Tuesday December 31 2019

 

Waking up at 10:40 a.m. I tried sleeping more but my heart is heavy.

 

Steel Cut Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Composing a public Facebook post to update everyone on what’s happening with my mom. She has 72 hours to a week, at least that’s what the nurses and doctors are saying. It hits me hard but I try to stay strong.

 

I head over to the hospital to speak with Janet from Hospice Care. We sit in a waiting room discussing the plan to get her over to hospice tonight so she can be comfortable. Even though the nurses and everyone are taking care of her at the hospital it will be a much better situation for her to be at hospice.

...

I stay by her side as much as possible. We exchange about a thousand I love you’s back and forth. I can’t hold back the tears anymore. I break down a few times in her arms. She can barely speak audibly without gurgling. Even though I’ve said everything I wanted to say to her in the Christmas card and in person I still feel like there is more I want her to know. I gotta leave at some point and let the transport team arrive to do their thing.

 

Back home. Trying to eat lunch: Bagel, Scrambled Egg, Salt n Vinegar Chips, and Coffee.

 

I’ve got other things I need to take care of but it’s hard to keep my mind off this. At some point amidst roaming about the house I kneel down at the steps and can’t stop whimpering and crying. Elvis happens to be near and notices the strange sounds I’m making. He’s probably never seen me cry before.

 

After Ana gets off work we eat a quick dinner and head to the hospice center off Rosemont to see mom. She’s sound asleep. We organize all the things in her bags from where they moved her – setting up decorations on the table with pictures of my late sister Dana, me, Ana, Christmas cards, and flowers. When she wakes up she puts on a big smile and admires it. It’s still really hard for her to speak but we help tend to her needs and get familiar with the nurses there. It’s not much different than the hospital except it’s not noisy and there’s a lot more space in the room for guests.

...

I brought more homemade Jello for her. For some reason she really craves this – I think it’s cause she hasn’t eaten all day. We wish her a happy new year and let her rest for the night.

 

Ana and I then head off to Toast in Norfolk to socialize and celebrate the big 2020 moment over sweet Toast plates and champagne. It’s actually kind of nice to be around this atmosphere for a change and help distract from the looming things in my head.

 

 

Sleep 2:30 a.m.

Monday December 30 2019

 

Waking up off and on throughout the morning but officially at 11:37 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Catching up on business.

 

It’s 67 degrees out! So Ana and I grab a few basketballs and shoot around at the courts next to Lynnhaven Middle School.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Blueberry Bagel with Vegan Cream Cheese. Corn Tortilla Chips with Guac. Spinach. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers. We had quite a few cancelations today so I hold it down at the front desk.

 

Immediately after I get off work I head over to the hospital to see mom. Pastor Rick, Wanda, Lisa, and Bobby Sturgis are there all in those throw away gowns. Pastor prays over my mom – they must’ve been here for some time beforehand.

 

After they leave I talk with mom. She’s had a few moments over the weekend where she felt really sick and in a lot of pain, so much that she felt it was time for her to go.

“I’m not gonna make it. I don’t think I’m gonna make it,” she says to me as I lean over the railing and look at the sadness in her face.  

Over the past few months I’ve had moments where it hits me like a ton of bricks, just the thought. I hate to hear her say that now. But we’re probably gonna be transferring her to hospice care tomorrow. I hope to God some miracle might happen and the mass in her adrenal gland might go away. But also I don’t want her to suffer anymore. This is so hard for me and I know for all the people close to her.

 

Picking up some dinner from Aloha Snacks: a Chicken Sandwich with Fries. I don’t really have much of an appetite but I need to eat.

 

At home – doing chores – dishes – laundry.

 

 

Making mom some homemade Jell-O. She kept talking about wanting some. So I buy some gelatin and some fruit juices and whip it up. Delivering it to her later on in the night. She’s thrilled!

 

Sleep 4 a.m.

Sunday December 29 2019

Waking up around noon.

 

Ana and I do our Sunday tradition and enjoy Biscuits, Pastries, and Coffee at Three Ships. We run into Dariel and Zack.

 

Helping Ana change a brake light bulb and replace her windshield wiper blades. 

 

Catching up on business.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Spinach. Toast with Vegan Cream Cheese. English Breakfast Tea.

Watching The Informer (2019).

 

It’s the final rehearsal for The Wall. The room is packed to the brim with the core band and guest superstar musicians – there’s almost 13 people in this room at once.

 

Back home. Warming up dinner: leftover Vegetable Soup with Rice and Bread.

 

At the studio organizing things and playing piano. It’s nice to just play music without any responsibility looming over my head.

 

 

Sleep 4:00 a.m. next to Ana.

Saturday December 28 2019

 

Waking up at 11:37 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Strawberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

I’ve got the whole day off and I’m gonna do whatever I want.

 

Playing a couple rounds of DOOM on my computer.

 

Running errands.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Vegan Cream Cheese and Jam. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Coffee. Spinach.

Watching The Informer (2019).

 

Doing chores around the house.

 

Researching.

 

Taking apart my laptop so I can clean out the dust and troubleshoot why my audio jack only produces right speaker sound. Learned a lot about how to unscrew everything and take off the back panel.

 

Cooking dinner for Ana and I: Brown Rice Quinoa Spaghetti Noodles with Mushrooms, Peppers, Onions, Broccoli, and Sourdough Baguette.

 

Visiting mom at the hospital.

 

 

Hanging with Ana. Not doing much for a change. No pressure to practice for shows or be responsible for anything.

 

Sleep 4:30 a.m.

Friday December 27 2019

 

Waking up at 11 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Strawberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

At the Princess Anne Rec. They got only one court running full games. I’m on the wait list but I manage to get in a few 4-on-4 games on the other side.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Jam. Salt n Vinegar Chips with Avocado. Spinach. Coffee.

