I LOVE: March 2012

Saturday March 31 2012

[i]

It’s about 7 a.m. I hear a persistent tapping at my bedroom door and wake up. I open the door. She’s standing there in the dark hallway looking sad and immediately collides into my arms. I accept the embrace. I knew she’d come to her senses.

She looks so sad and says to me, “I woke up and you weren’t there.”

...

Cuddling and sleeping...

Waking up just before 11 a.m.

Supersonic Breakfast Burrito (Egg, Cheese, Tomatoes, Jalapenos, and Tater Tots). Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

Grapes.

I persuade Margot to come join me at work on a few delivery runs. We have the chance to reflect on last night and make apologies. After all the ridiculing I always hit a point where I can look back on her outrageous behavior comically. I try to explain to her that the actual experience was stressful...

Me: “It’s not funny. I was in bed with the phone by my head and I had to listen to you repeat, I hate you. You kept saying that.”

She smiles mischievously...

Me: “I’m serious. It’s not funny.”

Her: “I’m only smiling because you keep saying, it’s not funny.”

...

Me: “How would you feel if 100 years from now they wrote a play with you and me as characters?”

...

Playfully and yet also partially seriously she asks, “Why don’t you want to marry me???”

I keep with the mood, “Because you make me crazy!”

Her: “...crazy in love...”

Me: “I don’t know. We’ll have to see if it’s in the script.”

On the dead time one of my bosses, Ling, tells me about a rare expensive breed of dog called a Tibetan Mastiff. They sell from $600,000 to $1.5 million. They look like hybrid lion dogs.

Peanut Butter English Muffin. Quaker Cheddar Cheese Rice Snacks. Honey Green Tea.

The orders keep coming. It’s a fairly busy day for Chinese food.

While making a transaction at the register with a man I hand him the coin change and notice one of the pennies is old...

Me: “Oh man. And here’s a penny from 1955.”

Man: “Ha. It guessed my age.”

Me: “Really? That’s when you were born?”

Man: “Yep.”

Me: “That’s crazy.”

Dinner time. But not for me. For the customers. Driving. Driving. Driving. It gets to a point when it’s after 10 p.m. and a group of orders just comes in. I feel angry inside because all that means is one more obstacle away from me and sitting in my room decompressing. But my boss just can’t refuse more money for the business. Whatever.

Finally in my room...decompressing.

Vegetable Lo Mein. Apple Sauce. Aloe Vera Drink.

Sleep just after 3:30 a.m.

[i] Tibetan Mastiff.

Friday March 30 2012

[i]

DREAM: A girl I’m vaguely familiar with takes the stage but the stage is not a stage. It’s a muddy field. She dances and sings, performing her heart out. The audience and judges are in the distance paying attention to her every move. She jumps off a mound and slides in the mud on accident but pretends to do it on purpose.

Waking up at 11:40 a.m.

Instant Oatmeal with Flax Seed. Orange Juice.

Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house. Sarah’s feeling “wonky” so we end early.

Egg Sandwich with Tomato and Mayonnaise. Tortilla Chips with Guacamole.

Watching The Good Thief (2002).

Slicing and washing the potatoes for frying later.

My head really hurts and I’m in no mood to be around a ton of people but so it goes. Show N Tell is tonight whether I like it or not.

I drop by Margot’s work to confront her about earlier. She had called me sounding super upset because a friend of hers mentioned the angry voicemail that I posted last year on the blog. It’s a really touchy subject because the words and attitude on that voicemail are embarrassing and I pretty much exploited her for it. I didn’t think it would get that popular. I deleted it but people still talk about it. Either way, here I am in Harpoon Larry’s. It’s very busy. She’s not thrilled to see me. We talk briefly outside but nothing is accomplished and she has to go back to work.

...

I feel more stressed out than usual. Feeling a headache coming on...

I get called into China Wok for an hour and a half. Delivering a mere six orders.

Then back to the house. The show n tellers start piling in two by two. Running smoothly except our house is too small to fit everyone. A Bob Dylan poem is recited. Love letters from World War II are read. Guitars and violins played. Off-handed jokes and constructive thoughts are shared.

Reverend Warren Darrington...

Darren and Kevin take the mic...

Darren reacts to being commodified on Facebook...

Frying all the potatoes, which turn out to be a hit.

Wheeler is here. I know her via Stephanie and have seen her at a few other social gatherings. Her nickname given is because of her resemblance to the Asian character in Captain Planet who represents fire. She brought the house homemade Kitchari as a gift, made with Red Lentils and Rice and topped off with Mung Bean Sprouts and Calamansi (a miniature orange sort of fruit) that I enjoy thoroughly as I haven’t had the time nor the appetite to eat dinner earlier. I am grateful.

...

