Tuesday January 31 2012

[i]

DREAM: Vision of a float house, or a lake house, as it is identified by the narrator in my dream. A small pier with two homes docked against it...swaying up and down...in the middle of the ocean. This seems quite dangerous and an unstable place to live.

Not getting out of bed until 12:40 something p.m.

Just a Banana and Orange Juice for breakfast.

Grocery shopping. Bumping into Skippy at Trader Joe’s. I pretend to be his food dietician and give him pointers on healthy food to buy.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Aloe Vera Drink.

Watching About Schmidt (2002).

We received a postcard in the mail today from Anthony. Apparently he’s been in Rhode Island bumming around Brown University. 

[ii]

Google work.

Stretching my body out.

Editing. Organizing music files.

Coffee and Pumpkin Muffins.

Salmon with Green Peppers, Onions, Broccoli, and Mushrooms. Rice and Garlic Naan Bread. 

[iii]

Enjoying dinner at the card table while Becca snips Darren’s hair down to a handsome look. No more mushroom head.

Richie, Margot, and Kevin meet us at the house and we head over to the Russian’s house for a water pong tournament. Once there, spirits are high...a sort of mini-reunion...with Art, Jamil, and Roma. Anna and few of her girlfriends show up too. I team up with Darren but we take an epic loss against Richie and Kevin. Margot and Becca are called up but they’ve never really played before and also take a loss. Margot storms off. Her bad attitude and bad sportsmanship is unbecoming. Outside, she demands we leave.

Me: “Margot, we just got here. What is your problem? Is this all because you lost a game? It’s just a game. C’mon, why can’t we just hang out and have a good time?”

...

Her internal conflicts of self-pity resurface and are taken out on me. I forgot the world revolves around her when things go awry. Once again, here we are...in the middle of the night...in a parking lot...a brisk wind and arguments flowing. Doubting the idea of getting back together for fear of these episodes continuing. Our conversations don’t go anywhere no matter how much logic I sort out.

...

I drive us back to my house and she gets in her car and retreats to her place, then calls me sobbing about how all she wanted was to spend the night with me and sleep in, because she had nothing to do tomorrow for a change.

Me: “I’m a nice guy. Why can’t you get along with me?”

...

Me: “Look, the key is in your hands if you want to change.”

I told her I needed to chill out by myself and that I would call her later. I take a walk outside and smoke a clove.

[iv]

Becca came home to drop off Darren. I invite her into my room and we share our frustrations over our respective lovers. ***There is no relationship without trust.***Old habits die hard.***

She leaves and I try texting Margot but no response. She must’ve fallen asleep. Before I doze off she calls me upset because I didn’t call her even though I texted her. In the end I convince her to come over and resign in my bed. After a little squabble about the same shit and some lovemaking we venture off to sleep...snuggled next to one another...around 5 a.m.

---

[i] Floating House. Paulette Phillips.

[ii] Postcard from Anthony.

[iii] Pre-Haircut Darren. Image by me.

[iv] Talking with Becca. Image by Becca.

Monday January 30 2012

[i]

DREAM: I’m in a foreign country, maybe England. I’m escorted into a fitness center. Observing a new sport I’ve never seen before where players kick a ball around and attempt to make a goal into a curvy hole in the wall. It seems like a lot of fun. I walk further into the facility and pass four guys playing ping-pong. They hassle me and assault me and snatch the wad of cash I had in my pocket. They start going through things in my book bag. I feel angry and helpless because it’s four against one. They scram and drop everything. I analyze the wad of cash. I can’t confirm it but I know money is missing. I find two men that work here and that could pass for security. I explain to them my situation. They find two of the boys and reprimand them. Later, as I’m heading out in route to leave the country I realize that half of my American dollars were replaced with various currencies from other countries. None of the bills look familiar and they almost resemble Monopoly money. Some are purple with cartoonish designs. Some teal. Some red. Damn those kids.

Alarm goes off at 10:45 a.m. It’s freezing in her room.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice. Zinc (50 mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

I find my brain wandering...

The mind can run wild with disconcerting thoughts that cause a mental pollution making one feel unstable, impure, and without control. But you have to take hold of the worrisome monster and release all the what if’s. Purge yourself of the dark imagination. Remember the power of light and hold it close to your heart.

Slow afternoon.

