Wednesday March 23 2011

Comfortably asleep in the queen’s bed—it’s a tad bit bigger than mine. Mildly sweating underneath the sheets, from a hard night’s sleep. She’s off to the gym, then coming back to take me to get my car at 5 p.m.

Breakfast: A bowl of Cherrios with Brown Sugar and Strawberries.

I get called into work at China Wok for an hour and half—easy money.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Watching a really cool Australian crime thriller called The Square [2008].

Rachel: "God if that couch could talk....Hahahah oh my god now that should be the 1623 movie, through the eyes of the 1623 couches....those couches have so much dirt on all of us haha oh my god that red couch."

Rachel: “...surprise attraction highs..."

Me: "i love that kind of tension. its hard to ignore. the young should never miss out on it."

Getting down and dirty with search engine evaluation work.

Rachel: "Robert i feel like theres a giant google overlord, dressed in the newspaper, eating carryout chinese, keeping you captive."

Stretching and doing crunches while on the phone with Rachel talking about the importance of being a human being.

Margot stops by. Earlier I was supposed to call her when I was done with my Google work, which I did, and texted, but of course she didn’t get any of it because her iphone’s reception sucks. We head to the ATM to deposit some money I owe her from the car.

In my room—listening to music—talking.

Me: “Doesn’t it feel like we’re still dating?”

I bring up how I feel like she’s lacked a sex drive as of late, but really it could just be the both of us. I don’t know. I think the real culprit is the uncertainty of everything, at least for me. In no way do I expect to just jump back into it with her. I know she doesn’t expect that either. There still hasn’t been any space between us. We’ve seen each other almost everyday. I don’t think either one of us knows how else to act around each other. I get kind of upset because I still feel like she’s not convinced about the sincerity of my affection and desire for her. She’s afraid of the relationship having the same issues. I truly feel like it would be drastically different. I try to explain this to her. “No one’s gonna love you like I do. It only keeps escalating.”

Feeling flustered and rushed in the kitchen to make food before I go to work. I wasn’t expecting to have any kind of talk like that. I walk her outside to the car.

Her: “Nothing’s wrong, Robert. I still care about you.”

Me: “Yeah. I know. I’ll be fine.”

I start back to the house and yell back, “I want you!”

There’s no need to be dramatic anymore. I survived the most horrible part not too long ago—but it seems like such a long time ago when all this mumbo jumbo happened. I’m gonna be fine. I’ll go along with her as long as she’s willing. I hope we can heal from the damage we’ve both caused one another. We know how it feels on both ends of the spectrum now. What more will it take for us to understand love?

Dinner: Minestrone Soup with String Beans. Garlic Naan Bread.

Newspaper route.

Eating a Bowtie Donut from 7-11 with a little Milk.

Coast to Coast Radio—discussing cold fusion and other current alternative forms of energies.

Eating Fried Eggs over medium with Cinnamon Raisin Toast.

Car maintenance.

Sleep 9 a.m.