[i]
DREAM: Walking across a long narrow enclosed walkway bridge with a group of people. Certain police-type folk walk beside us. One of them reprimands me for wearing my baseball cap backwards and suggests I resituate it in the proper frontward position. Nervously I flip it around. In my mind I mull over why this officer had any say on how I should wear my hat. I question whether America is really free or not. We arrive at the end of the bridge where rich older folk lounge in a pristine pool. Some of the guys from my group jump right in without any introduction. I crouch into a corner where the cement meets the dirt and rock. It’s a picturesque moment. I grab my small digital camera and set up for a long exposure shot but the camera is frozen in processing mode and I can’t get it to take the picture. ☼☼☼ With Amanda, a friend of hers, and Raven. We’re all hanging out—walking in and out of places around town. I make sure not to say a word to Raven, as there is an unspoken awkwardness between her and I considering we haven’t communicated in 4 or 5 months. At some point she makes a gesture of acknowledgment to me. Softly and sweetly we reconnect on a bench but sharing little words, only mood and expression.
Waking up a little before 1 p.m.
[Text message]
Stephanie: “Today is a new day grandpa. I am bright eyes and bushy tailed for sure!”
Banana. Orange Juice.
Stretching and exercising downstairs.
Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea. Marbled Mocha Bread.
Watching Lonely Hearts (2006).
Practicing piano.
Fruit and Nut Bar.
Driving to Hampton in a hellish lockdown on I264. I attempt to take VB Blvd instead but the stoplights and Christmas traffic make it a nuisance still.
As I’m forced to sit in stop-and-go traffic I yell to myself in the car, “Nobody’s going anywhere in their lives!”
Practicing with Tim at his studio—working through Musicplayer songs.
Back home.
Eating a makeshift meal: Fettuccine Noodle Stir-Fry with Broccoli, Onions, Garlic, and Eggs.
With Stephanie, Darren, and Anthony meeting up with friends at Chicho’s. Elliott, Richie, and Kevin are already there. Sharing beers. Margot shows up. There’s some kind of beer pong competition going on.
Then to Harpoon Larry’s for a bit. Drinking a Fat Tire Ale. Some dude walks in that Stephanie recognizes as her sister’s crazy ex-boyfriend. There’s actually a restraining order against him and he’s not supposed to be anywhere near the family. She freaks out a little. But we leave soon after so everything’s okay.
[ii]
Back to the house.
[iii]
We gather on the Friend’s School basketball courts—shooting around—being wild and free. Richie has a destructive nature that is unbecoming. Watching him turn over picnic tables and tip over the flowerpots, and honking the horn and flashing the headlights from the shuttle bus.
Me: “Show some respect for The Friend’s School, man!”
After a while, Margot announces that she has to pee and is going back to the house. I didn’t pay too much mind to it. I should’ve...because later, on our way back I find her standing on the sidewalk with enraged eyes and a tense face. The others immediately recognize what’s about to happen and venture on. And I’m stuck to deal. Her dark nature has taken over. She starts yelling and ridiculing me for not walking back with her earlier as I was supposed to just be chivalrous and assume she wanted me to. I honestly didn’t think much of it at the time. Why didn’t she just ask me? The rest of the night is dramatic and unnecessary. Screaming outside the house—keying the side of my car—insults-galore—angry voicemails. This is all just ammo and fuel she uses to attack me with...overcompensating for her dissatisfaction and insecurity. Bi-polar. Twisted. Crazy. I don’t want to play this stupid immature game with her. This is a shame. How did I get under her skin so easily?
...
Her: “It’s like a dog. They need to be trained.”
Me: “You’re saying I’m a dog?”
Her: “Yeah, you need to be trained.”
I laugh on the inside at this ridiculous statement.
...
I’m just so disappointed because things have been very calm between her and I in the past two weeks whenever we spent time together. Eventually, you just have to realize that some people don’t change. They just don’t. And I am probably always going to make her crazy and have this torturous affect her.
...
Eventually I turn on my phone again and answer one of her thousand attempts to call me...
At first I try to be peaceful and unaffected...but the conversation is circular and redundant. I have to speak up...
Me: “Who are you? You’re some prissy high-class queen. You think you’re better than everyone else! You only think of yourself! Remember when you told me you think you can be a bitch sometimes? Well, this is one of those times.”
...
Eventually things cool off...
Her; “I was going to have sex with you tonight, like conscious sex...as a Christmas present.”
Me: “It’s not even Christmas yet.”
...
Me: “You know I love you. I always will. Keep that in the back of your mind.”
She has taken her toll on me tonight.
Exhausted.
Sleep with a headache 6 a.m.
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