Friday June 22 2012

[i]

☼ ○ ▬

My dreams blur into one another...from befriending inmates in solitary confinement, to drawing with markers at a concert, and then to a scene with Kristin sitting in a 20-year old car that’s solidly yellow, understood to belong to her. I approach her with concerns and try to explain my feelings and my perspective. She loses interest towards the end right when I’m about to express something pivotal and cranks up music on the stereo. I’m frustrated.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at noon.

Banana. Orange Juice.

According to www.dreammoods.com the color yellow has a few meanings, one of them representing cowardice and also, “You have a fear or an inability to make a decision or to take action. Your desire to please others is at the risk of sacrificing your own needs and happiness.”

God, how true is that of me. How many times have I tried to please others over what’s best for me?

Having another semi-disheartening text conversation with Kristin. I really don’t know what to think anymore about her or what I feel. She’s been trying to block me out this week. It’s possible we don’t mesh in any sort of romantic relationship, at least not now for me and my life. Either way, I’ve made this special mix CD with printed lyrics and all. I just want to see her and hang out. I invite her to see that new Wes Anderson film, Moonrise Kingdom.

There’s more to this than the following but this is how it concludes...

Her: “You trying to win my affection back so you can squash it again?”

Me: “I just simply want to see you. and talk with you. this whole text communication is missing something.”

Her: “I allowed you to have a part of my heart. I chose that. And I can choose to take it away too. You just think your cute face will solve everything.”

Me: “sometimes seeing each other’s faces does help...seeing the frail human heart behind them.”

Her: “Ughhhh. I’ll go to the movie with you.”

Me: “Yes!!! finally!! my life is grand now.”

Her: “I don’t know why I am but whatever.”

Me: “yea...whatever.”

Her: “Don’t even”

...

Her: “Are you satisfied now that I gave in to your mind games!!! ??? Hmmmm”

Me: “I’m laughing maniacally at my computer desk.”

Her: “Is my gift a bullet to the face”

Me: “you wish your life was a horror film.”

I can’t get enough of what this song has to offer...

“I'm not your nervous feeling
Each time we say goodnight
You picture buildings burning to the ground
From the basement to the streetlight
I'm not your drinking problem
A hole is in the sky
It's not your heart that you've been thinkin of
Just the feeling like you're gonna die

All you know how to do is
Shake shake
Keep your body still, keep your body still
All you do is
Shake shake shake
Keep your body still, keep your body still

I'm not your paranoia
When someone's at the door
Virgin fires calling out the throat
of a body rising through the floor
I'm not your fortune teller
I'm not your spinning bed
I'm never like you
Uncomfortable too
This is starting to fuck with my head

All you know how to do is
Shake shake
Keep your body still, keep your body still
All you do is
Shake shake shake
Keep your body still, keep your body still

Don't you realize you're fine
Oh can't you see that you're fine
And know that you're still alive
You know that you're still alive
Oh don't you know you're alive
Don't you know you're alive
Burning in the sky”

Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato on Pita Bread. Tortilla Chips with Fresh Guacamole. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

Watching a documentary on absinthe.

Stretching and exercising downstairs to music.

Catching up on some writing.

Heading out to Norfolk to hang out with Kristin. It’s raining and dreary. I feel like this happens often whenever I drive to Norfolk. I meet in her apartment. I give her the mix CD, to which I used a black DVD casing and painted white stripes diagonally along the front. Inside is the CD with a booklet of lyrics for the songs along with a letter attached...

“I know you want to just drop this and run. I actually admire your tactic. Sometimes I wish I had enough guts to run away from things. I probably could have saved myself from many webs in the past. But my human behavior is different and it’s in my nature to be sentimental, sometimes too much for my own good and sometimes enough for other people’s good. Either way this is important to me. I carefully picked out these songs for you – most of them have direct relevance, some are subtle, and some I just thought you might like. I’ve provided lyrics for them (minus two, only because I could not find them or comprehend them in their entirety) to enhance your enjoyment. It’s possible you may find some answers, reactions, or application in their poetry.

- - -

You foresee unhappiness and dissatisfaction (red flags). I do too. And it’s such a shame. Cause after this brief time getting to know you I’ve discovered how attractive your intensity is. You present yourself as a novelty to be desired and wanted. I like that. I like you. I think you are a beautiful person and have a lot to give people. You sparked my interest for a reason. I do believe there was an ultimate purpose in our affairs. I know I have been unworthy and am wrapped up in my life. I have so many dreams and visions I want to see come true. Being in love is one of them. It’s true I am uncertain when the right time is for me to become a love slave. But how does true love behave? I believe the answer to that has been the thorn at our side. We both have different shadows and history. We’re both very complex creatures. I’m not going to fight for something you know in your heart is not good for you, if that is the case. It’s possible we might not be appropriate for each other as lovers. But the contrary is also possible. If you need to runaway then I’ll understand. I know male friendship isn’t in your cards, as you’ve explained before, but if you should choose to be done with this consider keeping me a part of your life somehow. I have a lot to offer...”

She appreciates the gift. We engage in a very cool headed touch-up conversation sorting, expressing, and communicating our point of views on the limbo we’re in. The lightening and thunder provides an appropriate backdrop – the bedroom windows sometimes flashing in sync with the rhythm of our words. I feel more understood now. We head off to The Naro and catch the 9:15 showing of Moonrise Kingdom (2012). Wes Anderson delivers his best as usual.

Snacking on Popcorn and Soda.

[ii]

Back at her place we eat food. I brought over some of the guacamole to share and eat my leftovers: Garlic Barbecue Mahi-mahi with Green Peppers, Onions, Mushrooms, and Rice. 

...

In her room we put the CD on in the background – listening and letting it lull the mood – sometimes encountering realizations – sometimes having romantic moments. The deeper we dig the more apparent it becomes that we might not match up to each other’s needs, even though there’s an obvious spark and brightness to our relationship. As has been stated before she latches on tightly to people she’s involved with – she deeply roots herself to others emotionally – human connection is priority – she needs her man to be her support system in everything. All of these ideals are respectable, however I’m grown to be more independent and autonomous. That’s the only thing that is conflicting here.

...

It’s after 1:30 a.m. I head back to my house at the beach.

Margot’s been hitting me up through text, pushing to spend the night with me after she gets off work, which is going to be super late. As usual I’m apprehensive. I don’t like the idea of her slipping back in my life. I won’t allow that. But she insists this isn’t a booty call and that she just wants to sleep next to me. I mean, what the hell? Why not? I leave the door unlocked and drift off to sleep. She arrives closer to 4 a.m. and joins me in bed.

---

[i] Hibiscus Flower. Image Source unknown.

[ii] Image by me.