Spicy Chic-fil-A Sandwich with Lettuce, Tomato, Mayonnaise, and Mustard. Waffle Fries. Sweet Tea.

Steady and cold dinner shift. Jamil and I do up the bags on the down time. Cecily offers us those Chinese Peanut Cookies I tried yesterday. Delicious. I strike up a deal with her to make a dozen of them in exchange for some homemade muffins.

Some dumbo out in Croatan had to order right when I was cashing out pushing my shift up to 11 o’clock.

As I drive out there I chow down on Broccoli, Snow Peas, and Rice.

Sometimes Anthony will text me quotes at random times. Here’s one from tonight: “There is perhaps as intimate a relation between time and sex as between death and sex. Both death and sex take the subject out of time.” – William S. Burroughs.

Off work.

I bake Pumpkin Muffins from scratch with Darren by my side in the kitchen.

Watching a scientifically intense documentary on meat and dairy based foods and it’s link to a number of cancers and diseases. Forks Over Knives (2011).

Sleep soon after.

---

[i] US Currency Defaced with Pop Culture Icons. James Charles.

Sunday January 29 2012

[i]

Waking up at 11:40 a.m.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

Delivering an order to Treetop. A fairly built white guy with a metal prosthetic leg opens the door. I hear a dog sniffing nervously behind him. All of a sudden I’m blindsided by a wave of sound that causes my whole body to shutter and my eyes to blink a few times. Usually the little Chihuahua’s barks pierce right through to the brain. But this big dog had the loudest resonating bark I’ve ever heard. The guy smiles and apologizes.

Margot stops by for a visit. Her voice is shot from a recovering sickness and having to talk loudly in the clubs she attended the night before.

Me: “It’s weird having a quiet Margot next to me. It’s kind of nice.”

Her: “Shut up.”

Me: “No. I don’t mean it like that. It’s just nice having a presence in the passenger seat. No words. Just having someone there with you...”

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.

The day continues and the delivery notebook fills up one by one.

Banana. Chocolate Donut and Coffee from Wawa.

Me: “This coffee just tastes like hot sugar water.”

Ling, my boss, lets me try a special treat Cecily concocted: Chinese Peanut Cookies. It’s a fried pastry dough filled with a sweet peanut sauce. Just scrumptious. He says it can’t be on the menu. I tell him it can be a secret item on the menu only a few customers know about.

As I’m cashing out I notice a penis graphitized onto a dollar bill.

Off work. Bringing dinner to Margot’s place. I got her beef lo mein. I chow down on Hot and Sour Soup and two Shrimp Egg Rolls for myself. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) on TV.

My fortune cookie: “Doing little things well is a step towards doing big things better.”

Her fortune cookie: “Big things coming in future. Only matter of time.”

After a few races on Mario Kart Wii...off to sleep at 2:30 a.m.

---

[i] Penis Dollar. Image by me.

Saturday January 28 2012

[i]

DREAM: An aquarium full of various creatures caught for sustenance. Bullfrog split in two. Tarantula. Spilt alligator’s blood (made of red string-like shapes floating around in the water). I assure my friend that we’re going to drink this and that it’s healthy for us. Later I’m analyzing and admiring these group photos that Stephanie altered by placing enchanting landscape images of the European countryside in the background. Some with castles and a metallic frizz that sparkles like a GIF image.

Me: “These look great, Stef!”

Waking up at 11:15 a.m.

Egg and Cheese Biscuit from Bojangles. Orange Juice. Zinc (50 mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

Peanut Butter English Muffin. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.

A slow afternoon for Chinese food.

Organizing music files on my computer...

And then………..

...

Dinner rush! Go. Go. Go. Car running non-stop.

In the restaurant a young lady walks in to pick up an order. She has a really mischievous smile. It’s as if I’ve met her before. I decide to say something, “You look really familiar? Have you ordered here before?”

She replies, “No. I get that a lot.”

Delivering an order on Amsterdam Court. I remember this one. She owns a bunch of antsy cats that try to slip out. She cracks the door with just enough room for me to hand over the food. Her legs blocking the way for the cats. The prettiest face I’ve seen all day. She smiles and leaves me with, have a nice day, and I give her the same. I smell the credit receipt she just signed. A scent from her perfume/house lingers on the paper. Oh. That scent...such an enchanting scent. What is that? I could fall in love from this alone.

