DREAM: Zombies have taken over a campground. James and I hide out near the bathroom building. We watch as noisy zombies ride by in golf carts. They discover us…
Peach.
It’s 12:49 p.m. My phone is blowing up with calls from Margot. Are you serious? I think I recall a persistent knocking on my door earlier. It was probably her. In fact, I know it was.
…
Now, there’s objects being tossed at my window…
I hate it when she does this: coming over uninvited with intention to have a fierce confrontation. I can’t handle this kind of stuff. As I’m walking out to my car I find her sitting in her car. She’s been camping out there on the street for at least an hour. We have a run-in. I don’t know what to say but I have other obligations and of course, immediately harsh words are exchanged…
Me: “I can’t talk to you right now…” {My energy is weak.}
Her: “Oh yes you are!”
Me: “No I’m not! I have to go. You can’t just show up uninvited expecting to talk to me!”
Her: “I’m this close to slapping you across the face…”
Me: “Margot—[sigh]”
She’s obviously here to inquire about the subject matter in my blog.
Me: “You have to stop reading about my life!”
You’re not permitted to know about my heart anymore. It’s not fair to you or me.
This whole scene is upsetting…After a little resistance on her part I jump into the car and storm off…
God, these voicemails are furious and heart wrenching...
This one is firm and angry but the others I wouldn’t dare share…it would shatter even the most robotic of people…
Hot Yoga session. It’s difficult to focus and let go of such distressing thoughts…
Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.
You’ve ruined your opportunity for a soft ending.
Finally we talk over the phone…a little calmer now…
Me: “Why did you do that?”
Her: “People do crazy things when they’re in love.”
Amidst the weeping and sniffling she explains, “I just love you so much. I don’t want anyone else. I can’t. I can’t. I just want you!”
…
Her: “That’s never going to change And it’s already changed for you.”
Me: “What does it mean to you when I say ‘I love you’? Do you hear ‘I want to be with you’? Cause I can’t say that anymore if that’s what that means.”
…This is hard for her to understand I know…
Her: “Do you love me?”
Me: “Of course.”
…
Me: “Look. I’m not gonna ban you from my life. But you have to allow space. A period of separation.”
She’s crying…
Me: “I’m sorry…I’m really sorry…I hate this. I hate that you feel like this. I’m sorry for ignoring you earlier…”
…
Good conversation with mom…
Mom: “I’m getting road fever.”
Me: “Road fever?”
Mom: “Ain’t you ever get road fever? Moms get road fever too.”
Dental Insurance research. I have to get a chipped tooth fixed and probably need fillings. It’s been a few years since I’ve gone to the dentist…
At the storage unit recording some synth parts…
Dinner: Baked Cod Fillets. Artichoke Hearts. Perogies in a Yogurt Dill Dip. Blue Moon.
Everyone is sharing their own perspectives from when Margot was here at the house…
Poker with James, Darren, and James? Darren’s friend James joins us for the first time…
“Yeah Darren, you’re playing against three different James’s!”
James Graves gets the pot…Lauren and her friend Heather (both with pink hair, well, a shade of red maybe) join us as we squish into Darren’s Audi and drive to Baja’s on 23rd street.
Before I leave I confide into Anthony, “This is out of my character…should I be doing this?”
He leaves me with. “Embrace the live, even if only in the fleeting moments.”
At the bar, sitting at a table sharing $2 margaritas—playing Kings using an app on Darren’s phone (Everyone’s embarrassing me with “Never Have I Ever” questions)—old pop-punk tunes blaring on the stereo—surrounded by a lot of attractive people. This feels good and is a required night of socializing with friends—feeling a heightened sense of joy and cheer—I weigh 140 pounds so two beers and two margaritas are obviously going to have an affect on me.
[She’s texting me throughout the night whilst she’s having her own fun time with her friends. I feel I shouldn’t respond.]
Later on back in ChantyTown. Adventurous and fun moments. I don’t think I’ve been this drunk before…I’m coherent and lively but not so inebriated that I can’t walk or stabilize a conversation. This is enlightening…
Upstairs in my room, Lauren shares some thoughts relevant to my situation. Everything has been so dramatic as of late—like everything…these feelings of missing…
I’m missing…I’m thinking about you…I just want to say HI. I just want to know about your experiences. I just want to Know TIME…with you.
Sleep sometime after 5 a.m.
1 comment:
It is legitimately insane that this keeps happening. Margot is a psycho that needs to get the fuck out of your life!
Why you put up with such craziness is way beyond me...
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