Saturday July 30 2011

DREAM: With a group of people…Anthony snagged my blue sunglasses. I demand them back but when I receive them I notice the right lens has been replaced with a lens from another pair of sunglasses. I start reprimanding him for his actions and preaching at him for being so rambunctious and disrespectful. I realize now that we’re all standing in the middle of my neighborhood. It rained earlier, causing small ponds to form in the most unlikely places, like in the front yard of an apartment. I look over to the right to find a ditch that’s formed into a body of water, looks more like a spring—stagnating—the water looks so clear and clean. I make a joke to everyone that we can swim in it if we want to…

Waking up later than I’m supposed to. 11:46 a.m.—Ling has been calling me nonstop. I arrive into work only to find I have to take an order off Rosemont, a regular customer that never tips. He surprises me with a five-dollar bill this time.

On the way back to the restaurant—on the interstate—on the phone with Margot…I made a small mistake by texting her what I meant to text Raven, “oh boy raven. I sure did get in trouble last night. why are our lovers so scared?” So again her and I are forced to have the same conversation we had last night. She doesn’t understand my friendship with Raven. It’s scary. And for whatever reason she feels her position is being threatened as an important person in my life, or rather the most important person in my life.

“Margot, I love you! You don’t need to feel that way. I’ve given way too much energy and time to you over the years…I don’t deserve to feel…” inadequate. “You’re mine! I belong to you! Again, it boils down to trust. You don’t trust me!”

Eventually we make some kind of half-assed decision to not talk until Wednesday—I’m in a hurry now cause I have to get back inside and pick up another delivery.

“Okay, I gotta go.”

Breakfast: Plums and Peaches.

Snapping the ends off the snow peas…in haste and anger.

HOT>

Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Lemonade.

I found a handwritten note from Margot sitting on my desk…

“I’m tired of fighting all the time and just wanna be happy. I really am starting to believe that the only way that will happen is if we aren’t dating anymore. I love you. But I’m unhappy and you’re unhappy. Our relationship sucks and it’s been that way for a while. I’m almost too tired to do anything to fix it. Seriously think about breaking up and how it might be the right move. ♥ Margot”

I can’t get more than ten minutes of a lunch break before Ling calls, “Roberts? One order is ready.”

Back to the grind…

Stopping by Starbucks for an ice-cold Passion Tea Lemonade hookup.

Raven: “Alright you have 21 seconds to talk before my break is over.”

Me: “Okay. Well, life is grand…and I’m happy. Distressed and happy at the same time.” The truth is, I’m really uneasy and afraid. The fact that Margot has reached a point of surrender means something and I don’t know if I’m prepared for the cloudy days to come…

Strawberry Yogurt.

Rachel orders Gen Tso’s Tofu to be delivered to her place. When I arrive she’s wearing only newspapers for clothing by suggestion of Phil Gray to which she’s chatting with online at the moment.

Becca joins me for the last leg of my shift. She’s all dolled up in a pink and white dress after attending a wedding at Fort Story. After walking into the restaurant, Ling approaches me and asks quietly, “Robert? You have a lot a girlfriend?”

I just laugh in response. I can only imagine what he thinks when I get girl visitors like Margot, Rachel, and Becca.

Driving around and feeling the frustration of working overtime. The Go-Go’s blaring on the stereo…“We got the beat! We got the beat! Yeah! We got the beat!”

Back home—Josiah’s here with Jacob Clemmons. I haven’t seen either of them in a long time. Josiah’s gonna crash on the couch for a few days. Sitting in the living room enjoying my Chinese food—some UFO program from the History Channel on TV—Darren bolts in from the back patio telling us we’re all slaves by watching this. He encircles the TV screen with his hand and exclaims, “This is a propaganda machine!”

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein. Mission Street Blond Ale.

Seeking understanding and offering understanding—something new—an infant in an egg—I want this to progress!

I do think there are benefits to this separation. It took a while to come to terms with the idea for both persons involved. Maybe for me the hardest part was not accepting it but making steps toward acting on it too. I need an outlet and it can’t be just anyone—only one that feels deserving—one that feels right. It’s scary, not only to the naysayers, but even to me. As much as I’m frightened I am also hopeful…I’m old enough to trust my gut and my intuition. Love. Love, Robert. Love. But don’t forget to respect.

Sleep 4:30 a.m.