Tuesday July 1 2014

[i]

Waking up around 1 p.m.

I walk downstairs to grab a cereal bowl. Kevin hears me from the living room and says, "Hey Robert. Guess what day it is?"

"The day your asshole was born," I reply.

It's his birthday and we had a similar conversation last year on this day.

Kevin: "Yeah well also some new laws go into effect. You have to give a bicyclist at least 3 feet of room when you pass them."

Bran Flakes and Berry Cobbler Granola with Vanilla Almond Milk.

Ana left me a little handwritten letter she must've wrote before she went to work.

"I didn't really get a chance to talk with you last night before bed. That's why I was asking when you would be in bed. I'll admit, I estimated the time it took for you to get into bed. It was about an hour. That moment when you told me to remember that you love me made me feel like you wanted to comfort me with your words. It made me tear up because I've been feeling very emotional lately. I know I've been stubborn and easily irritated a lot lately." Some other things are said but at the end she says, "I love you Robert. And I want to thank you for everything that you do for me and the kindness and patience you give."

Watching Single White Female (1992).

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. Ancient Grains Crackers. Watermelon. Izze Sparkling Grapefruit Soda.

At the Rec Center for adult basketball. So-so game play.

Spinach, Chard, and Kale Salad with Tomatoes and Carrots. Pizza.

I drive Ken, Ana, and Kevin over to Stephanie's mom's house on Eden Way. Her and Leisa are having a going away party on the pier. They've got blankets and candles set out. Just a few other people are present. Ana and I brought Strong Bow Ciders, which in my opinion don't compare to Crispins. When discussing his disapproval for the movies we watch on Movie Monday Kevin admits to having a short attention span.

Back at the house. I try to instigate a talk with Ana. Lately, she's been more emotional and sensitive than usual. I woke up this morning to a nice little letter from her and wanted to discuss what's been on her mind lately.

...

Me: "I need the space in between. Think of it like this. When you're writing...you write a sentence and you've got words in those sentences and if all those words are just connected and there's no spaces in between those words. You can't understand it. Its just gibberish. It has no meaning and you don't know what it is. You have to have space in between the words. For me that's what space is."

...

Ana: "There's a lot of things that you do that I like doing with you. I just feel like I'm not as good as I would like to be or as I feel like you expect me to be."

Me: "Yeah but you don't have to be good at these things."

Ana: "No, but these are things that I want to be good at too!"

Me: "Okay, well it takes time, Ana. You can't be super woman! You can't be good at absolutely everything."

Ana: "I know. And it upsets me that I can't be cause I want to!"

[shared giggles]

Me: "You're not gonna be good at anything if you have that mindset."

...

Me: "You just need to balance your life out. Don't overwork yourself."

...

Ana: "Sometimes I just wanna understand..."

Me: "The relationship?"

Ana: "Like, why..."

Me: "Why are we together? Why. Why. Why do you wanna know the why all the time? Sometimes there isn't a why, Ana. You can't always have a why!"

Ana: "I just don't wanna feel like a filler person."

Me: "We're not meant to be fillers. We're meant to edify each other. You have relationships with people because you're there to edify each other, to build each other up. Iron sharpening iron. That's what the human race is all about, sharpening each other, right? That's your why! That is the why that you seek."

There's a long pause after this statement. I walk over to embrace her by the bedroom door. I can feel how necessary this was.

I'm itching to get on my bike and ride. After Ana leaves that's exactly what I do for 7 or 8 miles down at the oceanfront. Riding all my worries and troubles away.

Ana sends a text when I get back, "I felt a relief in the air as I left your house. I'm happy that we talked things out. I love you so much."

Sleep 4 a.m. 

---

[i] Images by me.