Good tips. Good day at work.

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.

I head over to Aaron’s dad’s house off Great Neck Road for Chris Remaley’s B-day get-together. I open the door to manly howls from Felix and Chris. I haven’t seen these guys in a long while, as well as Aaron. It’s like a mini reunion. Josiah and Becca are here along with a few other people I just met. Using Aaron’s dad’s cheap computer speakers we pump up the jams on my iPod and facilitate a dance party. Good times. Running around loosening our bodies at full force. Drinking beers. Becca pours me a few mugs full of this raspberry beer. Deliciously tart. 

[ii]

Later, back at the house. Becca comes over for an hour or so. Lounging in my bed looking through photos and videos from the party. Discussing human insecurities in her current romantic relationship. Sharing good thoughts...humorous thoughts. Pretending to fall asleep then awakening suddenly with a gasp. Making fun of those moments when one freaks out from falling asleep longer than they wanted...“Oh my gosh! I gotta go!”

Sleep shortly after 4 a.m.

---

[i] Patrick Leger.

[ii] Party images by Becca.

Friday January 27 2012

[i]

Waking up just before noon.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice. Zinc (50 mg).

Business. Scheduling. Talking with my mother.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.

Watching The Way Back (2010).

Editing blog entries.

Peach. Aloe Vera Drink.

Google work.

Pear. Slice of Pizza and a Carrot with Ranch.

Margot gets off work around nine and we meet up at Plaza Azteca for Chips with Guacamole Dip and Jumbo Margaritas. She mentions how weird it is that we’ve known each other this long, been through so much, and are still seeing each other in this moment.

Later, at her place we find ourselves making love (after nine days according to her, via text yesterday). She’s so beautiful on this bed...a peanut butter wonder. It’s a treat to be able to experience such glorious bliss with her. Maybe this is the 326^th time? Who knows. It would have been interesting to keep a tally from the first time on. She’s sleepy. I tuck her in and take off back home.

Darren, Nicole, and Dan are hanging out. They’ve been sipping on multiple beers and chugging Southern Comfort shots. I bring up the idea to take advantage of all these peanut butter jars we’ve accumulated and make Peanut Butter Cookies from scratch. They turn out just splendid. We share them with the whole house and sit at the card table happily debating about this and that with Darren as the driving opinionated force behind it all.

Then Kevin comes home and a pillow fight ensues in his bedroom...

Reading. Then sleep around 3 a.m.

---

[i] Pillow fight. Image by me.

Thursday January 26 2012

[i]

DREAM: Driving this boat car down the street. Being chased by authorities. Dive into the ocean. Stay afloat because my car is a boat too. A fat man beside me steering the boat and manifesting a power-up speed ability on the boat causing us to soar across the water and into the border of another country. I thought at first this was France because of the French speaking peoples but soon found out it was just Canada. It’s understood that the border patrol has been informed of two escapees from across the ocean. So we don’t even take the chance and hop back into our speedy boat and take off further down the shoreline. Buildings and city life surrounding us. The harbor seems like a safer place to dock.

Waking up at 12:49 p.m.

Sitting at my computer chair. I had opened my door to go to the restroom. Darren walks by...

Him: “Hey your door is open. That means the outside world could leak in at any moment.”

Me: “Yeah that means I need to shut it right now.”

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice. Zinc (50 mg).

Bank. Errands.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.

Watching Heavy Metal in Baghdad (2007).

Google Work and research.

Stretching and dancing in my room.

Beer Glazed Black Beans with Onions, Garlic, and Mixed Vegetables. Carrot with Ranch. Coke.

Kevin and Darren are home. James Graves and Elliott come over.

Darren: “Just because you feel your life is important doesn’t mean that it actually is.”

We gather Tim and Erica and head to the Friend’s School for basketball and the rope swing. Playing a challenging game of knockout. It feels good to get the blood flowing.

Back at the house sharing Marbled Mocha Bread and talking about our recent dreams.

Over the past few weeks, and throughout my life really, I experience these random sharp pains in my chest that last for about 30 seconds and breathing increases the sharpness briefly. After some research I discover I may have Precordial Catch Syndrome: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Precordial_catch_syndrome

Sleep around 3 a.m.

---

[i] Frog Car Boat. Shigeru Komatsuzaki.