There’s something about her that is calm and mysterious. I’m not necessarily attracted but undoubtedly curious. We haven’t shared a substantial amount of words yet, just sparse conversation, at least in the physical realm. As odd as it may sound I do sense a spiritual communication that is unspoken except in a cryptic silence. I don’t want to confuse this reflection as bait to reel me out of my river of comfort, even as I might need to get out of it. There’s not much to speak of just yet.

The party continues. The mingling and the chatter go on. The beers continue to be drunk (not much for me). But my social health bar is low and the headache worsens leaving me with no choice but to retreat to my room and lock myself in. Little do I know the rest of my night will end in a pounding booming ballad.

...

Lying in the bed hoping to get in touch with Margot at some point. I told her I would call her after Show N Tell settled down but she also said she would be “blowing off some steam” after work and made clear that she didn’t want to talk with me.

I text. And I text. I call. And I call. No response.

It’s after 2 a.m. and she’s ignoring me. Not like her at all. I’m a little offended and worried. But after continuing to hit the call button over and over I finally get through. She was out of course at Poon’s, or whatever other bars, with friends drinking. And now she’s home but still with friends, one of whom I find out is a person I am not comfortable being around her because he’s the guy that made out with her back in January, attempted to do it again, and continues to iterate his admiration to her. And not to mention everyone is drunk. Not a good situation in my eyes. Even though it’s a group thing and she can stand her own ground I feel uneasy and set aside. I threaten to come over. And things escalate from there. Her roommate, Emily, is woken up from all the phone commotion and speaks to me briefly taking on the role of mediator cool-headed outsider. Margot gets back on the line...more argumentative discourse then hang up. Her friends left and now she’s even madder blaming me for ruining her night. From here on out there are no more conversations, as you would call them, but more along the lines of “Shut the fuck up and let me drunkenly rage to you, Robert!” She’ll call and I listen. She hangs up. I snooze then she calls again with more dramatic realizations. Eventually, she convinces Emily to drive her over to my house and say a few things to me in person outside in the Chanticleer parking lot but that doesn’t get us anywhere either. Margot gets back in the car. Emily steps out of the car and mediates once again...making a lot of sense.

I walk off and say to Emily, “Tell her I love her.”

Her: “That’s not going to change anything.”

I finally get off to bed at some late hour.

[i] All Show N Tell pictures by Rachel Rephan.

Thursday March 29 2012

[i]

Waking up at 11 a.m.

Egg and Cheese English Muffin. Goldfish. Orange Juice.

Taking the driver’s side door to my car off and repairing some things.

We receive porn catalogs in the mail addressed to “Discreet”. Nobody knows why we got these. This leads to a comment from Darren about sexual activity with girls while they’re on their periods...

Darren: “Any man can swim in the red river but a real man drinks from the red river.”

Fresh Guacamole with Multi-Grain Tortilla Chips. Honey Green Tea.

It’s about 4 p.m. Margot comes over to visit. She naps for a bit while I strum the guitar. Then she wakes up ready to do it. Afterwards, as she stays perched on top of me...

Her: “Are you all happy and cozy?”

Me: “Oh yeah.”

She wants a Blizzard from Dairy Queen.

Kevin makes fajitas and I add the guacamole I made earlier to the mix. Eating a Black Bean Fajita with Aloe Vera Drink.

I head over to visit Nicole at her place and also pick up the record player that was borrowed last Saturday for Stephanie’s birthday party. Nicole’s brother is here visiting as well. I haven’t met him until now. Its pleasurable seeing Nicole as it has been quite a long time since we’ve had any real conversations. We catch up briefly on life and talk about related issues/drama within our degrees of friends.

Sharing Chocolate Chip Cookies.

...

Her: “You seem somber now.”

Me: “Yeah I’m in a comfortable place.”

To the gym to work out.

Back home...warming up some leftover Mushrooms, Carrots, and Broccoli with Pasta and Bagel Garlic Bread for dinner.

Finishing Affliction (1997).

Elliott drops into my bedroom with his very own Yamaha synthesizer he bought from Cash Converters. He tests it with my “C” batteries but it’s broken. Within conversation...

Me: “You attracted to her?”

Elliott: “Of course. I’m attracted to any girl.”

He drags me along to Kmart to price check on some bike seats. Passing through the toy aisle where the power wheels are we notice how being politically correct is still important in advertising, especially with kids. The children models are racially diverse. It’s funny to us. I decide to grab some chocolate frosting and tortilla chips but as we approach the only checkout line that’s open I realize I’m making a bad choice...

“Wait. I just realized we’re in Kmart.”

We turn around and return the items. Kmart’s history of incompetence is that bad.

Sleep around 3 a.m.

[i] Diversity at Kmart. Image by me.

