you.”
Me: “Yeah we’re comfortable with each other.”
Talking about taking space soon, like actual space. We both have our insecurities about it.
Me: “I don’t want to cool down. I want to take advantage of this fire that I’m feeling for you so I can keep it going.”
Her: “If you really love me then why would this fire go away that you have for me?”
Me: “Because we’re not feeding it. If you don’t feed something it’s gonna die.” It won’t die and I know it. There could be a time when I have to store it up somewhere in my heart. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it safe, darling. There’s more than one way to start a fire, and even more ways to keep it alive.
She yawns like a lioness and spouts out in a somewhat playful manner, “You ruined all of my potential other relationships. You interfered with everything. You ruined all of my escapes from you.”
Me: “Exactly! You’re not escaping me. Maybe you’ll get the picture soon enough. I want you to be mine.”
Her: “I feel like sex is one of those big things that makes me feel like I’m still with you or makes you feel like you’re still with me and that things haven’t changed. I kind of want to feel like things have changed just so I can know how it feels to not be with you.”
Me: “I know. Yeah.”
Her: “I think I’ll be able to think about things a lot better…”
Me: “I love feeling connected to you.”
Her: “I know.”
Me: “I just need one more time.”
Talking about an idea where a couple that’s dated for so long split up. And then literally start all over—clean slate. They would see each other again, and pretend to meet for the first time and go on another first date, and so on. Hmm.
We come to an understanding that after this week, legitimate space should happen. After this week, because we have a few plans to fulfill.
Newspaper route.
Eating Blueberry Yogurt and snacking on Mixed Nuts.
Dinner: Spaghetti with Tomato Basil Sauce, Onions, and Mushrooms. Garlic Bread. Carrot.
Search Engine Evaluation.
Chocolate Milk.
Dropping my car off at the shop around the corner for a few things.
Studying.
Sleep 10 a.m.
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