Wednesday January 25 2012

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

I’m locked away in a maximum-security prison that’s built into a volcanic mountain. They’ve got me cooped up way down at the very bottom. It’s understood to be the lowest environment a human can be and still breathe. My cell is on a ledge and I am forced to feel the piercing heat of the lava river directly in front of me. Images of glowing lava flash through my head like scenes from a film. Something’s happening within the mountain and I watch cliffs crumble into the river. The rest of the crew in this prison is aware and taking precautions. I’m worried I’ll be forgotten. The guard who was personally assigned to watch me at all times has run off. I take on a third person perspective. I’m Mark Wahlberg. I fiddle with some tools lying in a bag nearby and attempt to open the gate. I unlock it just in time as the bulky black guard marches up. The frame switches to me escorting the guard with his hands cuffed behind his back. I meet up with scientists in the foyer who know me and are on my side. They show me to the transformation room. I have to hurry and find a costume and mask so the prison won’t recognize me. Opening and shutting the file cabinets. Black jeans. Purple pants. Each costume has a folder with information on the person you transform into. I finally select one. I run into the bathroom and catch a shot of my face in the mirror. I’m some fat old Indian man. Perfect. I rush downstairs where a briefing is being held on the destruction of the volcano and how we’re going to transport the prisoners and everyone out of here.

My scientist friends warn me about something, “He’s talking about the dunes.”  

The dunes were the place my arch nemesis police lieutenant found me and took me in. He still despises me.

▬ ○ ☼ ○ ▬

You were supposed to be spending the night in your brother’s room. I keep sliding my hand across the bedroom door to get your attention because earlier you gave me signs that you wanted to sleep in my room.

Kevin walks by and asks, “Is Gillian sleeping with you? Cause I heard she wants to have sex with you.”

I nonchalantly blow it off, “Um. Yeah I don’t know about that.”

He retreats down the stairs. Later, you enter my room with a mischievous smile on your face. I close and lock the door. We get naked and there’s foreplay. I put on this awkwardly shaped blue condom that isn’t latex but a thread-like material similar to what makes up a book bag. When I enter you from behind I ask if it hurts. You don’t seem to like it. Then I try on a normal latex condom and everything is fine and we continue in pleasure with you in a reverse cowgirl position.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up somewhere between 11 and noon to the sounds of banging from Chanticleer maintenance people working on a door next to our place. I feel somewhat guilty for the dream I just had.

Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Banana, and Milk. Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).

Phil says he had a dream about me: “I dreamed you organized a month-long woodstock-like festival at a Trashmore-like location and everyone was gradually building the hill into a castle. I was trying to get the ski poles that my mom rented and left there the night before but everyone wanted to talk me into staying and no one could help me.”

Stretching and dancing in my room. Getting the blood flowing to a body lacking in physical activity.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.

Vaginasaurs rehearsal at Stephanie’s house. Running through the set and snacking on Nutella Toast and an Apple.

Then, to Norfolk for the wintery outside show in front of Kelsie’s vintage store, With Lavender and Lace. It’s a good 20 or so people for an audience, a few friends and strangers. Kevin and Richie perform as Playground Run Around, a violin and acoustic guitar duo, an appropriate sound for the cold weather. C.J. Boyd, a solo troubadour impresses us with his melodic bass abilities and looping. Then, I bang on the drums for The Vaginasaurs. We got a fire pit going. Sharing PBR’s and good times. 

Driving back to Virginia Beach. Stephanie in the passenger seat. We strike up a conversation about our former exes and how drawn we still are to them. Sometimes it’s hard to understand the permanence one has in your life. I guess we don’t have to accept it but we choose to keep them in our pocket like a good luck charm.

Back home. Eating dinner at the card table with Darren. Tuna Steak with Broccoli and Onions. Pita and Hummus.

Visiting Margot at her place. She’s still sick and with a persistent runny nose. I bake Blueberry Scones and we compete in Mario Kart. Then, she’s off to bed and I return home.

---

[i] All images by me.

