[i]
DREAM: Fear. Heavy eyes. Heavy times. In a bar. She’s messing with my psyche—playing games to make me feel jealous—I don’t want to hurt—I want to be unaffected.
Waking up sometime after 1 p.m.
Orange Juice.
I head over to the Volivas thanksgiving get-together off Wolfsnare—my mom is there. Eating a small plate of edible goodness. Small talk.
Back home. Editing drum tracks.
Despite the episode I received from Margot last night we already made plans to hang out on Thanksgiving. I take her to the Pancake House on 14th street where my mom and her friends have a huge buffet arranged. Eating a huge plate of T-Day related food—the Sweet Potato Dumplings are a hit—and the Merlot is perfect. There’s chatter and story telling on good and bad restaurant experiences between my mom and a few of her friends. Margot’s next to me sipping on coffee. I’m strangely despondent and feel a sense of loneness. I can’t control it for some reason. She takes notice after attempting to involve me on a midnight trip to Target for Black Friday.
“C’mon! It’ll be fun!”
I’m just not interested in taking part or even observing America’s biggest day of consumerism. She seems to be enjoying this time with me. I can tell when she gets excited about stuff like this.
We head back to my house. I put on Limitless (2011) and we coup ourselves up in the bed, holding each other, snuggling, sharing warmth. I rub her back and think to myself, how can such a cute and beautiful thing such as her produce such darkness and bitterness? The movie’s over now. And finally I’m able to examine and explain my sullen state of mind to her………………………….
The involvement. The emotions. It’s quite a hardcore realization to announce to her. Some of it hits her character hard. My intention was not to offend though and I’m a sentimental guy. It’s not like we’ve been seeing each other or hanging out until tonight. And I’m just not ready for her to be present in my life. I’m too affected. I’m certain soon enough within a month or so things could be somewhat normal. She’s standing by the door. I’m at the other end of the room. I see tears in her eyes. I respond with the same and run over to her with tissue in hand gripping her body. She says something about how the idea of marrying each other exists in another universe...
I whisper back, “We still live in the same universe. Anything’s possible.”
The deal we made about marrying by the time I turn 30 if none of us are seriously involved at the time comes up. I had forgotten about that. But I’m not so opposed to it. 3 years is a long way away. We’ll see...
“i need to counteract this slight gloom with work.”
Recording at the storage unit with Stephanie: guitars and vocals. Being productive makes me feel more useful.
Sleep 5:30 a.m.
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