DREAM: Driving furiously in a big Bronco 4x4. Darren and
someone else are in the car with me. I can hear the engine rumble whenever I
accelerate up the hills. We arrive at a school that just opened up for the
season. There’s a meeting in the cafeteria. I have laundry to do. I find a
utility room where a washer and dryer are—depositing quarters into the machine.
Thinking to myself this is silly because I have my own washing machine and
dryer at home…
Waking up before 11 a.m.
Pear.
A quickie Vaginasaurs rehearsal at Stephanie’s house because
we have a show tonight. I told my boss I’d be a little late getting into work
this morning because of a dentist appointment. Yeah, I lied. But it’s
irrelevant because we’re slow at the beginning of the day.
Sarah’s late…Stephanie has a Norwegian cookbook out in the
kitchen. She’s half Norwegian from her dad.
Me: “You know Margot’s Norwegian too. She has some kind of
heir to royalty.”
Stef: “Her and I should have a Norwegian food party!”
Sarah finally arrives…
After practice, as I’m shutting the door to exit I remind
them, “Don’t forget to bring the Rock N Roll!” I think I meant Wok N Woll.
Italian Plums. Granola Bar. Orange Juice.
All day shift at China Wok.
When I woke up this morning I was welcomed to missed calls
and texts from Margot. Nothing new. But she calls me while I’m at work. I
answer. She sounds confused and apologizes for bombardment of calls/texts. She
went to some house last night with her friends—they were drinking—and she has
no memory of what happened except for her leaving the house without her pants.
She had been corresponding with other people to find out more information and
during our phone conversation she finds out something sexual did occur with
some dude. At first the guy involved claimed they had sex but we find out later
it was something a little less than that…
Me: “I can’t believe you could do something like that and
not remember. Look, I gotta go. I’m at work…”
My body is nervous, hands shaking, blood boiling. I continue
prepping the bags like normal trying to sink this concept in. She calls me back
repeatedly. I ignore repeatedly.
…
Now she’s outside in her car. Reluctantly, I invite her to
ride with me on a few delivery runs.
…
Her: “Are you giving me the silent treatment?”
Me: “Sorry. I’m just sinking things in…You’re a hypocrite. I
mean, everybody’s a hypocrite. But what you did is just hypocritical…and
irresponsible…You don’t even remember what happened? That’s ridiculous!”
She’s upset at herself—tears…
Me: “The fact that you would allow yourself to get so
obliterated and do something like that, unconsciously…I knew there was a reason
I didn’t want to go through this sexual contract with you. This is the perfect
example.”
The alcohol. The lack of inhibitions. The lack of purity.
The lack of boundaries. It’s disgusting. I’ve disgusted my own self before. But
it’s terribly unnerving to observe it in other people, especially the ones
you’re supposed to respect.
Me: “Look, I can’t be a part of this if you’re going to do
things like that. I know it was unintentional and you were in a drunken state.
But you made a choice to be there—to put yourself in that environment. You’ve
done this before and I feel like you’re never going to learn.”
I scold her over the lack of alcohol control.
Her: “Are you telling me if you were drunk and there was a
pretty girl standing in front of you—”
Me: “There’s a reason I don’t drink like that. There’s a
reason.”
It’s true. I am affected by this. But I don’t have the right
to feel cheated on, but goodness; we just had sex the night before! That’s the
most disturbing part about it.
We pull up to the restaurant. The conversation veers to the
topic of reviving the relationship.
Her: “Robert, I still believe in this…I want to be with you.
I still love you.”
Me: “It’s not a question of love. I made a decision to be
alone…”
Her: “Why is that not enough?”
Me: “Because it’s just not. It’s the most important part,
yes. But something wasn’t working…”
Her: “I feel calm with you. That’s why I needed to see you.”
I have to get back inside to grab more orders. I give her a
hug goodbye…
Me: “I’m not proud of you…but I still care…”
Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Tomato, Basil, and Mayonnaise. Blue
and Yukon Gold Potato Chips.
Two Chinese couch surfers from Williamsburg show up at the
house. They trekked all the way here on bicycle.
Amanda calls while I’m driving…
Her: “Why do you sound so bummed?”
Me: “[ha] How did you know?”
Her family orders food later…I have to come in contact with
her crazy dog…
Her: “So why are you bummed?”
Me: “I just feel really disturbed. That’s the best way to
put it.”
I’ve come to the stark realization that everyone is
fake…and we all choose to live in a fantasy realm where only desire matters and
destruction reigns.
Ice Cream Cone.
Delivering an order at
Springhill Suites on 9th street. Just my luck to find crowds of
people waiting to go up on the elevators. I give it two seconds then retreat to
climbing 11 flights of stairs. And I didn’t walk. I ran. Coming back down made
me feel dizzy.
Delivering an order on
Huntwick Lane. I notice the last four digits of the customer’s phone number are
1111.
Delivering my last order
for the night. This place requires an access code to enter the lobby. The
customer tells me its 1111#.
The Apophenia is killing
me.
Tofu with Mixed Vegetables
and Rice in Garlic Sauce.
Rushing over to Rusty’s
place for the show. Vaginasaurs Wok N Woll! Clad in a shoulder-padded dress and
long hair wig Stephanie lent me. Wailing on the drums in a heated
claustrophobic living room—faces everywhere. Sipping on a Shock Top.
Afterwards, out in the front yard—laughter—chitchat…
Amanda explains how uneasy
she felt about not getting a fortune in her fortune cookie today, "Oh my
god. I just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it, ugh this is like the
ULTRA disappointment!”
Russell makes me try on
these red high heels for a photo op. Apparently, he does this to all the bands
that roll through.
Stephanie is really hyped
up on Vaginasaur camaraderie…
Back home…
Darren knocks and enters
my room uninvited…
Me: “Alright you’ve got
five minutes.”
Kevin walks in uninvited…
Me: “Uhh! You’ve got zero
minutes.”
Darren: “Yeah get out I
want my five minutes with Robert.”
…
Darren: “People naturally
form v shapes in groups of three. [when walking]”
…
Darren: “I just don’t
think that girls like me anymore.”
Watching Restrepo (2010).
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
I notice Stephanie has
exactly 1,111 photos currently posted on Facebook.
Sleep 4 a.m.
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