Tuesday January 24 2012

[i]

DREAM: I’m surrounded by a huge crowd in front of this music venue. Walking and talking with a friend. We pass these two girls and I thought it clever to say something out loud to make myself sound cool, “My bones. My bones. Break my bones.” I don’t know what I meant by that but one of the girls repeats it to her friend and giggles. The guy I was walking with ditches me to go inside the venue and cut in front of the big line waiting to get in. I’m alone. I sneak in through the side. It’s understood a band of mine just finished playing so I gather our equipment and instruments and organize it in a pile. The lights go dark. I hear a whirling sound cut through the air. I look over as a Frisbee slices the chest of each performer on stage, like thick protrusions. They seem to be okay but just in shock. The Frisbee returns to the soundman whose standing there in shock too. He obviously didn’t throw it but someone set him up.

Waking up around noon.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, Bananas, and Milk. Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).

Business.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Aloe Vera Drink.

Watching Until the Light Takes Us (2008), a documentary on Norwegian black metal in the early 90’s and its aesthetics that became a trend. There’s a bloodletting performance shown that resembles some of the images I saw in my dream.

Grocery shopping with Darren.

Then, back home. Trying to cook dinner with Darren but he’s already downed three shots of Southern Comfort and he becomes overly critical of how I like to cook because of his superior chef experience. Finally, we complete the meal: Tuna Steaks with Onions, Broccoli, Mushrooms, and Cabbage. The State of the Union Address comes on NPR. But he gets disgusted with the first two sentences out of Obama’s mouth and turns off the radio.

...

Upstairs in my room I continue watching the address while I re-string my guitar. Obama’s words aren’t nonsense at all. He presents a lot of productive statements and visions. It’s a shame that his reputation has diminished over the course of his presidency. He has the right logical mindset and lays out the appropriate list of actions that need to be taken in order to solve America’s outrageous problems. He puts a lot of pressure on Congress to give him specific bills. And really, change is in the power of their hands just as much as his.

Chocolate Chip Cookies and Milk.

I talk with Margot for a bit over the phone and express some of the suppressed feelings of anger I’ve been having. But I’m calm and collected as I talk about it and explain that, “You’re a precious woman in my life. And that’s why I feel like I have to look after you...protect you.”

...

Her: “We’re in a weird place.”

Me: “Weird? We’re not in a weird place. It’s well defined. It’s just a stage. We’re two people that love each other and are deciding whether or not we want to be in a long term relationship again.”

I get off the phone and she texts me shortly after, “You’re so special to me and the only person I WANT to be with. So simmer down.”

I respond, “got it. ill simmer down.”

Researching black metal bands and other unrelated ethereal music of northern Europe.

Sleep shortly after 3 a.m.

---

[i] Until the Light Takes Us [Still].

Monday January 23 2012

[i]

Waking up at 10:50 a.m.

Before I depart from her place I find a do-to list she has laying there on the shelf and add two items, next to plunger and avocados, “kiss from robert” and “lovin’ from robert”.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, and Milk. Strawberry Banana Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

I have a delivery to Cape Henry Tower apartments off Shore Drive. The old lady that lives there recruits me to buy her a few packs of Misty cigarettes. The sky is misty too—the fog encompassing the buildings turning them into ghosts. I take a deep breath through my nose. Ahhh. “This is refreshing.” The level of coolness is perfect. “It’s perfect out here.”

Peanut Butter Pita. Potato Chip Trio. Aloe Vera Drink.

As I’m driving and making my deliveries I become terribly distracted. My mind is enveloped in dark things...cluttered with the breaking sounds of shock...stained with bloody hues of regret...I’m suffocated by a blinding controlling rage that rebels like a hurtful parade of disgust. I don’t know why I can’t stop dwelling on the fact she had sex with that idiot. It happened back in November when we were on non-speaking terms and moving on. And I know things are null and void between them now. But everything’s so deep and serious in my head and I still can’t put the figures together on why she let some misogynist womanizer trick her into thinking he actually enjoyed her company and wasn’t solely on the prowl for her a pretty body and a quick fix. The signs were obvious in the beginning when he was unruly and aggressive. I pointed that out but she didn’t care. I have so much hate towards this guy for speaking to her like a piece of ass. My imagination runs wild with scenarios where I’m given the opportunity to speak my mind to him or lash out in anger...maybe swing a bat across his back or wail punches in his face. This is ridiculous that I’ve stooped to this level of mental anguish. This guy’s a joke. That whole thing was a joke. I was supposed to be unaffected. There was supposed to be no communication. Why did she have to call me that night in November and open up a whole new chapter of conflict? I hate setbacks. But here I am anyway...doing what I do best, which is hang on tightly to love and my comfort zone. Hm. This is hardly comfortable.

