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DREAM: I’m heavy and explosive—eating pizza at China Wok—the tomato sauce—that delicious pizza sauce—dipping my crust into it.
Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Blackberry Jam. Orange Juice.
Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house—working out new punk surf doo-wop songs.
Back home.
Fish Taco with Rice. Leftover Pasta.
Watching Limitless (2011).
With Darren, Devon, James Graves, and my mom. We trek to Norfolk where Emily and Doug are having a hang out at their house in Ghent. Sharing wine and some of Emily’s fresh baked vegan goodness. I brought over Hellcab (1997) to watch but Emily’s adamantly opposed to it claiming the scenes and acting are contrived, which I agree with. It sure has been a while since I’ve spent time with her. It’s been years ago when she escaped from her Maryland life to move into 1623 with me. She’s still the same brisk young blood I’ve known her to be. And Ambrotious, my kitty. He also has not changed, still biting your hand without reason, and looking as cute as ever. Other people I used to see are here. It’s a good old fashion time. Eventually Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) makes it into the DVD player. Now we’re all happy.
On the drive back, Darren enlightens us with his absurd knowledge and extravagant made-up stories.
I lean over to my mom, “Now you see the kind of people I live with...”
Back home...
“you know im actually okay with not having like a crush right now or a distraction...
seriously what makes me more happy is creating music and recording and being a project man...even though at the end of the day im alone...i still have friends to lean on and other delicious things in life i have access to taste”
...
I receive a drunk call from Margot. I haven’t seen her since she visited me at work last week. At first she sounds cute...“*I’m drunkie*” but immediately she takes on the ex-girlfriend role spouting nothing but hateful remarks. My psyche is in a little bit of shock—my singularity and course to wholeness has been disrupted. Circular conversations of negativity. I want out! Get me out!
...
Me: “You live in a hellish world and you don’t know your way out of it.”
...
The calls continue—send/receive. I listen to her talk—sometimes responding. Eventually she just ends up here on the Chanticleer streets. I realize at this point she has no intention of leaving until she releases every ounce of energy she has. Go ahead. Shovel everything you got. On a whim I dart outside. I hop into the passenger seat of her car then smother her with kisses. I fight back with positive energy—passionate energy. It feels in vain but it has the proper effect. No more hate. She’s laughing...and blindsided. Information is shared on her end that is only counterproductive.
Me: “I don’t want to hear about you seeing other people. I don’t want to know about it!”
Now it’s another hour of verbal reconstruction. She said she was lonely the past two days and that I’m her default. I don’t mind that so much.
Her: “I’m always going to love you...that’s sad.”
What am I doing out here? I was fine before she called. But really I’m still fine. I’ll go to sleep. And tomorrow will be another day. I want to stay unaffected and strong. I’m better than this nonsense. She’s not calm and I want to be calm. I love her and it’s understood. She loves me and it’s understood. But this is a new era for Robert. I need to keep moving forward >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
In my bed...alone. 6 a.m.
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