Sunday March 6 2011

5:40 p.m. waking up.

Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin D.

Work at China Wok.

Two non-tippers in a row can create a bitter disappointment. I forgot to give one of those customers a 2-liter Sprite, so I drive back thinking it won’t be worth it. Surprisingly, despite the error on my part, the customer tips me two dollars. Oh. Worth it.

Tuna Salad Sandwich. Honey Green Tea.

I invited Margot to ride with me and attend Ken’s birthday gathering at an apartment near Shipps Corner. On the way there.

There’s a pile of yesterdays in the backseat and my favorite yesterday in the seat next to me.

She tells me about some of the distressing dreams she had last night. Of course I lead the conversation into something heavy. I park the car inside the apartment complex.

Me: “I’m trying to get into the mindset of being free and not attached to somebody. I want to be myself…..I want you to come to your own conclusions. I definitely think space helps that, as much as I hate the distance. You’ve got to figure things out on your own. As much as I want to cry to you or message you…it’s so difficult. I definitely need the space. I’m just scared of space. I feel like we built this up and here I am ready. I’ve been ready. I can’t do what you built me up to feel and now you won’t let me do that….I love you so much.”

Her: “You have glitter in your face.”

Me: “Yeah, probably from you.”

Me: “I hope you weren’t disappointed last night.”

Her: “I mean, I think in the moment I was a little bit. It’s better that nothing really happened.”

Me: “I really enjoyed that though.”

Her: “I just don’t think that’s the best thing to happen.”

Me: “What? Sex?”

Her: “Yeah.”

Me: “Then why did you come over?”

Her: “I don’t know. It was spur of the moment.”

Me: “What caused that?”

Her: “I was feeling hot. Maybe that’s what it was. Usually when I know that I look good I feel like something should happen.”

Me: “You look good everyday.”

Her: “No I looked especially good.”

Me: “True.”

Over the years I’ve grown to understand Margot’s behavior. She’s always had a strong attitude—portraying confidence, but sometimes it gives the illusion that she's secure. I’ve seen her at her worst but this is her best. She’s accomplished detachment from me. It feels cold, but it’s in her best interest to do so. I just hope she will learn to be whole and not develop another co-dependency on somebody else, which so many of us do.

Me: “You’ve made a big mark on my life. It’s really difficult to let it go. And I feel like you let it go a while ago. Which is weird coming from you. I don’t see you letting go very easily. You’re not that kind of person. You like to hold onto things….I don’t know baby, this is really difficult. I’m such a little boy.”

Her: “[snicker] You are.”

Me: “But I’m not very strong. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders. But I’m not strong.”

I reach over and embrace her, “You’re good. You’re so good….Out of everybody that you know and that you don’t even know yet, I’m the one that’s going to appreciate you the most. And I’m the one that’s gonna think you’re the most beautiful. And I’m the one that’s going to love you the most. No one’s ever gonna love you the way that I love you. I want you to understand that. I know that’s a big statement.”

Her: “Yeah.”

Me: “Don’t forget that. I’m not psychotic okay?”

Her: “I know you’re not psychotic….sometimes. [giggle]”

Me: “You’ve done crazier things than I have.”

She whispers, “Let’s not talk about that. [Haha] You drove me crazy.”

Me: “Now you’re driving me crazy.”

Sarcastically she replies, “Payback’s a bitch.”

Me: “Oh is this payback?”

Her: “This is the cosmic payback. This is not my personal payback.”

Me: “You’re right.”

Me: “I think your beauty is a curse to you. I think that’s what gives you the most stress in your life…..You make it sound like every guy in the world is after you and you turn them down, like it gives you some kind of power. That’s what I feel like you want more than a relationship. You want to be free and in control. I’m just worried and so concerned for you. You’re smart. I know you. I just care about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

I reach over to embrace her once again.

Me: “You’re so precious to me.”

She notices the golden sparkles on my face. Her: “Glitter face. You have glitter all over.”

Me: “Yeah, glitter baby.”

After about an hour of this, we come to a certain conclusive moment and look for the apartment. Ken’s outside directing me where it is—his buttoned up shirt is blowing frantically in the wind like an R&B video.

Inside. 7 or 8 people including Chris and Becca, and other friends of Ken’s. Taking turns sharing songs on the guitar. Margot’s stuck on her iphone playing scrabble—I try to help with a few words. She’s better at it than me anyway. I already played a short song earlier and towards the end they encourage me to play one more. I go for one of the newer achy songs I composed recently. As soon as I start, she leaves the room to answer a phone call and doesn’t come back until I get to the end of the song. Feeling a little offended that a phone call was more important than my music, especially this tune. It’s about you.

Back in the car. I’m supposed to perform a set at Winston’s Café—Will called me last minute yesterday about it. I just can’t do it. I just don’t have it in me, especially with her around. I pull up into my driveway. More long talks. I mention how I think I should just start talking to a new person so I can prove to myself that there’s other potential out there, but I only need enough to get me out of it with her, and then I’ll be fine. I’ll be livable and normal, or balanced. She tells me she feels like she’ll be the bitchy ex-girlfriend that gets jealous. That makes me feel a little better.

At some point, something changes in me. I feel like I can handle this. We’re talking about food and how we’re hungry. She wants mac n cheese or pizza. There’s a subtle hope inside me, not necessarily a hope that I’ll get her back, but a hope that life will be brighter, soon for me. We’re going to give each other space, like for real. She thinks it won’t last long and that I’ll be sending her some heartbreaking message by Wednesday. No I won’t. But at the same time I want her to feel like she can call me if she ever needs anything. We can get lonely. And sometimes we just need a little connection, a little love to remind ourselves the other cares.

Eating Perogies with a Yogurt Dill Dip.

Even though time does not exist, and even though reality is just one big moment interconnected, there is still change. The seasons will always revolve. New things will cross my path and enlighten me just as they always have. Don’t worry baby, you will forever be in the corner of my heart.

Newspaper route.

Eating a Cinnamon Sugar Donut with Coffee from 7-11. And a Banana.

As I’m driving down Lynnhaven Parkway, I watch a scurrying raccoon safely make it across the street and into the woods. Oh the symbolism, I am that fortunate raccoon still prowling around, full of life. The fox isn’t the only victorious one.

Coast to Coast radio—Fred Alan Wolf describes “the mind-field, he noted that the mind is not contained in the body, but rather the body is contained in the mind, and we are all of this one mind, and not separated from one another. The purpose of life stems from "God wanting to have this experience...we all sense the desire to have life...and as soon as we stop desiring these kinds of cycles, these kinds of dreams, the dream will change," he stated.”

Google exam.

Dinner: Black Beans. Artichoke Hearts. Carrot. Artesian Garlic Bread.

Exam. These search queries are getting to me.

Sleep 10 a.m.