...

Jumping into my car after grabbing a few orders. I look up at the sky to see a surprising sunset all pink and orange and purple. Pure beauty. I’m reminded how petty and insignificant all these troubles and tribulations are.

“Who cares? Who cares about anything?”

It’s a steady night for deliveries.

...

Margot calls me up after she gets off work.

Me: “Hey.”

Her: “Hi!”

Me: “What’s up?”

Her: “I miss you.”

Me: “[hehe]”

That phone call helped put things into perspective. Rather than focusing on a retrospective view.………………Here is now. Live day by day...in this moment.

Chinese food continues...

Off work. At home.

Hot and Sour Soup. Two Shrimp Egg Rolls.

Watching Solitary Man (2009).

I drop in to see Margot. She’s coming down with a small cold and she couldn’t locate her teapot and is without honey. So I brought over my teapot and the special honey my dad gave me from North Carolina. Watching Conan and other TV shows for a bit.

Meeting up with Elliott on the Friend’s School courts for some basketball. Whiskers, the school’s night watchman cat, is there roaming the grounds with his cat tribe. Shooting around calling out Apollo missions to identify the type of shot made. Some missions landed. Some didn’t.

Elliott: “This is how nerds play basketball!”

Relaxing by myself in my room.

Sleep before 3 a.m.

---

[i] Dadu Shin.

Sunday January 22 2012

[i]

Waking up at 11:20 a.m.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, and Milk. Strawberry Banana Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

Snapping the peas.

Peanut Butter Pita Bread. Potato Chip Trio. Aloe Vera Juice.

Why does she make me so nervous?

It’s a steady unstressed day for Chinese food. Generous tippers too.

Chocolate Glazed Donut and Coffee from Wawa.

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.

Watching Solitary Man (2009).

Hanging out at Elliott’s place. He’s dubbing split cassettes with four songs from The Vaginasaurs and songs from his project, You’re Jovian as well. We’re going to hand them out for the show on Wednesday.

I stop by Margot’s with the possible intention of sleeping there. She just had a bunch of her girlfriends over here hanging out and she has to open in the am so she’s super tired. Her roommate Emily baked homemade Pound Cake. I have a few slices with a little White Wine. We sit there on the couch discussing things while she’s obviously exhausted. I experience those ugly feelings of jealousy when she informs me the next two evenings are booked with two different guy friends of hers. And here I am at the butt crack of her day. Her life is busy now...juggling work, school, a social life, and getting acquainted with her new living situation.

Me: “I don’t have security with you right now…………….I think I’m just too emotional with you for my own good…………….I miss you being invasive.”

...

Her: “I like that you’re complaining about not spending time with me……….You’re still my number one, Robert.”

...

It’s nice having someone who considers you their world...considers you #1. How much longer though? Will I always be number one in her life...her first choice? I hate the rollercoaster relationship. We’ve ridden this many times before and it does get old.

Me: “I told you before I want all of you or nothing at all. I don’t want to be on this rollercoaster and I know you don’t either.”

Her: “That makes me sad I couldn’t be friends with you if we didn’t start dating again.”

Me: “Yeah I know. But I can’t watch you...knowing you’re available to other guys.”

...

I recall to her the time she was desperate and said she would change/do anything to make the relationship better.

Me: “Would you really do that?”

...

She tries to convince me that it’s not her that stresses me out so much but my love for her that stresses me out.

She’s dead asleep next to me but I can’t seem to get there. It’s hot and my neck hurts. It dawns on me that I could take a peek at her text messages in case there’s something hidden in the interaction that she’s holding back from telling me. She’s never been good at hiding things though. And she’s not one to lie and she’s really only ever lied once to me but it was for my protection at the time. I hate feeling this insecure that I would do this but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to ease my mind. I had to. I flip through the conversations, most of them about making plans with friends like: “We’re at Schuckers” or “Meet me here” or “I have school tonight” or “What are you doing tomorrow?” But one unnamed number is obviously from James Duke. I remember she said he changed his number a few times. My God, these texts here...the way he speaks to her like some shallow booty call, along the lines of, “I’m just looking for some mouth on my dick.” and other such noble phrases. Wow. However, her replies showed an apparent distaste for his ugly classless words. She calls him out for being such a shitty person, something along the lines of, “I can’t believe I had sex with you...” I foresaw this being the extent of their relationship. But it’s a shame she had to learn the hard way.