Wednesday March 28 2012

[i]

DREAM: In the car with my mom and my stepdad. They’re joining me on a China Wok delivery shift. I’ve got at least four orders in the passenger seat and I’m not familiar with any of the addresses. Not to mention the handwriting is hard to understand with unnecessary spacing. It becomes stressful because my phone’s GPS system is malfunctioning and lagging on directions. My mom is driving now. We keep missing the destination and have to do a million u-turns.

Waking up at 10:55 a.m. with a little anxiety transferred from the dream.

Supersonic Breakfast Burrito (Egg, Cheese, Tomatoes, and Tater Tots). Orange Juice.

Vaginasaurs practice at Stephanie’s house. It’s been a few weeks since we played our jams but we still seem fresh. Also, tinkering with a new melody.

Peanut Butter English Muffin. Quaker Cheddar Cheese Rice Snacks. Honey Green Tea.

Errands.

As I’m tossing out some trash in the neighborhood dumpster I find bags full of Spanish candy, like tamarind chili lollipops and hazelnut vanilla cups. Bringing it back to the house for our enjoyment.

Working out at the gym.

Back home.

Salmon with Kale, Cabbage, Onions, Broccoli, and Rice.

Art stops by. It’s usually poker night but we don’t have enough people. Instead we shoot the shit in the kitchen with Darren about American entitlement. Then revert to a few NBA Jam games on Sega.

Making Chocolate Chip Cookies as usual.

While opening the cabinet to get a glass a mug accidently falls out, smashes one of the cookies on the plate, then drops to the floor in pieces.

Me: “Welp There goes that. At least it was only an Xpress Lube mug.”

Darren: “You should write them a letter.”

Me: “What? What would I say?”

Darren: “You should write a letter to Xpress Lube and say, I obtained one of your mugs and just recently it broke. My immediate thought was how unimportant it was to me. And I would like to tell you how insignificant you are in my life.”

Eating Cookies and Milk. Watching Affliction (1997).

Margot comes to spend the night. I show her the video clips from last night. Of course she doesn’t remember most of it.

Her: “Is this how I really am to you?”

Me: “Yes!”

Sleep at 3 a.m.

[i] The Vaginasaurs rehearsal. Image by Stephanie.

Tuesday March 27 2012

[i]

DREAM: With a female friend, somewhat familiar, visiting an auto insurance company at their headquarters. Something’s wrong with my car and I want them to take a look. While waiting I notice it’s taking exceptionally long and find it suspicious that they keep moving my car. I step into the warehouse to investigate. All of a sudden I’m escorted into a fenced in space where two employees interview me about the history of my car. They question whether I even own it. This is ridiculous! I’m dumbfounded why they would ask that. I explain in detail how much I spent and how I paid the loan off in a year. Maybe they’re testing me. They leave me and I’m left waiting again. My lady friend is just outside the fence. She lifts her shirt up and wiggles her boobs around, but quickly stops after some workers notice what she’s doing. Inside this fenced in space is a wooden cross. I jump up grabbing hold of one of the arms and start doing pull-ups. I jump back down...

Girl: “You’re so weird.”

Me: “What? I was just doing pull-ups.”

I’m getting irritated at waiting. I gather a group of employees and complain about how long it’s been, “It’s been five hours and you guys haven’t even looked at my car! What have we accomplished here?”

None of them seem to share my sympathy or distress.

It’s 11:28 a.m. and I couldn’t fall back to sleep if I tried...well, maybe if I really tried. But I’ll take advantage of my body clock and just stay awakened.

Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Blueberries, and Coconut Milk.

Banana.

Darren and I go out for groceries at Kroger.

Darren: “Drugs are one thing but laziness will fuck you up.”

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Watching Extreme Measures (1996).

Organizing and cleaning my computer desk.

Researching into this speeding ticket I got via a photo radar machine traveling through DC while I was on tour with The Vaginasaurs. I’m reading a slew of articles where people have gotten out of paying it without consequences.

Working out at the gym.

Hickory Smoked Arctic Char with Rice, Onions, Kale, Cabbage, and Mushrooms.

Watching Mouth to Mouth (2005).

Making some Blueberry Streusel out of a box. It’s been in the cupboard for a while forgotten about. Kevin and Darren barge in the front door fired up in a conversation about Kevin’s subpar choice in sex partners. Darren tends to be a little overbearing in general but especially with people he wants to respect. He feels superior to people that don’t live up to his standards but from an intellectual perspective I understand where he comes from when he ridicules Kevin. It gets playfully heated and I try to intervene and calm both of them down.

I head over to Margot’s a little after 1:30 a.m. I’m supposed to help her in the morning with car things. She’s super trippy and cute when I arrive. She was drinking with friends earlier so she’s in that hazy alcoholic zone of hers that can either be very entertaining or turn badly in a jip. Luckily, I’m just entertained by her little girl demeanor and broken record statements. She slips under the covers and I sit by the bedside filming her on my phone.

