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“...relationships can’t live by just one’s fire...”
This is the beginning of a letter Aysena wrote to me through her notepad app. She composed it and then took 6 different screenshots to send me. She felt I deserved an explanation on what she’s been feeling. It was hard for L-O-V-E to develop in our relationship. It’s true we had genuine feelings towards each other. When we first met last summer I was all open-armed and dived right into her cryptic ocean not knowing anything about the geography. I didn’t care about the pace. I had an opportunity for something unique and new so I took it. And she was pure. I felt pure with her. And during our winter months apart we stayed connected.
“...you left best memories that saved my feelings to you...”
And then I went to Russia. And we unearthed something we had buried for 6 months. But it was convoluted and confusing. We tried to fulfill expectations that had changed. Granted it was wonderful to see one another and experience adventures by each other’s side. But she felt something was missing.
“If we face to our future, I can’t say anything. I’m sorry. This is what I feel.”
The posting of last year’s blog entries have thrown a wrench into the machine too. She’s making judgments about my relationship with Margot from last year. It’s not fair that my dealings with long gone romances affect my current romances. That’s not how it should work. You should receive a clean slate, a fresh start. I guess there’s more to it than solely that but she seems pretty clear about halting what is happening between us. It makes me nervous. I’m stronger than I’d like to admit. And obviously long distance relationships are extremely difficult to maintain. And for me it makes more sense to be realistic and stick with my surroundings here in Virginia Beach, at least for now. But there’s something special about Aysena. I hope it’s not truly over. We’ll see.
It’s 1:36 p.m. I’ve been reclining in my bed reading and communicating with Ays for the past hour and a half. It’s time to get up and face the day.
Banana. Dried Apricots. Jasmine Tea.
I drop my car off at the shop on 17th for an oil change. While waiting I sit on a bench along the boardwalk and read Mats Jonsson’s graphic novel, Hey Princess. It’s a little bit windy but the smell of the nearby ocean is refreshing. I spot a couple leaning against the banister kissing. Virginia Beach is for lovers.
Back home.
Grilled Cheese Sandwich with Tomato and Hummus. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Lemon Water.
Watching Hick (2011).
I would’ve never thought in my generation that we’d be seeing human colonization on Mars. But it might actually be happening, thanks to the Dutch...
I spend most of my evening in my room organizing photos, digging through old songs I wrote, and exercising.
Shrimp Gyoza, String Beans, and a Spring Roll.
Watching Safe (2012).
Apple Pie. Coconut Water.
Sleep 4ish a.m.
[i] Image by me.
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