...

Either way my body is shaking and my feathers have been ruffled. I’m nervous and tired. She mildly snores next to me. Time to sleep all this off.

---

[i] Elif Sanem Karakoç.

Saturday January 21 2012

[i]

DREAM: A ghost haunts this abandoned warehouse building. With a big group of people that take me to the location. Supposedly this male ghost reveals himself at 9:50 everyday, or maybe it’s only once in a while. We step inside carefully. I glance at my watch...

Me: “Guys, it’s already 9:51!”

Everybody becomes very still. I open the double doors on the side and discover a heavy force wind keeping them shut. I hear an eerie whistling throughout the room. Strange things start to occur. People feel a difference. Later, I’m riding a horse in search of the manifestation of this ghost. I come across him in an alley. This dark shadow with distinct white eyes pulls me in and it’s understood I’m under his reign now. I’m given a piece of paper showing a list of books with specific subject titles. I’m supposed to purchase one once a month.

I ask the ghost man, “So just how old are you? 200 years old?”

He looks surprised by my guess and responds, “Add 18.”

Me: “So you’re 218.”

It’s 10:50 a.m. Waking up ten minutes before my alarm is set to go off.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, and Milk. Strawberry Banana Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

Dreary. Rainy. But not cold and the air is fresh...rain fresh.

Salt n Vinegar Chips. Aloe Vera Juice.

On the interstate I spot a vulture sitting on top of a light pole with its wings spread out in a statuesque pose...frozen in position.

Me: “What? A vulture? Since when did we have vultures?”

Underneath the bridge I spot a man kneel down and rinse his hands with the run-off rainwater flowing on the curb.

Me: “What? We do that here?”

Chic-fil-A Sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato. Sweet Tea.

Getting ultra angry with the idiot people I get stuck behind on these one-lane roads. The persistent rainy condition doesn’t help either. Yelling out loud in my car where no one can hear me. Growling. Banging the passenger seat next to me.

This night doesn’t end—the orders keep coming.

Finally off work.

Shrimp Egg Roll. Black Beans with Broccoli, Cabbage, and Onions. Garlic Naan Bread.

Editing and mastering Vaginasaurs demos.

Sleep sometime around 3 a.m.

---

[i] Image source unknown.

Friday January 20 2012

[i]

DREAM: Attending this small gathering. A hipster looking girl I barely know, maybe only met once in my life, is talking to me. She shows me a fashion magazine to which she engraved commentary blurbs on random pages pointing out the ridiculousness of glamour. I read through them and they’re quite clever. Surrounded by like-minded people. Some guy puts on this pink dress to be ironic. People notice and take the opportunity to snap photos of him. This whole scene feels like the dawn of a post-cool philosophy.

Waking up around noon. Gah. I fear my normal late wake-up schedule is returning. I refuse to go back.

Instant Maple Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, and Raisins. Strawberry Banana Orange Juice.

Errands. Paying off my car loan in whole.

Margot calls in the middle of it all just to say hi and such. I get a little uncomfortable and nervous after she tells me her plans to hang out with some guy after she gets off work tonight. We’re still not dating and the lack of security really gets to me because I know her all too well.

Me: “Just respect me and I’ll do the same for you.”

...

Soon after I text her...

Me: “i want you all to myself or not at all. not interested in sharing.”

Her: “Well then let’s make it official. Cause I’m up for grabs until then.”

Me: “no. you’re not up for grabs until we finalize it. you’re mine until i say you aren’t.”

Her: “Yes sir!”

Grilled Egg and Cheese Sandwich with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Aloe Vera Drink. Strawberry Yogurt.

I text her again...

Me: “if you wanted to sleep with me tonight in my bed id be okay with that.”

Intense Vaginasaurs rehearsal at Stephanie’s house. Recording some live takes on new songs.

Snacking on leftover Pizza from Sarah.

Back home.

Garlic Black Beans with Cabbage, Onions, and Broccoli. Garlic Naan Bread.

Editing Vaginasaurs tracks.

Pineapple. Hot Chocolate.

I settle down in bed and Margot shows up. She’s fresh off work and had to close. Unsatisfied with the money she made. She strips everything off except her panties. I love that I have someone that feels this comfortable to be practically naked with. Warming up and snuggling together...

