[i]
Waking up at 12:30 p.m.
Corn, Flax, Quinoa Cereal, and Cinnamon Oat Clusters with Almond Milk.
Errands.
Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Popped Potato Chips. Black Tea with Honey.
We're having SHOW N TELL down at the oceanfront at a fairly new coffee shop called Zeke's. It's not a huge turnout, a humble crowd of maybe 15 to 20 people – I think not having SHOW N TELL's at the house kind of deters people – the house provides such an intimate and warm atmosphere and the reputation of SHOW N TELL was founded at the house. Despite, the few committed who do come present some stellar and interesting performances. One guy totes a baby facemask and pumps out experimental lo-fi dance music out of mini-synthesizers that resemble tuners. We can always count on Wolf Dancer to bring his circuit-bent toy keytar. Ana and I perform a few of our regular bluegrass folk covers but she also does a solo performance on the electric guitar serenading all of us with haunting melodies similar to the likes of Roy Orbison.
Back at the house finishing off a Poke Bowl I got from Zeke's, a Hawaiian-style Sushi bowl with Tuna and various vegetables and seasonings. Darren, Jes, and Ana brought back wine, beer, and snacks to share. Darren shares some of his crazy Craigslist sex stories. Ana and I make the peanut butter honey almond granola bars in the kitchen. After that I feel kind of turned off by all the loud socializing and Darren's sarcastic comments like, "I've never had sex before," "I've never listened to music before," and "I've never eaten anything before."
...
Eventually, Ana ends up in my room. I sense something is wrong but she always closes up when something's wrong. We kind of move on from this topic for a while. At some point I'm lying down next to her and attempt to caress the top of her head. She says that she prefer I not do that. I casually remove myself from the bed and express my feelings of defeat and annoyance. I go on a rant, nothing too overwhelming, just enough to explain my observations about the wall she keeps built between us when it comes to truly personal stuff.
...
Now she's standing there by the bookshelf (her corner) with tears billowing up and falling gracefully down her face. It's something personal that doesn't necessarily involve me but affects the relationship and how she views herself.
Finally, cuddled up under the covers together – trying to stay warm – I attempt to rub off the goose bumps accumulated on her arms and legs. I sense that she's yearning for sex but I'm afraid I don't have the energy she's hoping for. Despite, I pleasure her without getting naked – I just focus on her feelings of ecstasy. It bothers me that I can't get a boner in this heated moment. I really don't know why. I guess my sex drive gets muddled when there are deeper things going on inside her. It truly affects me in a way that turns me off to anything of a sexual nature. I want her to feel confident – it's her confidence that attracts me.
[Some Facebook message from her that will be sent the next day:
"My thoughts have scattered, and I know late at night in your bed I tend to allow my mind to wander into ideas that shouldn't be taking our time.
You were right about holding things in. How holding them in can make me feel sick and eventually affect our relationship in a negative way.
It hurts me inside. Like this sinking in my chest that burns brings a shiver of nervousness all throughout my body that causes me to cave in and block you from any physical affection that you try to give like when you were laying next to me touching my hair.
I just want to be loved just as much as you do. I want to be showered with physical affection just as much as you do. And I want to be told more that I am loved (verbally). But I understand it's not a word you probably don't want to say too much.
I really appreciate you always giving me so much patience and always telling me the whole complete truth. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you whatsoever. I know it's silly, but I think you are perfect just the way you are with everything that you do. I know you deserve to be treated the best because it is all that you deserve.
I assure you that there is nothing wrong with you. At all. I enjoy that you tell me everything. I like that you don't just give up and leave like I do. I admire that in you, and it makes me respect you.
I also want to assure you that I do love you. I love you with all of my heart. I'm sorry that I lack the ability to say it in a poetic way.
And I want to be able to go back onto this spiritual path that I had for myself.
And thank you for always giving and caring."]
[i] Images by me.
No comments:
Post a Comment