[i]
☼ ○ ▬
Attending a funeral of a girl I only recently met. I don’t
even know her name. The story is suicide. Apparently she choked herself with a
piece of string or maybe just her hands. No one can figure out why. She was
such a sweet person. I’m not really involved in the service but stay off to the
side. I run into Ashley Vigneault, an old friend and romance of mine from back
in the day. We hop into a car. She drives. We catch up on the missed years and
experiences. She hints at some trouble in a current relationship of hers after
I ask how that’s going but assures me that she enjoys sex now.
Me: “Oh. I’m not interested in sex. I just need a friend
again.”
▬ ○ ☼ ○ ▬
I’m in my old bedroom at my parent’s former town house in Ocean
Lakes. Lying on the bottom half of the bunk bed with Margot about to take a
math test – other students sit at their respective desks in the room. The math
teacher hands out the papers. Everyone is focused and reserved – the whole room
is dead quiet. But not Margot. She starts bitching and complaining out loud on
not being warned about the test.
Her: “This is bullshit!”
I try to calm her down, “Margot, shhhhh. Quit being loud.”
I can see that the teacher is annoyed with her outbursts,
“Margot, The teacher has a short fuse too.”
But Margot persists...making sure the whole class knows of
her troubles and opinions.
I whisper strongly into her left ear, “Stop it. Be quiet.
Do what I say.”
▬ ○ ☼
Getting out of bed around noon.
Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, and Coconut
Milk. OJ.
“There’s definitely definitely definitely no logic to
human behavior...”
Last night we tried to get Becca out to the party but she
said she was having a bad night...
[Text message]
Becca: “I’m sorry I missed out, was having a rough night and
it took what little energy I had, I was way too tired. As soon as I got home I
went straight to bed and slept right away.”
Me: “its okay. nobody holds it against you. rough nights can
do a number on you. oh and I had a realization last night while I was in bed...
Me: “we should be better friends...like, we make sense and
have a shared ethos. as two human beings we could benefit greatly from each
other.”
Becca: “Yes Robert, we work.”
Grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s.
I was referred to this article online that was a
commencement speech. Reading through it I find a chord is struck here...
“The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and
you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take
to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being
evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out
the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to
appreciate the value of silence.”
Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Tortilla Chips with Fresh
Guacamole. Honey Oolong Tea.
I feel unresolved and defeated. No word from Margot. I try
to call. No answer. I decide to stop by unannounced before I hit the gym. She
was napping in her fuzzy white bathrobe.
Me: “Sorry I felt unresolved and sad. And you didn’t answer
your phone.”
Even though she’s unprepared I start on my soapbox – and
vying for an apology...
Me: “I shouldn’t have to beg for an apology. How can you sit
there and still feel justified to behave the way you did last night?”
...
Me: “You had no empathy last night. You could’ve comforted
me instead of getting angry. It’s like you don’t have the capability to put
yourself in my shoes. I can do that with you. I’ve done it before.”
...
I touch on another deeper subject of the relationship...
Me: “I don’t feel like you appreciate my music. Why can’t I
just pull out the guitar and be like, hey let me show you this song I’m
working on. I feel like I can’t do that. I want support. I know you’re not
an artist of any kind and I don’t expect you to be. But I just want some kind
of support and interest in what I do best...in the gift I’ve been given.”
...
Me: “You idolize perfect physical physique. I feel like you
don’t appreciate my brain, like it’s annoying to you when I analyze things. I
mean what do I have that you like exactly? Tell me.”
It’s mostly me rambling on and less of her responding.
Me: “And are you really bored with me?”
It’s true. There’s a blatant lull in the relationship on her
end...a lack of zest and energy. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t show love and care
cause she does. She desires companionship. And I provide that.
Her: “I’m afraid the reason for me feeling disconnected is
that I shouldn’t be with you. I think about the what if’s. What if you’re not
the one I’m supposed to be with? I’m afraid I’m going to lose my best friend
though. I’m worried I won’t find someone who cares about me as much as you do.”
Me: “You may or may not.”
...
Before I head out she invites me to sit down next to her and
we hold each other.
Her: “I love you so much.”
Me “I know.”
Feeling internally more collected now. I work out at the
clubhouse across the way – running and weight lifting.
Barbecue Salmon with Mushrooms, Broccoli, Kale, Carrots, and
Rice. Land Shark Beer.
To Margot’s. Whipped cream, blackberries, grapes, and white
wine for us to indulge in.
“Whip Cream Party!”
...
Me: “Isn’t it kind of redundant to eat grapes and drink wine?”
...
She tells me about her school experience today of arriving
to class and finding out they were supposed to be taking a test. She had no
idea. This is strange because I had a dream where that exact thing happened.
...
It’s enjoyable just sitting here on the couch with her and
the television off.
Me: “This is what its going to be like when we’re
married...after we get off work we sit here with glasses of wine discussing the
past and the future...talking about cars and kids.”
...
Sex in the bedroom...but on a chair.
Me: “This is my favorite position...you right here...in a
perfect pose.”
I could orgasm instantly right from the start if I wanted to
but I hold off for the experience.
...
To sleep around 3 a.m.
[i] In this
spore. Moss graffiti. Anna Garforth.
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