Me: “You’re not going to remember any of this tomorrow are you?”

Her: “Yes I will!”

Eventually, I get under the covers with her and drift off to sleep.

[i] Sleeping Geese. Image by me.

Monday March 26 2012

[i]

DREAM: Conversations with Raven again. They seem to get warmer and more in depth every time...closer to resolve...at least here in dreamland.

Strawberries and Vanilla Yogurt.

All day shift at China Wok.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Potato Chip Trio with Avocado. Honey Green Tea.

I spot a halfway authentic steampunk kid in Ocean Gates apartments off Harpers Road, complete with top hat, cloak, baggy jeans, and gold chains. I didn’t know they actually existed in everyday life especially not in Virginia Beach. I think he might’ve sneered at me.

It's incredibly slow at work. I've taken only 5 orders in 4 hours.

...

Reading and researching.

Elliott pops in to visit. We chat about his experience at the SXS festival in Austin and the recycling of books made into movies.

Two Glazed Doughnuts and Coffee from 7-11.

After delivering Chinese food to some of the same addresses for over two years I tend to act on robot mode half the time. Once I read the address on the ticket I don’t have to put too much thought into how I’m going to get to the destination. But sometimes my brain fumbles big time and thinks I’m supposed to go somewhere I’m not. I’ve just arrived at Harbor Point condos on the south end of the beach and an overwhelming feeling of regret comes over me. I’ve gone in the complete opposite direction. The ticket doesn’t say Harbor Point it says Mariner’s Mark, which is on the corner of Shore Drive and Great Neck. That’s about ten miles away. I don’t know where I got confused. I inform Cecily, my boss, about the mistake and that I’ll be a little bit longer.

On the way I scoop up Margot whose come to visit me. I complain to her about the foul-up I just made. I blame it on the upsetting stomach caused from the coffee and doughnuts.

Me: “I had two doughnuts and coffee earlier. That was the worst choice I made all day.”

Continuing the shift. I keep getting these faraway orders. It’s ridiculous. And no generous tips to make up for the gas. 1 dollar here. 2 dollars there. Nothing worth my time tonight.

I’m at 4004 Atlantic Avenue and the hurricane force wind swings my door open with a jolt as I turn the handle. I think it’s broke now because it’s not shutting properly.

Delivering an order all the way to 72^nd street. Not thinking I give the guy the wrong bag but don’t realize it until I make it to 12^th street. The second big mistake I’ve made. Man, those doughnuts and that coffee really were the worst choice I made all day, like a bad omen. It sucks because I definitely lost major brownie points with my boss because up until now I was a flawless efficient human delivery machine. Now I’m just human.

I’m angry. A terrible day. The amount of money I made to the amount of miles I drove doesn’t balance at all. Why am I complaining anyway? Bad days like this come once in a blue moon and without them I wouldn’t have good days to compare them to.

Teriyaki BBQ Egg, Broccoli, Mushrooms, Kale, and Onions with Rice.

I head to Margot’s. Grabbing one of the PBR tallboys out of the fridge and pouring it into a glass. I start pacing around the living room sipping on the beer—venting about the struggles of the day to her while she lies on the couch. She’s wearing a fluffy white bathrobe...and nothing else—very enticing. With the combination of her being horny lately and me with the need for an angsty fuck there’s only one thing that could happen next. I try to make this one last. Her beauty screams to me like the magnetic forces of positive and negative. After a certain vicinity there’s no turning around. I notice more smiles which shows me she’s having a good time and pleased to be offering pleasure for me and for her self.

...

Afterwards, we sit back, relax, and cuddle. She lets out three little burps in a row. With a big smile she turns and asks, “Aren’t I cute?”

“[Haha!] Oh yes you are!”

...

Tucking her into bed then heading back home.

Sleep 3 a.m.

[i] Steampunk Abe.

Sunday March 25 2012

[i]

DREAM: Traveling. Arriving in a small unfamiliar town in the Midwest. Stopping at a famous shopping plaza and restaurant called Emerie. There are carnival games all along a narrow outside corridor. Upon entering the diner I see a few people I know seated at the tables.

Getting out of bed around 11:20 a.m.

Supersonic Breakfast Burrito (Egg, Cheese, Tomatoes, Jalapenos, and Tater Tots). Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

The sky is grey and overcast. A pleasant and refreshing mist sprays on my face as I walk to and from the car. Most people would wish for bright and sunny rays heating up their arms and faces. But I live for these days when the sun is not a bother.

