Waking up just after 11 a.m.
Breakfast: Bagel with Peanut Butter. Orange Juice. Zinc.
Driving to work—crazy winds—cows and donkeys flying in mid-air! I arrive. But the China Wok light is off—nobody there. Cool.
Back home…preparing for house arrest.
I receive a heart-wrenching message from her…
…I feel like im dying; like im living as half a person…
…And I know you said it will pass but I don’t even want to go through with it!
…Why are you killing our love!?
…I know you say we’ve had lots of chances but PLEASE PLEASE give me just one more. I cant live without you. I wont!
…Baby you have to believe me when say I will do anything for us to be together again. I want to be your girl. I cant let go of you, I’m sorry. I know I won’t give up and I will turn into that pathetic girl that just is stuck on her ex when he has lost complete interest in her. But I just cant accept this. Please, I wish you could feel how horrible and empty I feel. There’s a hole in my heart that was just for you but you’re not there to fill it anymore. It’s just empty and consuming…
I feel your heart, darling. I feel it intensely…in the chorus of that song you sent me…I really do. It’s breaking…and crumbling…this world we built just for us…and I am responsible for it. Well, really we are both responsible. Its just I’m the one taking the steps to leave…And it pains me to know you’re in pain. Just know I feel your tears. I feel your touch, your warmth, your eyes…and last night I felt the inside of you like I’ve never felt before…how easy it was…how natural it was. I know you feel a sense of exclusivity in your love for me, like I’m the only one for you. All you’ve ever known is me, and for a long time all I knew was you. You’ve always been a beautiful enigma to me, a queen of sorts in my life, a dazzling and sexy thing of beauty…
I already told you this feels like the right thing to do…for me. And the more and more you express yourself to me the more wrong it feels. But I can’t turn back from this decision. I know deep down within me that this is the path I need to take. Despite the beautiful connection we’ve had (and it was lovely and yes we did have some invigorating times together), I must move forward. In the end…and in time…(Time IS The Great Healer)…this will all settle (I know you don’t believe that, but I know this)…and new life will form…new things will start. It is okay to open up your heart a little to someone else, but only to someone that’s deserving, someone that can help carry some of the burden and at the same time fulfill some of these special emotional needs. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Don’t forget that. And I won’t forget that you “love me forever.” Margot, I will never forget you. You are not just another EX. You were the biggest adventure of my life…please be strong…Even though I know it’s not such a good idea I want to be here for you as much as I can…
The winds are strong—80 mph to be exact. This storm. This hurricane. It’s obviously symbolic. This storm will pass, darling. The lights will go out. The darkness will prevail…but only for a time…only for a time.
It’s just Darren and Polish Greg and I in the house. We get in the Bronco that Skippy left here and browse around Hilltop—Kroger is closed—Kmart is closed…we run into Kenneth (and his whole house on wheels) and two homeless dudes…
Margot is without power in Bay Colony. She wants to be over here. She’s insistent even though I don’t think it’s a good idea. But it is nice to see her—to just hang out.
I pick up Little Birds by Anais Nin off Anthony’s bookshelf. Randomly opening up to page 35…“We went out together and I admired the woman who was singing in the little café. Lina got drunk and was furious with me. She said, ‘If I were a man, I would murder you.’
I became angry. Then she wept and said, ‘Don’t abandon me. If you abandon me I am lost.’”
Lunch: Tuna Salad Sandwich. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.
Sitting down on the bed with her—she’s got on an episode of Monk. It’s extremely comfortable lying beside her—all warm and snug…feelings of passion arise like I knew they would. Just each other’s presence is enough to make me horny and desirous for her. Lovemaking is something familiar to us—it’s what we know…and I knew this would happen if she came over. I’m not sure how I feel about it but that’s not crossing my mind during those moments. She’s always pleased me, always satisfied. This is okay for the time being…this is okay.
Irene howls and whines just outside my window—the trees all-swaying in a unified agitation. Listening closely to the wind gusts striking the leaves. It’s a tense and at the same time comforting feeling to know everyone else is holed up just like me somewhere in their living room or bedroom…
Reading some essays by various writers online…
“To while away the idle hours, seated the livelong day before the ink slab, by jotting down without order or purpose whatever trifling thoughts pass through my mind, truly this is a queer and crazy thing to do!”
“Of all things that lead astray the heart of man there is nothing like fleshly lust. What a weakly thing is this heart of ours. Though a perfume, for example, is but a transient thing, and though he knows full well that incense is burned to give an odor to garments, yet a man’s heart will always be stirred by a vague perfume.”
---Yoshida Kenko
Cooking up a storm in the kitchen…haha. Darren is the ultimate cynic.
Sharing dinner with Darren, Greg, and Margot: Brown Rice with Mixed Vegetables and Edamame, Roasted Garlic, and Baked Sweet Potato Wedges. A can of Milwaukee’s Best.
Watching Revolver [2005].
More reading—consolidating files on my computer…
She wanted to spend the night—but I’m insistent that she goes home. We stand there downstairs, almost two hours of explanation and her seeking more understanding as to why I would leave this, why I would want to separate from her. She’s baffled how I can say, “I love you” and yet am willing to exit. It’s disheartening to stand next to her, all the while the power is cutting in and out allowing us moments of complete darkness. She’s such a fighter, just like I am. She won’t accept it. She won’t give it up. This process will be long and strenuous…and so it goes on…
The power actually goes out for a good 30 minutes…
Cinnamon Toast Crunch (in the dark).
One quick phone call to Dominion and 10 minutes later, we’re up and running again.
Settling down with a some good books before I fall asleep…4 a.m.
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