Friday November 25 2011

 [i]

DREAM: Jumping over a river stream then dancing with a giant rock monster that gives off the vibe of being kind and gentle.

Waking up just after noon.

Meeting my mom at the Pancake House again on 14^th street for breakfast and thanksgiving leftovers. Her eyes look so sad when we exchange one last hug, at least for a while. Her intensity and tenderness shows. It always has and I’ve always admired it and have taken from her in this way. I will miss her.

I stop by Elliott’s place on 16^th street for a little friend time. He’s in the middle of playing Tony Hawk on Playstation. The weather is far from even resembling winter—a beautiful and sunny day. We throw the Frisbee on the beach—darting the seagulls hovering over us. People-watching on the boardwalk bench. A homeless man wearing a Cowboys hat asks for the time...

“It’s 2:38.”

Discussing the state of our romantic lives on the walk back. I talk about Margot. Sometimes I imagine myself still in Virginia Beach later down the road with her.

“I’d have a sexy wife that loves me, living in Virginia Beach with a house on the beach, middle class, maybe upper middle class. I’d be okay with that. I could see myself taking that path if I really wanted to...but do I really want to?”

It’s easy to romanticize raising a family and settling down in your hometown and it’s kind of a beautiful vision in my head. We’ll see what the coming years bring me.

Later we head to The Heritage for Kombucha Tea and incense—then stopping into the Vinyl Daze record shop nearby.

Editing stuff on Ableton Live.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Setting up a circus downstairs for Show N Tell: proper cozy lighting—hanging sheets—projection—and other such nonsensical decoration. The crowd slowly trickles in and turns to a capacity of at least 50 some odd people. It’s really packed in here. Musical acts and rap improv and spoken word and intense voicemail remixes and Nerdlucks! Sharing beers. 

Rusty says to me with a huge smile on his face: “If you’re not tasting it you’re wasting it.”

...

She’s here. The one from last time. The cuddly encounter. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ she’s here and displaying not so subtle behavior that she wants to have another “cuddly encounter”. This minor news spreads to the 1435 underground _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

...

Stef: “Do you feel any butterflies?”

Me: “No. I don’t feel butterflies at all. She’s just a means to an end...a body. I just need a body to hold.”

...

She senses my reservation after I invite her into my room. I explain myself in some generalized way about making the right decision. She’s bummed from other guy-related frustrations of emotional rejection. I take on the role of counselor/listener and see a human being tired...tired of superficiality and weakness. I know hardly anything about this girl. Both exhausted from the night, we interlock with her head in my arm. The vague not so distant sounds of the party stragglers out back reverberating through the window. We sleep...

Early in the morning after her alarm goes off at 7 we find ourselves nuzzling but not kissing. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ In these moments I could’ve crossed the border and opened myself up...but I’d rather not have sex. I’ll stand my ground. This isn’t the time for me. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Afterwards, she’s off to work.

Her: “Robert...you’re cute.”

Maybe that’s what she needed: some cute boy to make her feel like a woman. Feeling like a man is another story though.

...

I’m restless. I can’t go back to sleep but I manage to for at least another hour.

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[i] All images by me.