[i]
Waking up after a restless morning. 11:21 a.m.
All day shift at China Wok.
Egg and Cheese Biscuit. Bo’Berry Biscuit. Orange Juice.
It’s a hot slow November day.
God, I’m angry. I’m heavy with disappointment and disgust. There was a question lingering in my mind ever since my last conversation with Margot. And I had to relieve myself with the truth rather than imagining the worst, even if the worst was true. I feel the need to know...for my own sanity...but only because she brought it up. Why? Why did you have to tell me even the slightest hint that you were seeing someone else?
I send her a text...
Me: “did you have sex with him?”
Her: “That’s a really inappropriate question. Why do you ask?”
She didn’t have to say it. I knew the answer.
Me: “you disgust me and you’re a hypocrite. don’t call me and don’t reach out to me.”
Her: “Ok. Sorry. I still love you.”
Me: “fuck you”
Her: “Wow. Ok. We can talk once you’ve calmed down. You know you’re really important to me.”
Me: “you’re a self absorbed attention whore and you’ve obviously found a fuck buddy. did i mention you’re a hypocrite?”
Her: “Um no I haven’t. Look I’m sorry. I know you don’t believe me right now but I do love you.”
Me: “i can’t believe you did that. well actually its in your character i guess to move fast without thinking. you’re just full of shit margot...you hold double standards to everyone around you especially to me. you have no right to judge when you yourself are the things you criticize.”
What is wrong with me? I really wish you hadn’t called me. I would’ve been fine without seeing you at all. You disrupted my healing and my separation. Fuck you. I’m usually a kind and understanding person. I still believe myself to be. But you never cease to unimpress me. The words that come out of people’s mouths are useless. They rarely represent anything truthful. Even if the person tries to amount up to the standards they’ve set for themselves, they won’t. They will fail. However, at the end of the day I am no different than her. We have hurt each other on this long and winding road of a relationship.
...
In the midst of jotting this down, a familiar person walks in. Zana, my British speaking Hilltop urchin. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her walking on the street. She popped in to see if China Wok was hiring...
It takes her a minute to recognize who I am...and then it clicks. The accident she got in years ago causes her to forget things...
Her: “Hi, love! What are you doing right now?”
Me: “I’m writing.”
Her: “Are you writing a book?”
Me: “Yeah sort of.”
Her: “You look wise.”
Leave it up to the sunshine woman to make me feel better about life...
Her: “It was nothing but a gift to run into you.”
More texting with Margot...
Her: “You’re right Robert. Hate me all you want. But remember-you broke up with me so I’m free to do what I want, make mistakes without regarding anyone else’s feelings. I am sorry I hurt you but you broke my heart first.”
Me: “and that’s the reason why i broke up with you. you have the potential to be a better person than you are but you choose to be reckless.”
Her: “Ok well then you should feel awesome in your decision. I told you we weren’t meant to be together. You released me of any obligation to you and now I’ve released you of yours. Have a good life Robert cause I’m sure I won’t be hearing from you anymore.”
Me: “and i feel much better about my decision now that ive confirmed the kind of person you are. i really wish you hadn’t called me like you did...you made it difficult for me and yourself. there could have been resolve. and now theres bitterness.”
Her: “Why would that have changed anything? Look I knew we were never going to be together again. And now you do too. So why does it matter if there’s bitterness?”
Me: “i explained this before. i was doing fine before you informed me you were seeing someone else. and of course that kick started my inquiries.”
Her: “Look don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. My personal life isn’t your concern. Someday I hope you can forgive me and maybe we can be friends cause you are still important to me.”
Me: “‘I only want to have sex with people im dating.’ you said that once. obviously not...proven countless times...im repulsed by your actions and yes im hurt without the right to be.”
...
Me: “right now. I need you to stay away from me and not contact me.”
Her: “Done. I’ll be dead to you.”
Me: “don’t get pissy with me. you’re the one being reckless with your vagina. i don’t want any part of it.”
Her: “Whatever Robert. I’m done talking to you.”
Peanut Butter Bagel. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.
While I’m delivering around I get angry as usual at the incompetence of other drivers...but this time I have built up aggression and my fist-pumps against the passenger seat are ten times more brutal.
My friend Jes, better known as Jes Streeteam on Facebook, is in town for the weekend and stops by The Wok. Catching her up on Virginia Beach life while she catches me up on Durham life. Her presence has the same effect as Zana and these are the kind of people I’d like to surround myself with in order to have a brighter stream of consciousness.
A slow unprofitable day at work...
Fun with Elliott, Josiah, Stef, and Sarah on 16th street—throwing the frisbee around on the baseball field. Later in Elliott’s room on the third floor, I find my way onto the porch. Lost in heavy thought—still feeling enraged and hurt. Mesmerized by the Oceanfront city lights. Stef discovers my temporary solitude and somehow sees my thoughts. She has her own sad thoughts to deal with as her and Calum just broke up officially. She’s always the one to encourage the POSI diet, especially through that big rainbow smile on her face.
Vaginasaurs recording at the storage unit. Tracking Sarah’s bass lines.
Cheerios with Brown Sugar.
Texting her...
Me: “I got a little edgy and angry today...i still am. this is a hard blow for me. id like to meet in person as i have information to share and i would like to have peace and resolve with you...i hate you and i love you at the same time...i just can’t believe in my heart that you would experience with another person something we held so sacred and special and with whom you don’t even know deserves it.”
Instead of my usual relaxation method of sexual release I decide to read the bible, which I haven’t sat down to read in quite a long time.
I pray...
Speak to me...I want to be a warrior, not just a lover...Give me peace.
Sleep 5 a.m.
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