Sunday August 7 2011

Waking up just before noon.

All day shift at China Wok.

Quick lunch rush…drinking lemonade…on the road.

It’s on my mind…it’s still fresh…what just happened? Did this really happen? My thoughts get the best of me…heavy teary eyes…

It’s funny how the question, “Are you okay?” just induces the opposite of okay—you realize you want to be but you’re not. Even asking myself this question brings about an overwhelming feeling of loss…

Back at the restaurant Ling shows me his style of cutting a mango that eliminates messy hands. My hands still get messy. There’s no way to avoid it.

Rachel stops in while I’m pickin’ peas…She’s about to head up to Richmond—tells me about a watermelon festival…

Me: “Watermelon festival? Why am I not at that?”

Rachel: “Because you’d eat it all and people would get mad and then you’d have a raging erection!”

Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Just another day in China Land…

Too many miles…not enough tips…

Becca stops by after grocery shopping with some Indian lady that gave her some kind of milk made with rose petals…I try a taste…She’s going to the Band of Horses concert at The Jewish Mother across the street…

Picking up a Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino from 7-11 to keep me revved up…

Off work now…

Hanging out in Darren’s room drinking a Wing Walker Lager—he’s strumming on the guitar attempting to play a chord progression, “I wish I had more fingers.”

Becca and her friend, Melbo are here—they just got back from the concert…I grab the guitar and sing The Funeral by Band of Horses…

“I'm coming up only to hold you under

I'm coming up only to show you wrong

And to know you is hard; we wonder

To know you all wrong; we were.

At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral

Every occasion, once more, it's called the funeral

Every occasion, know I'm ready for the funeral

At every occasion, oh, one billion day funeral”

Darren: “If life is so mysterious then death should be even more mysterious and greater.”

Twilight Zone for the whole family…

Dinner: Personal DiGiorno Pizza with Red Peppers. Another Wing Walker.

I told her I wanted to talk again…she held me to it…I invite her over…she’s sitting there in the computer chair…I kneel down beside her…more explanation…more clarification…clinched face…I feel her sadness (I have my own)…holding her…nuzzling her arm and chest…I love you too, baby…transfer to the bed…“You’re killing me,” she announces underneath cupped hands and a heavy heart…It’s a personal reason and a relational reason…that has brought me to face the idea of separation…I bring up the idea of people that break up and do get back together in the future…We can’t be in a limbo though. That’s not fair. We need to have the mindset of disconnect if we’re ever going to really understand this. Just as colorful and necessary as they are, emotions and feelings cloud reality, the reality of the inevitable, the truth. They offer beauty. But they don’t offer solutions. Distance allows perspective.

I want to be sensitive to her and myself, and the life we created together…

After a while of working out a thorough analysis of our history and its conflicts, she deducts it’s not possible for her to accept, “I’m not breaking up with you!” I just sit there in silence for a minute…It’s late. She has to open in the morning…so we finish with no conclusions or the luxury of feeling okay…

As she stands there asking for a shirt to wear for bedtime, I embrace her…feeling uncontrollable desires…She feels them too. This is what we’re used to. This is all we know between each other…is lovemaking…is loving the other’s entire being. I wasn’t even thinking sex would be in the cards for tonight but there we were…basking in our sensual and intimate place…

Yesterday was Doomsday. Today was Denial. And so it continues…

Sleep 4:30 a.m.