[i]
☼ ○ ▬
A genius scientist with mad tendencies has discovered a new
element that could change the world on some biblical level but he’s hiding a
secret about it. He conducts these live TV shows from his home in this special
glass encased room with futuristic furniture. I’ve taken on the role of his
wife. My motive is to reveal his secret because I feel he’s selfishly holding
back from talking about it, maybe to protect the people and prevent chaos
erupting all across the world. But something tells me this information needs to
get out. He leaves the room. I attempt to hack into the TV’s input settings and
upload a video where he’s telling the truth about everything. I’m struggling
but eventually get it playing, but only for a minute cause he returns angry and
frantic.
▬ ○ ☼
Waking up around 1 p.m.
Apricots. Figs. Orange Juice.
[Text message with Kristin]
Her: “Do me a favor. Do some thinking for the next couple
days about me. And really figure out what you feel in your heart and mind and
get back to me. I want to know whats up. And what path you’re trying to take.
Ok. No cream puff bullshit. We are both adults. I think we need to be honest
straight forward with each other. Face to face once and for all.”
Me: “once and for all? really? its not that dramatic. I
haven’t once been dishonest with you about my feelings.”
Her: “You speak in metaphors and scenarios lets stop beating
around the bush. I’m not asking for much.”
Me: “the direction of my path I’ve made clear. my life isn’t
conducive to stabilize a dating relationship with you or anyone. we’ve talked
about this. but I still hold you in an exclusive special place that we’ve
created Kristin.”
Her: “You sure do give me some beautiful mixed signals in
your actions. Let me make things clear. I like you. I have fun with you. I
would date you. But you are not on the same page and I’m not kidding myself
into the idea that we can be only friends.”
Me: “I like you too very much. and I think we have fun too.
I would date you too. I’m just not in a place where I’m prepared for it nor
feel like I can give it my all...which is what you deserve.”
Her: “So what do you want? Out of this? Out of me?”
Me: “I want to give you as much as I can give. we are really
close and I don’t think we can stray from that. how am I supposed to categorize
a non-dating relationship? there are degrees in everything. intimate friends
that are lovers sometimes? I don’t know. it felt natural to engage with you
like that last night. but I don’t require that from you either. like I said I
didn’t plan on doing that.”
Her: “Mm. yeah. I really see that explanation of a
connection you just gave ending in a disastrous mess. I’ve been there. And I
don’t do well. But if that is what you want then I can’t change your mind.”
Me: “if I was ready for an exciting dating relationship with
you I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt. but I know I’m not...not with
anyone.”
Her: “Well that’s that then. Bam.”
Me: “this isn’t news. we’ve had this conversation before.”
Her: “I think, and I may be jumping the gun here, but it is
safe to say we should cease this path. I think we should be free to see other
people.”
Me: “I kind of thought that was already the case when you
stopped talking with me and deleted me and ripped up my gift.”
Her: “That was a desperate act to make myself get over the
inevitable truth. I like you too much to be just your friend bc I want to be
your lover. I will be settling for something I will never have in full :( I am
not one to impose. I respect your wants.”
Me: “I respect that kristin. this whole thing is tender and
delicate.”
Her: “Yes, yes it is. I bruise easily but can def take a
fall. So I’ll be ok. Ok so where do you want to go from here?”
Me: “I don’t know how to answer that.”
...
Me: “Kristin, please know that I feel your heart beating.”
Her: “I don’t think I can feel yours.”
Me: “trust me. it beats...sometimes rapidly.”
Her: “I don’t believe in wanting cake and eating it too.
This isn’t a frivolous game of chess. This is my life. I take it seriously. I
feel a little out of sorts and I’m confused. Maybe we can talk about this
another time or just let it be for now. My heart is in my throat.”
Me: “I love your personality and your heart. this definitely
isn’t a frivolous chess game. id like to see you another time soon.”
Her: “I can’t agree to that. I don’t know what the future
holds.”
Chic Pea Avocado Quinoa with Tomatoes. Honey Oolong Tea.
House chores. A little makeshift landscaping.
Then, heading over to Devon’s house where her and Darren
have planned a pool party/cookout. James Graves, Kevin, and Tara are also
present.
Eating Kababs, Black Bean Salad, and Mac n Cheese.
Good times in the pool. Cannonballs, Belly flops, squirt
guns, and chicken fights.
Back home. The rest of the crew goes to Skybar at the
oceanfront.
I’m trying to avoid an emotional dependency on someone.
Steamed Broccoli and Carrots with Rice. Coconut Water.
Watching Meet Joe Black (1998).
Darren, Devon, James, and Tara return from the oceanfront
outing all drunked out. Tara slips into my room to sleep for a few hours
because she has to work super early and of course is in no way coherent enough
to drive. I take on the role of a caretaker, hydrating her with water and
feeding her an apricot. We had sex once before so I didn’t feel opposed to the
idea of it happening again. I ask, “Are you feeling horny?”
She replies, “Yeah. I am.”
I take over from there and fuel the sexual fire with
friction between our bodies. It progresses into a lengthy sex scene that’s
anything but lacking. I finish and we lie down out of breath.
Me: “Well that was fun...once again.”
She chuckles and agrees, “Yeah it was.”
...
Her: “Remember that question you asked me last time?”
Me: “What? I don’t remember.”
Her: “What do you want from me?”
Me: “Oh yeah. Right. I don’t know. I’m just following my
instincts.”
...
She drifts off to sleep but I’m still awake. I watch a
little bit of a movie and snack on Chocolate Chip Cookies.
It’s probably a good time to do some reflecting now. Tara is
a different breed than I’m used to. She’s reserved but open to suggestion. I
really can’t pin point what exactly it is that I want from her. It’s more
likely that I’m just looking for a good time and someone to release sexual
steam with. Things between her and I don’t happen because they need to but more
so because they want to. Lest I forgot, which I haven’t, I was with Kristin
last night and it was an intense scene as well. I definitely feel more
connected and sense more of a potential with her that is if I was ready to
settle down. This is a time of freedom and experimentation for me. I should
come to terms with that and make sure to be honest with everyone involved when
the topic arises.
Sleep 4 a.m.
[i] Robert
McGinnis.
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