[i]
Waking up at 1 p.m.
Honey Crunch n Oats with Almond Milk.
Downstairs, I decide to clear out a space for all the brown paper bags we keep the recycle in. They're taking up a significant area in the dining room. I brought this little wooden shelf and bracket set from the thrift store a while back. I install it on the kitchen wall and use it to hold the toaster oven and toaster. "Toast Central" Tristan and I call it.
Me: "It's all about ergonomics, Tristan. Efficiency. Conserving Space."
[ii]
Watermelon. Scrambled Eggs. Wheat Toast with Vegan Cream Cheese. Honey Green Tea.
At the Rec Center playing a few basketball pick-up games and working out. Ana's offended I didn't wait to ride together with her.
Back home.
Dinner: Black Beans, Broccoli, Onions, and Brown Rice. Sharing with Ana of course.
A lot of good social stimuli tonight with James, Tristan, Josh, and Allison around. It's Movie Monday and tonight's choice (democratically chosen) is Blue Ruin (2014), a low budget understated revenge thriller. Sharing Chocolate Rum Balls and Popcorn. Sophie cuddles up in a cave of blankets by the TV.
Kevin arrives home from work and...
Ana had some thoughts she wanted to share so I encourage us to go on a walk. I know if we can just get outside away from the constrained space in the house and feel the fresh summer night air then maybe that will calm the internal waters.
...
Ana: "Sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to tell anything to. And I don't wanna bother you about anything. And it's just the same thing over and over again.
Me: "Why don't you just tell me the things you wanna tell me?"
Ana: "I don't know. I just feel like you're so judgmental about things. It doesn't really help."
Me: "I'm understanding. I mean I immediately point out inconsistencies because that's just the way I am. That's how I view the world. You see it as being judgmental. I don't judge you."
Ana: "I just wanna be with someone I can say anything to and I feel like I can't do that with you."
Me: "Yeah but you don't try. You hold back all the time. It's your fear that holds you back."
A sound of flatulence interrupts the sound of our words and footsteps.
Me: "Sorry. I farted."
We both laugh.
Me: "I had beans and eggs today okay!"
Ana: "It's okay. And you had broccoli."
...
Ana: "Lately I've been realizing that I could picture my life without you in it and I feel like there's something wrong with that."
Me: "Why is there something wrong with that? That's a good thing. When you have a relationship with somebody it's not because it's necessary. It's an added enjoyment in both person's lives. Cause I think of it the same way. Yeah sure I could be single. I could be alone. Yeah it'd be fine. But the relationship we have is both edifying for each other – it's about supporting each other."
Ana: "Sometimes I feel like it might be better if I concentrate on other things and you do too."
Me: "Do you feel like you're an inconvenience in my life?"
Ana: "I just don't wanna feel stressed out. I feel like I try too hard to come see you. I don't wanna be too much into your life. I feel like I'm in it too much."
...
Ana: "Like I really honestly feel like you and I shouldn't be in a relationship. I really feel that way. What's the point? I don't know. This is not the kind of relationship that I want—"
I run right into a spider web.
Disgusted I say, "I knew this was going to happen."
Ana: "Huh?"
Me: "A spider web!"
We change our walking direction. The sound of crickets and the interstate construction crew still audible in the near distance. That beep sound goes off every now and then, the sound Ana reminds her of a video game.
Me: "Alright what were you saying?"
Ana: "I think that you're better off and I’m better off."
Me: "Well let me just say being with you keeps me grounded and I feel secure. I need to be grounded so I can focus on other things in my life. Yeah I can be independent. I was raised that way."
Ana: "I like to be independent too. I still would like to know I can lean my shoulder on someone."
Me: "Yeah! Why can't you do that?"
Ana: "And I can't do that with you!"
Me: "Why? I don't understand! I don't give you any reason to...not trust me...you know to tell me things."
She brings up the blog problem from the other day when I posted some personal thoughts about how I was attracted to a stranger from last year.
Ana: "Yes I'm attracted to other people but I don't think that way! I don’t fantasize about other people.
Me: "You have to understand. You and I are not the same. Males have different sensibilities than females."
Ana: "I just expected more of you."
Me: "Like I said the other day. You're not allowed to judge my thoughts. Think about it this way...if I didn't have a blog at all and you never read anything about my life and all you had was these moments here and our memories, would you look at me differently? Would you look at the relationship differently?"
Ana: "Yeah."
At this point she starts to sound nervous and it comes out in her shaky voice.
Ana: "It just really hurt me. I know it's something really small but I'm not gonna pretend like it doesn't hurt me. I understand this is your point of view and it's just your thoughts. You shouldn't be sorry for what you think and I'm not gonna be sorry for what I think."
Me: "Well then I should just be sorry for exposing those thoughts. And think about this though you're being affected by this a year from the actual thing. It's out of context. You're reading something that happened a year ago. And in that time frame you and I weren't technically dating just yet. So I felt a little more free to write about that kinda thing. That's part of the rules of the blog project. I'm writing about everything, things that come up. I have to be honest about it. At the same time you're looking at it out of context. You're hurt by something that has no relevance to now! That's not fair. That's my perspective. It's insignificant. Do you not agree?"
Reluctantly she agrees.
Me: "You're letting this little thing affect you such a big way. It's like a cancer. Once you're aware of it, it just spreads. I don't like that."
...
Ana: "I just remember having a really good feeling about you."
Me: "You don't have that good feeling anymore."
Ana: "Sometimes I do. But there's certain things I'm not happy with."
Me: "But in any relationship there's gonna be certain things you're not happy with."
Ana: "I just wanna feel close!"
Me: "Okay well I'm supposed to be your dream guy. Why can't you be close to your dream guy?" [she has stated in the past that she used to see me as her dream guy]
...
Me: "I think that you should not make any rash decisions and search your heart and decide what's most important. Cause you know what they say..." Then start in my singing voice, "You don't know what you got till it's gone."
I reach my arm around her and say, "By the way I think you're really pretty. Did you know that? That I find you attractive?"
Ana: "Sometimes."
Me: "What do you mean sometimes? It's obvious."
...
Me: "I like you. I like everything that you like...everything that you're into. I like your view of the world. I like your perspective. I like your sensibilities."
The mosquitoes keep eating her legs up but not mine.
Me: "It's from all those sweets you keep eating – they like that sweet meat."
Back inside the house. She lies in the bed and recaps, "I'm glad we walked and talked."
Me: "Me too."
Sleep at some late hour.
[i] Blue Ruin image.
[ii] Images by me.
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