Wednesday June 15 2011

Margot is half waking me up. She’s speaking in a sweet baby-like voice, “Baby, did I go to sleep before you wanted me to?”

Waking up at 11 a.m. I just had a strange dream involving my ex-roommate’s ex-girlfriend.

Breakfast: Egg Burrito from Sonic. Orange Juice. Zinc.

Full day shift at China Wok.

White Nectarine. Mango.

The lunch rush has passed and I'm sitting here at work baffled by Emily who entrusted in me to watch Ambrotious for a few weeks. Unfortunately, one of my roommates accidently let him out the back door last night and he's been in the woods enjoying his woodland creature self over night. All hell breaks loose when mother bird gets wind of the news and I'm the bad one. I'm the bad father. I've done the most horrible thing in the world. Ambrotious has gotten out countless times before at 1623 and anywhere else he's been. But she knows I love that cat. She knows I would do everything in my power to protect that cat. Yet, she flips her lid and takes her stress and anxiety she experiences and tries to dump it onto me making me feel like shit. Why couldn’t you trust that I would remedy the situation and find him? I just feel attacked and the need to speak my mind, so I do, publicly…………“First off, you were being a total overreacting bitch to me today. I will make this public as you saw it fit to make your comments public. You know me well enough that I would do everything in my power to protect our son and enforce that upon others. I did it all the time at 1623. That cat has gotten out countless times at 1623 and at your apt. and not just on other's watch, on your watch as well. My roommate went out for a smoke and accidentally let him out. We searched for him for a good 20 minutes. My intention was to lock him up in my room when I went to sleep. I would've found him on my lunch break. But you found him. He was waiting for you or me to come scoop him up. And he would've been fine, safe and locked in my room. I don't understand why you freaked out today. You know that cat has a wild side and itching to be outside. You can't hold others responsible for his personality. He would've been fine. You know I would've found him and took care of him. You blew this up out of context. I love Amby. You know that. I love you. And you know that. I gave our son a lot of tender loving care back in the day when you were away and at work or on trips. I don't think I deserved all those hateful texts and comments.”

Quick stop at home for food. Kevin’s home at the same time cooking his daily bacon and eggs while I cut up watermelon.

Me: “This seems to be a tradition for us.”

Lunch: Tuna Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Peach White Tea.

Taking orders over the counter. A guy named Tyler recognizes me from my old band Tokyo. He’s with three Russian girls. I attempt to impress them with my little knowledge of the language.

Watermelon.

Art works with me for an hour and a half.

Getting down to the last hour…

Delivering an order on Webster Lane. Waiting for the customer to come to the door. I glance down at a bowl full of water and watch as a small beetle struggles to flip himself over so he can escape. I can’t help but associate his troubles with mine in some symbolic way—feeling stuck—drowning in a rut or being bogged down with other’s expectations.

Waiting for the light to change at the off-ramp on Rosemont. A girl in the car next to me shouts, “Hey when’s the next Musicplayer show?” Random.

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein.

Finally off work after eleven hours.

Sipping on a Cream Ale from Darren and talking it out with Emily on the phone.

Me: “We shouldn’t let something like this ruin our friendship….I wasn’t trying to just call you a bitch. I was angry. I wanted to speak my mind. I just felt like you were being mean to me and I was being mean back.”

…

Me: “You there? You alright?”

Emily: “Yeah. I just feel like shit I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my time and energy today.”

Me: “Everything’s cool. I know you got stressed out today but life is more beautiful than—”

Emily: “So for the record we’re cool right?”

Me: “Yeah I’m cool. I think we just needed to talk it out you know? Hear each other’s opinions. Hear each other’s perspectives. In general, like, live communication, like sharing words with each other is so much better than doing messages or text messages. It doesn’t work like that.”

Emily: “Both are so cold and when I talk to you I remember that I love you so I give a shit about what you have to say.”

Me: “It’s like a machine texting you cause there’s no emotion behind it. It’s not the correct communication between two human beings to have.”

Emily: “Yeah.”

…

Me: “But, whatever we’re friends. We’re gonna be in a movie together so…”

Emily: “Oh god.”

…

Me: “But okay. No hard feelings. I love you sister, mother, whatever you are to me.”

Emily: “Okay. I love you.”

Me: “Love you too.”

Emily: “Kay. Bye.”

Me: “Bye.”

Settling down for the night.

Eating a small bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat Cereal and finishing that Stone movie with Edward Norton and Robert DeNiro.

Sleep 3 a.m.