Her: “Why can’t we be Facebook friends again?”

Me: “I don’t know. I kinda like the idea of two people who are very close not being Facebook friends. I can talk to you about things instead of you already knowing.”

Sleep around 3 a.m.

---

[i] Blue Hair. Image source unknown.

Thursday January 19 2012

[i]

DREAM: I’m running away from a man. Hop. Jump. Skip. Across the prairie. I make it through the trees and peer out onto a vast futuristic city located in the center of the mountains. The man is close on my tail. I dart up high in the sky and begin to fly...flailing my arms...keeping the momentum. The man stands guard on the edge just watching. He yells out to me to watch where I land. It’s as if he’s looking out for my safety. I’m soaring high above this city, which is understood to be Paris. The architecture is intricate. Warehouses. Dark yellows and reds. The smog. An old city charm built into fresh design. I’m losing my momentum and I’m forced to land directly into an office building...

Getting out of bed at 11:10 a.m.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, and Milk. Strawberry Banana Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

Pretty busy afternoon.

Spicy Chic-fil-A Sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato. Waffle Fries. Sweet Tea.

I deliver an order in Margot’s neighborhood and decide to pop in for a surprise visit. She likes it. I only have about 10 minutes though. I lounge on the couch with her. One of the Kardashians appears on the TV and she mentions how young she looks despite being 30.

Me: “Well of course. 30 isn’t old. People still look young at 30. It’s when they turn 40 they have to start looking out...and the wrinkles. I’m definitely gonna have some wrinkles from all the stress in my life.” I pull a smirk and add, “...all the stress you cause me.”

She smiles and replies with, “No. I enrich your life.”

Me: “Yeah well along with any kind of enrichment comes the stress.”

Her: “But that’s how it is when you care about someone.”

And busy dinner rush.

Japanese Snacks and Prunes.

The last two hours of work is dead.

Back home.

Salmon and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.

Watching The Fighter (2010).

My fortune cookie says, “Ones always regrets what could have done. Remember for next time.” What?

Even mentioning the word “cookie” in this house can cause an overwhelming excitement to its dwellers compared to that of a dog when you repeat the words "treat" or "walk". Making Chocolate Chip Cookies...then enjoying them.

Sleep at some point.

---

[i] Doxorubin in methanol and dimethylbenzenesulfonic acid (80x), Polarized Light. Lars BechNaarden, The Netherlands. Courtesy of Nikon Small World.

Wednesday January 18 2012

[i]

DREAM: In an office building or hotel. An unfamiliar girl and I are about to take a shower. Liam Neeson is her father. He walks in just as I’m about to take off my clothes and hop in the shower with her. He hides his surprise, “Oh. Sorry to intrude.” But we both know he’s not comfortable with this. Later, it’s understood a bomb has been set somewhere. I walk out the front door in slow motion like in a movie scene and hear a click but nothing happens. All of a sudden everyone knows there’s a bomb planted somewhere in the building and they start to scramble to get out. I check the electrical circuit and discover the bomb malfunctioned.

Waking up around 11:30 a.m. She’s still sleepy but I rustle the sheets and squeeze and grab softly to awaken her. Sex is becoming a regular thing for us again. I don’t mind. I love being inside her.

Back home.

An Egg. Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, and Milk. Strawberry Banana Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).

Stretching.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Aloe Vera Drink.

Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house. Tweaking out songs hardcore and writing a new one.

Afterwards, her mom treats us to tacos again like last week. I fill up with some Black Bean ones.

Back home. Stephanie, Sarah, and Elliott are hanging out in Darren’s room. I put the cat on the beanbag and whirl him around the room.

Me: “This must be what it feels like on a cloud!”

...

Downstairs...everyone at the card table. Sharing Thai leftovers. Having Tom Collins gin drinks. Darren’s so satisfied with what’s he’s sipping on...

Darren: “I’m a classy as fuck person stuck in a really not classy as fuck situation.”

...

Darren can be existentially disheartening. I try to bring to light what we should be grateful for...

Me: “We’ve tweaked our way to this point. We have nothing to worry about. We get free food.”

Darren: “I’m a life hacker.”

...

I’m tired and tipsy from the gin drinks.

Sleep around 2:45 a.m.

---

[i] Sam Gordon.