Monday June 13 2011

My alarm went off but I dismissed it. 11:32 a.m. Waking up a little later than usual for work—cause from the stressful night before.

Full day shift at China Wok.

Eating a White Nectarine and a Mango.

My bosses are arguing in Chinese—it’s a heavy argument. Ling raves on and on, preaching. It’s hard to understand what it’s about. Cessily leaves on an errand. We get a walk-in order. “Hey Ling! Order!” He’s sitting back in the kitchen. I can see intensity in his eyes.

Trying to settle up this insurance claim from the other day when that guy nicked the side of my car. On the phone with both insurance agents giving my statements about what happened.

I receive a string of texts from Becca mocking her own job…

Her: “THIS SUMMER…there are RULES…(whistle blowing)…that will be ENFORCED…THE POOL ENFORCER…WARNING: NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY (thisfilmisnotyetrated)”

Me: “i just read all that in proper voicing and laughed out loud.”

Lunch: Cape Cod Kettle Cooked Chips with Avocado. Honest Ade Blue Pomegranate Juice.

Becca calls from her pool enforcer job with domestic concerns. It’s good to know you’re not the only one that has them.

Me: “Look at squirrels, Becca. They don’t run around arguing about things like this.”

Her: “No I’ve seen squirrels chase each other.”

Me: “True.”

Watermelon.

Sitting down waiting for orders to come through. Overhearing a conversation between two black girls across the table from me—one of them uses the word “like” about 5 times in one sentence. “Like, gurl! Our sex is on E!”

Banana Yogurt. Brownie.

A steady day of deliveries.

Back home. It’s been a long one.

Dinner: Spicy Black Beans with Honey Glazed Onions. Salad with Tomatoes and Carrots. Fresh Garlic Bread.

Watching Stone [2010].

I head over to the queen’s place.

Walking in. She’s engrossed in some Desperate Housewives thing on TV. Stretching while I listen to her vent about some personal family/house issues. She’s really disturbed by what’s happening. But we have our own conflicts to resolve. Somehow we segue into it…..and…..in exasperating words and expression………………………………………………………………………..

Me: “Why do I have to choose? Why do you make everybody choose?”

Her: “Because you have to choose.”

Me: “No you do not have to choose! You have to love. You have to love people. It’s not a ‘choose’. You don’t possess me, Margot. I’m a person. Yes, I’m yours in a romantic sense. I’m yours. I belong to you. But you cannot treat me like a commodity. I’m not a TV. You can’t come home to me every night and turn me on and flip through my channels whenever you want. I’m a human being. I have feelings. I have needs. I have desires. I have emotions. I have plans. Just like you. And you have to respect that. We have to respect each other as human beings.”

Me: “You’re spewing hate at me. That’s being verbally abusive to somebody.”

Her: “Okay. I’m okay with that.”
Me: “I’m not okay with that!”

Her: “Alright then go find another girlfriend.”

Me: “I don’t want a girlfriend who keeps saying I hate you. I want to make this a loving relationship. Is that not what you want?”

Her: “Sure.”

[long pause and deep breaths]

Me: “That’s all I want.”

Me: “I’m really trying to find a solution for this.”

Her: “Maybe the solution is not being together.”

Me: “Margot you have to reach into your soul, into your being, internally, something is going on in there. Giving up is not a solution. Something is wrong. Something is going on that’s wrong in the way that we communicate to each other in those moments.”

Her: “I just don’t want you to be stuck with a crazy girl.”

Me: “Do you think you’re crazy?”

Her: “Sometimes.”

Me: “Why do you think you’re crazy?”

Her: “Because I act crazy.”

Me: “But baby, I want to know why.”

Her: “Because you make me crazy! You drive me—”

Me: “Do you really think it’s me?”

Her: “Yeah you get under my skin.”

I just want affection. Even though I feel we haven’t come to any real conclusion except for a bunch of misguided statements, just talking about these things is good. We learn. Boy have I been learning about her for quite some time. It’s been a long ride. One for the books, literally. She reaches out her hand across the couch in the space between us. Finally, a smile on her face. She looks better with a smile—more natural—happy. I cling to her hand and the night softens up from there.

Back home. The A/C is in working order again. And it feels fresh.

Sleep 5 a.m.