I spot a bird’s nest on the sidewalk and a black bird pecking at a yellow substance inside it. The nest must’ve fallen from the canopy. I notice cigarette filters purposefully stuck in between the twigs. I guess the mother bird figured these things to be suitable material for the nest. She even pecked it out enough to serve as cushioning. How clever.

Kevin’s meme finally gets around to Margot’s viewing and she’s not too thrilled. I thought the image was pro-dating, which is what she pushes on us to be doing. I didn’t think it was anti-her but she seems to be under the impression that none of my friends like her. This whole thing leads us into an intense text conversation...

Her: “...Maybe you should think about our relationship and if it’s worth being together since your friends and the girl you love don’t mesh.”

Me: “I think you should read Romeo & Juliet. or maybe watch West Side Story.”

Her: “Well Romeo and Juliet both end up dead so are you saying we should kill ourselves to be together? Cause that’s a lil drastic. Also not applicable in this situation.”

Me: “our story doesn’t have to be that dramatic. but their story is worth looking at. they come from two different worlds yet are in love. how do we make that work? what can we do differently that won’t end in death?”

Her: “We didn’t always ‘come from different worlds’. We’ve changed. Things have changed. Maybe we don’t fit in each other’s life anymore.”

Me: “you fitting into my life has never been easy.”

Peanut Butter Sandwich. Honey Green Tea.

The night deliveries are steady. $2.00 seems to be the standard for tips tonight. I’m irritated at people’s mediocre tip etiquette.

Five Guys French Fries with Ketchup.

Something rubs me the wrong way while I’m driving from point A to point B to point C and then back to point B. I punch my passenger seat repeatedly and scream profanities. The combination of inconsiderate road maneuvers by other drivers and the shitty tips just strikes a tense chord of rage. I lose it inside my car. Even though I know at the end of the day it will be over with and I’ll have made a decent living I still need to release this built up aggression. There’s nothing wrong with yelling in the driver’s seat when no one’s listening. I could portray more patience than this though.

Finally off work and at home decompressing.

Hot and Sour Soup with Broccoli, Onions, and Rice.

Watching Red State (2011).

Fortune cookie: “No problem leaves you where you found it.”

English Muffin with Fig Spread. Coconut Milk.

If sex is not had within a day I usually revert to masturbation. In fact it’s always a part of the routine before going to sleep. In these moments of self-expressive ecstasy I often think about the essence of orgasm or the origin of sex and what it means. There’s something powerful that takes place after that crack of release. Of course it’s much more fully felt when there is another person to experience it with. But I find myself with the ability to take a step back from its heavenly feeling and see the significance. A drive to create...to make...to birth life...to manifest a symbolic explosion of existence. It’s a beginning and an end. It’s pure beauty.

[i] Fallen bird’s nest with cigarette filters. Image by me.

Saturday March 24 2012

[i]

DREAM: Temporarily I’ve joined a new band that Kevin has started. He plays guitar and sings, someone’s on drums, and I’m on bass. I have to learn all the parts before the house show tonight. Later, I’m on stage playing acoustic guitar covering a Bright Eyes song, “This is the first day of my life...” Forgetting the lyrics. Someone helps out by mouthing out the words.

Waking up around 11 a.m.

Banana. Supersonic Breakfast Burrito (Egg, Cheese, Tomatoes, Jalapenos, and Tater Tots). Orange Juice. Zinc (50 mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

It’s hot and the omni-present pollen is agitating.

Peanut Butter English Muffin. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

Let the rain fall down and wash away this yellow pestilence.

Grapes. Goldfish.

The day keeps going and going. Nothing special. Just me, comedy radio, and the Chinese food.

Kevin and I have a meme battle...

Finally off, back home.

Tilapia Fillet. Vegetable Lo Mein.

Fortune cookie: “Praise, like gold and diamonds, owes its value to its scarcity.”

I had planned on attending Stephanie’s Dracula birthday party to which most everyone was going. I decline because I feel physically exhausted. Instead I bum around, doing the dishes, watching flicks, and organizing music.

Waffles with Hazelnut Spread. Coconut Milk.

Off to sleep kind of early just before 2:30 a.m.

I wake up to a soft persistent knocking at my door. It’s almost 3:30. Who else could it be. I stumble out of bed and let Margot in. She was trying to call me.

Me: “Sorry I was sleeping.”

...

Me: “Why did you call me so much?”

Her: “I get scared. And I missed you.”

We cuddle up but almost immediately fall to sleep.

[i] Kazumasa Nagai.

Friday March 23 2012

[i]

DREAM: House on a lake. Dreamy. Filming three bridesmaids purposefully walking sideways off the edge of a pier into the water.

“Cut!”

Floating along in a boat picking them up out of the water. Inside the house now. Phil Gray is catching a nap on a couch. I realize I need a nap too and settle down near him. Meanwhile, the cast and crew meander about the house.

