Thursday September 1 2011

DREAM: I’m delivering Chinese food like I always do. At the end of Oceana near the corner of General Booth there’s a new shopping center that just opened up. I run up to a department store for designer clothes. Inside, holding the bag of food. Figuring out that Stephanie ordered. But her and a friend are right in the middle of finalizing their purchase. But this place is not only a department store. They also offer make up artists and people that dress you up.

I ask Stephanie, “What are you guys doing here?”

…She doesn’t really pay attention…

I answer my own question, “Fashion, duh.”

We’re outside. Her and a few friends are relaxing at a table. She still hasn’t signed the credit receipt and I’m getting a little impatient because I have other deliveries and I have to go. I express my concern to her. She finally signs it. And I’m off.

Waking up just after noon. Pluot Plum.

Dropping my car off at a shop on 17^th street for an oil change. Because there’s a 2 hour wait time I ride my bike back home—stopping by a small thrift store off the boulevard—finding a pair of running shoes in good condition and a picture frame with an illustration of a Scottish poem…

From Ghoulies

And Ghosties

Long Leggitie

Beasties

And Things That

Go Bump In The

Night

Good Lord Deliver

Us!

Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Ginger Berry Kombucha.

There’s a book about Buddhism on the table. I turn to this page…

Sow a thought, reap an act;

Sow an act, reap a habit;

Sow a habit, reap a character;

Sow a character, reap a destiny.

Darren finds me sitting and eating…he’s looking for the balls to ask this cute girl clerk at Farm Fresh for her number. I divulge into the idea of duality in attraction with other people and how he feels about that—like having feelings for two people at once—caring about more than one person. In relation to his life he says he cares about both people in different ways…also,

Him: “I’m a Pisces. I love and hate everything.”

Retrieving my car…errands—browsing Borders for any on sale items—treating myself to an Oreo Blizzard—groceries.

Hot Yoga session—invigorating…

Dinner: Brown Rice with Edamame and Baby Broccoli. Name Tag Lager.

Watching The Extra Man [2010].

I told Margot I would talk with her tonight…

At her place—intense heated conversation. In regards to the episode yesterday she has a list of points she wants to discuss and inquire about, one of them being if I’m attracted to somebody else/like somebody else….I had to confess that I like Raven and explain that a little bit…

Her: “I’m not fucking ready for you to even be thinking about any girl cause I’m not seeing any other guy…You didn’t even give me a chance after your birthday…”

Me: “I didn’t give you a chance??? Margot! We’ve had billions of chances. Don’t even blame me for not giving you a chance. We gave each other so many chances…”

Her: “And all of a sudden you fucking feel like….BYE.”

Me: “Yes I need a change. I need a change. Something different…”

Her: “And she’s the change you’re looking for?”

Me: “Right now she’s a good friend to me.”

Her: “I don’t like that phrase you’re using. Right now? But sometime soon she may be sleeping next to you.”

…

Her (in shaky voice): “I have to deal with us breaking up. I haven’t even gotten there yet. I have had so much anxiety about you and some other girl you know…and it just fucking came out of nowhere, just way too early. I can’t even handle it. Why do you think I went soooo crazy yesterday…I couldn’t even breathe! I had to scream. It was too much. I was screaming in my car. I can’t deal with that! I thought about running into oncoming traffic.”

Me: “You’re too intense. You’re too focused on how this feels. I know the future seems grim but it’s really not.”

Her: “Robert, I don’t want to live without you! I want you and end of story.”

Me: What makes you think this is actually going to work? Do you really think that?”

Her: “Yes! Robert. [whimper]”

Me: “But why?”

Her: “Because we love each other…

Me: “I know that.”

Sitting next to her—reaching my arm around her shoulders—pressing my face against the side of her arm [kiss]. Empathy. I feel the inside of her being—God, so much pain.

Me: “I’m sorry…”

Her: “I will do anything for you…I just want us to get back together…I swear I’ll make you happy. I won’t do anything…bad. I swear. I won’t get mad at you for stupid things. Like, I know a lot of it was my fault. I’m sorry….I don’t want to accept this.”

…

Together, listing the things that remind us of each other…Nostalgia.

Her: “The universe reminds me of you…”

…

Her: “I really felt like you were genuine with me in general and cared about me. And I’m not gonna find another guy whose gonna actually like me…just throw me away after we sleep together.”

Me: “That’s not really true. There are other people out there that could care.”

…

Her: “I will improve. I’ll do it for you.”

…

Me: “We need time apart. The only way we can get real time apart is by separating and really experiencing the non-existence in each other’s lives.”

…

Things get a little lighter after some tears are shed….We’re being somewhat cute to the other now, making jokes and chit chatting.

…

Lying on the floor—she’s touching me down there. It feels nice. And I let it take place for a good 20 or 30 minutes—the whole time thinking things through in my head, This is isn’t going to help. The fire is still strong though. I have to make a decision. It’s hard to resist. And we just go for it. A wonderful exchange of pleasure. The sex has never lacked in any way between her and I. And that’s what makes it difficult to resist. Her sexual power over me. Her sexual beauty. Her passion. It’s all a part of the package she’s always offered me. Why would I turn this down? How can I give this up? My decision still stands. I have to leave…

When we’re done. I leave her—she’s standing there (only in her underwear)—the view behind the screen door. She stares at me with an uncertain longing and says quietly, “I love you.”

I respond, “I know. I love you too.”

And there it is. Just like everything is normal. I know it really isn’t. This can’t happen again. And even though she has a little inkling of a hope, she knows it won’t happen again either.

Back home. Anthony offers me an extra grilled cheese he made. Perfect. I’m starving. I throw in some figs to the mix.

“I have a lot to think about. Good night, Anthony.”

Sleep sometime after 4:30 a.m.