[i]
DREAM: My father is leaving. We say goodbye. I open the door to this crack house building where I have some business to take care of. I’m reluctant to invite him in but I do anyway. We grab each other and hug but stumble off balance and laugh about it. He leaves and I now remember what I’m doing here. Earlier, a skinny unattractive black girl instructed me to knock on the door to her bedroom down the hall and say, “Hey sweetie,” as a code word so she knows it’s me. I’m supposed to give her a sexual favor in return for something that was taken care of for my friends and me. I have no feelings about it. And I’m okay with it. I just want to get this over with...
Alarm goes off at 11:08 a.m.
Orange Juice. Banana.
All day shift at China Wok.
Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato.
[ii]
At the restaurant Sweet Vag (Sarah) and Stephanie show up. Within minutes after they arrive Margot makes an appearance but immediately leaves at the sight of “other visitors”. I try to convince her to stay but she’s acting weird about it. For some reason they intimidate her, but I guess she just feels like an outcast around my other friends. It’s obviously because these ones have vaginas.
“Margot Vs The Vaginasaurs!”
Stef and Sarah brought me leftovers from their lunch at Fire & Vine...I take part in the French Fries.
I acknowledge the grandma-ish green dress Stef is wearing, “You dress like a doll.”
We chat about gauging prospective love mates, mostly dealing with Stef and the kind of person she wants to start a home with...
Her: “I want someone whose gonna make me laugh and who can just get up and go with me...I want a project man.”
In my head I’m screaming in response...but with tameness, I want to be your project man!
I sense new pangs of longing...but they’re mild and reserved. I won’t pursue. Let it bloom on it’s own if it so chooses to.
Chic-fil-A Sweet Tea.
It’s such a slow night for deliveries.
Nicole comes to visit too. Maybe I didn’t get the memo that it was go-visit-your-friends-at-work day. Talking with Nicole is so fun and exhausting at the same time. Our analytical styling is of one accord and we don’t take one explanation as the final word. We cover topic after topic—talking about the new friends in our lives, the newfound independence, and the new things going on in general.
...
Me: “Metaphors are sometimes easier than words.”
...
Me: “I’m in a really good place right now...much more independent.”
Sitting down together and enjoying Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.
She’s stoked on the fortune cookie she just opened up because of its relevance to our previous conversation, “Let us train our minds to desire what the situation demands.”
...
Me: “I wanted to mean it!”
Nicole: “You just summed up all of humanity in that one phrase.”
Back home.
Organizing.
There’s a violent dispute in the hallway all sparked because Darren’s cat got out. A hole is punctured into the wall. Sometimes the ingredients in the soup of characters in this house turn sour and darker sides come out. But everyone’s coming from different experiences and perspectives. At the end of the day we’re all still brothers.
A bowl of Cheerios with Brown Sugar.
Sleep 4:48 a.m.
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