[i]
Waking up at 12:47 p.m.
Wheat Flakes and Berry Cobbler Granola with Almond Milk. Tangelo.
General chores – vacuuming the living room, stairs, and hallway.
Peanut Butter Bagel. Baked Salt n Vinegar Chips. Sparkling Clementine Izze.
Meeting up at The Naro for the 7 p.m. showing of Under the Skin (2014). Sitting with Ana, Ken, Leisa, and Andre. I'll quote a review I read online: "visually stunning and deeply disturbing: very freaky, very scary and very erotic." When we were finally greeted by the credits I figured it was time to breathe – I didn't even realize I had been holding my breath the whole time (or at least it seemed I was). It also had the kind of haunting soundtrack that sticks in your head long after you leave the theater.
Afterwards, we stop by The Cure coffee shop to say hi to James Graves who's working a shift.
"I feel like I haven't seen you in a long time," I say to James.
Ana chimes in, "I agree."
James: "You agree that Robert hasn't seen me in a long time?"
[insert laughter]
...
Then to Tortilla West for dinner. Three Black Bean Tacos and a side of Garlic Sautéed Spinach. I notice a slight rudeness from Ana while we were dining. She did mention she barely ate anything today besides a cookie and a couple espressos. When driving her back to her car we get the chance to reflect. I park in a lot near Colley Avenue...
Ana: "Well I know that it's partly lack of sleep because lack of sleep makes you grumpy and just not think correctly – I just know that not having any sleep is bad for you."
Me: "Yeah of course. That's true. So...what else? You have other insights?"
Ana: "I just feel like the more we hang out the more I don't think that we should be together. I think that you could find somebody more suitable for you."
She tends to have these kinds of thoughts when under stress so I don't take these statements seriously – only half seriously.
Me: "Oh c'mon. Really? You're gonna say this to me right now?"
...
Ana: "Maybe it's just me adjusting to you."
Me: "I think you're all over the place right now."
As the rain falls on top of the car tapping on the windshield in a hypnotic rhythm, it feels like a scene from the movie we just watched – hideously beautiful. I stare at her face where the reflection of the rain droplets appears creating a mask.
Me: "Is the rain too loud?"
Ana: "No I like the sound of rain as long as I'm not in it. It's kind of relaxing."
...
Ana: "I feel like the only reason you care about me is because we spend time together and stuff."
Me: "How do you think love works? That's how it works – you spend time with somebody and you develop affections for them and you care for them. It's about getting to know each other."
Ana: "I can't even – I can't even think – I wanna go to sleep."
Me: "Yeah you're just delirious."
...
Me: "I think you're just afraid. You saying, I don't think we should be together – that's something someone would say when they're afraid. And I don't know why you're afraid."
Ana: "I'm just afraid what I did to someone, you're gonna do to me – I just left them."
Me: "So you're afraid of me leaving you."
Ana: "I've never been left before. I'm the one who left before."
Me: "Alright. I'll make a deal with you: I will never choose to leave you. Only you can choose to leave me."
Ana: "That's horrible. That is a horrible deal!"
Me: "That way you're secure – you don't have to be afraid of me leaving you."
I chuckle.
Ana: "That's so silly. Because it's not [secure] It doesn't matter what anyone says. I always feel like everything changes."
Me: "Yeah. Everything is seasonal. You think that's true?"
...
After some lighthearted philosophical talk about relationships and the movie I ask outright, "Would you be interested in kissing me right now?"
She just laughs. And then we kiss with a fresh romantic energy.
Ana: "I think I know why I don't feel close to you."
Me: "Why? Because you don't kiss me enough?"
Later, back home. Sipping on Tea and Orange Juice.
Sleep 4 a.m.
[i] Images by me.
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