☼☼☼

Watching a college football game behind a concrete structure. Mascots on stilts representing giants. My friends and I crack open beers. Sudden fear of police officers nearby catching us. I toss my beer across the field to get rid of the evidence.

Waking up naturally...

I watch Margot put on bright attire, a teal skirt and pink shirt...

Me: “I can see why the British call women birds. You wear these colorful clothes to attract mates...just like birds, like those red robins and their bellies.”

We go to Doc Taylor’s for brunch. Amanda, Stephanie, and Marko happen to be there by chance.

Getting Dr. Tuttle’s French Toast with Orange Juice.

That dreadful yellow blanket of pollen covers the whole town, wherever there is a surface to be covered you can be sure it’s covered. It’s like God sneezed and forces us all to sneeze too.

Back home.

Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Multi-Grain Tortilla Chips with Fresh Guacamole. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

I get called into work at China Wok for a few hours. I stay later than expected but it’s profitable.

Spring Rolls. Tofu and Mixed Vegetable Soup with Red Beans and Rice.

Watching Good Neighbors (2010).

Fortune cookie: “Love mankind, trust the majority, and never owe anyone.”

[Text Message]

Margot: “Hi. I’m closing but I really need to see you tonight. Come over? Or I can?”

...

Margot: “Like seriously Robert. I really need to be with you tonight. Plz text me back.”

Me: “yoyoyo. what is going on? just got to my phone. are you okay? what’s wrong?”

Margot: “Idk. Nothing is wrong per say I just have this really strong feeling that I need to be with you tonight.”

Me: “per say? or nothing wrong at all? bad day? stress?”

Margot: “No. Well my tummy hurts. But it’s just a feeling. I want to be with my baby real bad.”

Me: “alright you needie sweet thang. I might be drifting off to sleep before you close but ill leave the door unlocked. text me when you’re on da way.”

A shot of Apple Cider Vinegar to dispel oncoming allergies and sickness, and with Hot Honey Red & White Tea.

Recording Vaginasaurs scratch tracks.

Strawberries with Honey. Popcorn.

Margot finally arrives from work...

Me: “So why was it so urgent that you see me tonight?”

Her: “I was just talking to some girls about this [other guy] and how he’s always saying how pretty I am and he wants to date me and I was just telling them I already have someone that loves me and cares about me...and puts up with my shit.”

...

Even though it’s really late and we’re both tired she persuades me into having sex.

Sleep just before 4 a.m.

[i] Pollen Blanket by Wolfgang Laib.

Thursday March 22 2012

[i]

DREAM: I’m getting acquainted with a new kind of baseball bat in someone’s backyard. It’s understood I’m in Australia. This bat is wooden and curved like a boomerang with a slender edge more similar to a scythe but not sharp. You’re supposed to swing and hit the ball with the flat tip of the curved bat as opposed to the body. The ball is placed atop a metal mushroom shaped structure like in Tee Ball. I attempt a go and the ball bounces off the shrubbery and trees and back onto the porch where I’m standing. Two Australian men come outside...

Man #1: “Did you show him how to hold it already?”

Man #2: “No. Not yet.”

Man #1: “I don’t think I’ve ever tried.”

Man #1 steps up to the plate.

Waking up at 1 p.m. This time is starting to be the magic hour of awakening.

Strawberries and Yogurt.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Multigrain Tortilla Chips with Fresh Guacamole. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

Recording scratch tracks for Vaginasaurs songs.

Banana.

Working out at the clubhouse.

Eggs, Broccoli, Onions, and Rice for dinner.

Darren and I head over to Margot’s place for her house warming party. Not too many people here except for a few of her friends. Chris Remaley makes an appearance. Drinking beers and taking down Fireball and Tequila shots. Eating homemade Chips and Salsa and Guacamole and Cupcakes. Playing Apples to Apples. Wii Dancing.

Later, I crawl into bed with Margot. She’s drunkie and being cute. I instigate sexual things, which in return relaxes the both of us and puts us to sleep.

[i] All images by me.

Wednesday March 21 2012

[i]

Getting out of bed at 1 p.m.

Banana.

I head over to Stephanie’s house. Amanda meets me there to borrow my pa system for a house show tonight.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Tortilla Chips with Fresh Guacamole. Honey Green Tea.

Workout at the gym.

Barbecue Salmon with Rice, Broccoli, and Mushrooms.

Poker night with the boys (Darren, Tim, and Art). Art’s proud of his new car, a 2009 Volkswagen Tiguan, to which he flew to Florida to get and drive back with.

I make gooey Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Darren continues to wear his notorious black Sega Dreamcast shirts...

Art: “And you wear that same shirt last time!”

Me: “Art, he wears that every day! He’s like a cartoon character. If you look in his closet you’ll see ten Sega Dreamcast shirts.”

...

James Graves shows up late after drinking margaritas with his friends. I don’t know who wins the first game of poker but Art convinces us to play a round of Omaha-style poker.

...

Sarah shows up to retrieve her guitar and amp. While trying to figure out how to fit the Marshall cab into her compact two-door car, James walks out...

James: “What are you guys doing?”

Me: “We’re trying to fit a triangular object into a rectangle!”

Anthony texts me a Kerouac quote...

“...Some people have vibrations that come straight from the vibrating heart of the sun unjaded...”

James and Darren are drunkenly singing downstairs and somehow make their way into my room. Darren takes a peek at my book collection...

Darren: “Do you really read books? You buy into all this populous literature. You’ve got the internet at your fingertips, literally!”

...

Darren: “I need girls who are cool with my farts.”

...

Darren leaves the room and James stays sprawled out in my bed and describes the romantic crisis in his life...

James: “I feel like a turtle going against the stream. I feel like a lot of my problems...I can’t do anything about it. I feel like a crooner with no one to serenade.”

Earlier Margot texted me: “Come over after poker and have sex with me.” I heed to the call and join her in bed. Before we engage in anything she’s acting cute and giggly, which I like so don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it doesn’t do the trick of turning me on...

Me: “You used to act more sexy. What happened to my Catherine Zeta-Jones? You’re like a Jena Malone now.”

Bam. Boom. Bounce.

Afterwards...

Me: “Sex with you is so amazing.”

Sleep around 3 a.m.

[i] Good Vibrations. Lou O’ Bedlam.

Tuesday March 20 2012

[i]

DREAM: A giant drilling robot is nearby with hostile intentions. His arms are digging machines, like the kind in science fiction films. I’m with two girls. They might be young enough to need looking after, which I am doing. I take us upstairs and into a storefront. I somehow have the ability to shoot a laser into glass, metal, stone, pretty much anything, and cut right through it, like a laser welding device. I get us through a glass window and safely into a room. The drilling robot can’t penetrate to where we are but he grows out a drilling arm in search for us. I can see it just outside slowly slithering around. In haste I weld through a brick wall two or three times and it reveals a TV screen showing a cartoon show. It’s understood we will be safe if we jump into the screen and reside in cartoon land where we are supposedly originally from.

“C’mon! Let’s go. We’ve lost all time.”

We jump in one at a time and by the skin of our teeth, because the drilling arm barges into the room in a rage because he can’t get to us.

☼☼☼☼☼

Caravanning on an interstate with an important government agency. Up ahead are colossal pickup trucks with trailer homes attached. Bombs go off underneath two of them and cause a panic. All vehicles stop. We get out to assess what’s happening. It’s understood a Muslim man is holed up in a stone-built church miles away. All of a sudden we observe baseballs shoot at incredible speed from far away. They decapitate people’s heads and kill them. One officer happens to have a baseball bat and cleverly swings one of the balls back in the church’s direction causing an explosion. Hopefully it killed the Muslim man or at least destroyed his catapult machines.

Waking up at 12:30 p.m.

[Text message]

Margot: “Hey if you’re not doing anything around 2 today. You should come over.”

...

Margot: “I wanna talk about some things.”

Me: “that’s fine.”

Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Blueberries, and Coconut Milk.

I drive over to Margot’s to “talk about some things”...

I grab some juice from the fridge and begin the discussion. Mentioning how opposites attract sometimes becomes opposites attack. We’re like puzzle pieces with our own agendas and feelings trying to connect...hoping to connect the way we see it in our heads. The main topic though deals with us in social situations with my friends. She thinks my friends don’t like her but all they ever see of her is the temper tantrums and the embarrassing freak-outs. It’s not a question of if they like her. Their opinion of her is tainted by these fiascos. I try to explain that it’s a personal wall she builds when around my friends and really it’s just an attention battle.

...

Her: “Sometimes love isn’t enough...to make it work.”

We transition to sweeter and playful moments before I take off.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.

Watching The Bang Bang Club (2010).

Groceries and errands.

Riding my bike to the clubhouse for a good workout. Some cardio. Some weight lifting.

The guy checking people’s member cards has his little brother here. He’s showing him the ropes. The little guy is talkative. There’s a bible group meeting in the den. In reference to it he says to his big brother, “So if you’re a Christian and you kiss your neighbor, are you a sinner?”

Big brother: “No. I don’t think so.”

Little brother: “Oh, then I’m good.”

Back home.

Strawberries and Vanilla Yogurt.

Margot and I go to Beach Movie Bistro to see 21 Jump Street (2012).

Eating Tuna Tacos with a side of Mushrooms and Broccoli. She gets the onion rings.

Some guy in the back is snoring obnoxiously. I notice it during the quiet moments and it doesn’t sit very well with the other members of the audience. After giving fair warning one of the dudes actually gets up and approaches the drunken snorer. He throws something on him and yells, “Wake up or get the hell out of here! I didn’t pay eight bucks to listen to you snore!”

Back home.

She’s adamant about having sex so we quickly lock ourselves in my bedroom. She’s half naked lying on her stomach and I’m on top but before anything even happens she starts up a giggle fit. For some reason the way I’m touching her tickles. Because the laughing continues my erection loses its confidence and slowly shrinks. She apologizes and approaches the chair I retreated to and tries her best but...

Me: “I can’t do this. Once he’s been denied it’s really hard to get it up again.”

...

I walk her out to the car. She doesn’t seem to be as disappointed as I am.

Her: “Tell me how you feel.”

Me: “I feel odd.”

Her: “No. Tell me how you feel...about me!”

Me: “I like you.”

Her: “Tell me you love me.”

Me: “I love you.”

She leaves and I text her...

Me: “that was really disappointing”

Her: “I’m sorry.”

Me: “I want a redo asap.”

Her: “Ok. That’s fine. Lemme know when.”

I get caught up in music browsing—watching Youtube videos of this psychedelic synth project, TOBACCO.

Biscoff and Hazelnut Spread Toast.

Sleep 4:30 a.m.

[i] Still from TOBACCO’s video, Constellation Dirtbike Head.

Monday March 19 2012

[i]

DREAM: I’m performing this feat in a field with two other people where we have to tip toe across a wire and land on a swinging sheet that’s symbolic of a time continuum. Later, in conversation with a man who is understood to have a higher intellect and power. He explains that, “It’s all about the Mega Earth!”

I run away from him and his underlings and his giant robots. While I make my get away I notice how unusually big my surroundings are. The trees colossal. The grass almost taller than me. Woodland creatures matching my size. It’s understood that I’m a mouse. I jump up and flap my little arms in order to fly. I gain altitude slowly...up and over a wall that leads directly into someone’s backyard. I scurry into the basement with my other mouse friends. We’re all still very scared and afraid for our lives...

“We need a place to hide!”

Alarm goes off a few minutes before 11 a.m. but I find myself waking up thirty minutes after. My head is heavy and I feel gross. I’m late for work.

All day shift at China Wok.

Banana.

Driving down Old Virginia Beach Road to deliver an order on Piper’s Crescent. I spot two teenagers; a girl and a boy, sitting peacefully in the shade of trees and honey suckle bushes. They appear to be in love and upon passing them a second time I see the boy draw closer into the girl’s space. Just behind them is the hustle and bustle of the interstate, which doesn’t seem to bother their romantic moment. I wish I could film this.

Super Sonic Breakfast Burrito (Egg, Cheese, Jalapenos, Tomatoes, and Tater Tots). Orange Juice.

Delivering an order to the military housing near Birdneck and General Booth. Two young adult black girls answer the door. One of them has on a Power Rangers sweatshirt.

Me: “I like your shirt.”

Her: “Thanks.”

Her friend asks me, “So how’s the workin’ life?

Me: “Well...you smell like Chinese food all day.”

Her: “I work at McDonalds so I smell like Big Macs and fries all day.”

Me: “I guess that’s worse. I don’t know.”

Down at the oceanfront there’s a hovering mist in the air covering most of the tall buildings...a sunny haze.

Peanut Butter Bagel. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

Steady driving...

Delivering an order to The Cavalier hotel, the new one. The cute girl clerk informs me the hotel is empty meaning not one room is occupied.

“Wow. That’s crazy. I didn’t think that happened.”

Settling down back at home with dinner...

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.

Finishing Incendiary (2008).

My fortune cookie: “Welcome change.”

Doing some chores and doing the dishes.

I drop off some patio chairs to Margot’s place. She had me keep them in my car earlier today. Her ear is still hurting and she seems to be stressed out about our situation. I don’t stay long but when I leave she texts me...

Her: “Hey I’m really frustrated about our situation. I’d like to not talk or see you until my party. Thanks for bringing over my chairs.”

Me: “why? what are you trying to accomplish?”

Her: “Just space to figure some things out.”

Me: “okay.”

Her: “You should figure out some things too.”

Me: “okay.”

I’m starting to experience the beginning of that dreadful unwanted distant feeling. In this case distance does not make the heart grow fonder. I fear it will do the opposite. I’ve hit my fondest with her...many times before. This could be a good thing. But my mind wanders with ugly scenes and disturbing images of Margot, my queen, my kitty, opening up to another...eating up the flattery of some undeserving prick of a man that only sees candy. It’s too early to be dwelling on these things. But I’ll have to face these possibilities soon...maybe.

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

[i] Sunny Haze. Image by me.

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