Watching iBoy (2017).

 

Catching up on business.

 

Running errands. They got the recycling center area blocked off with cones, I guess because they thought there would be an overload of stuff from Christmas. I did haul all my recycle bins for no reason. So I park on the side of the ride and walk a ways to make it happen.

 

Visiting mom at the hospital. She seems to be in ten times better today – her voice much more audible – her familiar humor is back – she’s even eating. She tells me how early this morning she heard something in her ear like death was calling or the word “fear”. She refused it. It’s hard to explain how she explained it. My mom is always experiencing the supernatural.

 

I leave early enough to pick up Ana from the house and for us to go out to dinner. We hit up Gringo’s, our favorite taco spot then Lolly’s drive thru for ice cream. It’s a great bonding time for us.

 

Back home. Vacuuming and doing chores. Meanwhile, Ana experiments with her new magic rainbow guitar pedal I got her for Christmas.

 

 

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

Thursday December 26 2019

Waking up at 11:07 a.m.

 

Granola Cereal with Almond Milk and Strawberries.

 

At the Great Neck Rec stretching out and shooting the basketball around. It feels good to move my legs around.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Kale and Spinach. Toast with Butter and Jam. Coffee.

Watching iBoy (2017).

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Enjoying leftover Soup with Ana for dinner.

 

Visiting mom at the hospital. Her left arm/hand/leg/foot has been swelling more and more lately. They think it has something to do with her kidney levels from the antibiotics. Things seem to be okay other than that but it’s always a big question mark every day for her. She says she gets scared at night when no one she knows is there. I tell her she’s in good hands.

 

Back home. Ana’s cleaning out her room. I do some dishes and other chores.

 

We decide to bond over some old video games on my computer.

 

 

Sleep 3 a.m.

Wednesday December 25 2019

 

Waking up after noon.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Strawberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Helping Ana do things in the kitchen. She’s baking banana bread and cooking soup. I put on some gloves and take on the dishwasher role.

 

Piling up the car with Trader Joe’s bags and crates filled with gifts. Driving to Norfolk to her mom’s house. They’re having a little family get-together. Enjoying plates of Thanksgiving style food along with Ana’s homemade soup, banana bread, and chocolate chip cookies. A Christmas Story (1983) playing on the big screen. At some point we’re all in the karaoke room singing with her brothers. Exchanging gifts. I got a few appropriate gifts like a piano floor mat, a pair of socks with Elvis’s face on it, and slippers. I got Ana that rainbow guitar pedal she wanted for so long now.

 

 

Now, at the hospital visiting with mom. She’s got a little mini Christmas tree sitting over on a table with a few small gifts and cards for Ana and I. She seems to be doing a lot better today.

 

 

We decide to hit the bed early after 2 a.m.

Tuesday December 24 2019

 

Waking up around noon. I had some pretty stressful dreams involving technical difficulties on stage. Woke up with sweaty legs.

 

Leftover Blueberry Pancake. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Catching up on business and chores.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Bagel with Vegan Cream Cheese. Potato Chips. Coffee.

Watching Don’t F**k With Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer (2019).

 

Wrapping presents and composing Christmas cards. The ones for my mom and Ana take the longest time cause they have to be extra special. I find a few postcards with painted flowers on them to use as the card covers then draw special designs.

 

 

After Ana gets off work we have dinner together: Black Beans with Mushrooms, Onions, Kale, Carrots, and Rice.

 

Then, visiting mom at the hospital. There’s always so much going on amongst the nurses and us in order to take care of all these small things for her. She doesn’t seem very comfortable tonight. But eventually we’re able to share cards with each other.

 

Back home. We do things in the kitchen. Enjoying our hot cocoa, which involves melting a snowman in our mugs. Snacking on Popcorn and enjoying a movie together. Finally getting to see Joker (2019). Meanwhile, Elvis cuddles amongst our laps.

 

 

Sleep past 4 a.m.

Monday December 23 2019

Waking up at 11 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Early in the morning mom was struggling in pain at the hospital. She texted me. I get ready and visit with her. I brought a few Christmas cards for her that came in the mail. Her voice seems to be better and more audible today. This whole thing is a question mark as to whether or not she will live on. It’s understood that the cancer has really become metastatic, meaning it keeps appearing in many places, mainly in her neck and the adrenal gland. Now they’re saying it might be entering her lungs. She’s still in good spirits and has an overall sense of readiness to leave this earth. For me it just feels like a shock. We already knew to plan on it happening but we always keep hope alive. I just wish a miracle would manifest itself.

 

I drive on home after picking up a few bagels. Dealing with Christmas traffic in Hilltop as this heaviness of everything stays with me.

 

Catching up on business.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Bagel with Vegan Cream Cheese. Potato Chips with Avocado. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers. It’s almost just a normal Monday here at the studio but a little shorter lesson schedule.

 

Black Beans with Carrots, Onions, Mushrooms, Broccoli, and Rice.

 

Back at the hospital spending some quality time with mom – helping her organize the room – sharing some more Christmas cards – talking. I feel much better after this session with her.

 

Back home. Orange Juice.

 

 

Sleep 4 a.m.

Sunday December 22 2019

[i]

Waking up at 11:41 a.m. from heavy dreams.

 

Ana and I make Blueberry Pancakes together with Coffee for breakfast.

 

I get ready for the day. Heading out to the storage unit in Norfolk meeting up with Josiah and Bobby to practice our acoustic Ladada set.

 

At The Good Theater at ODU sound checking and hanging out with Starcoast and Mae backstage. Bobby, Bianca, and I pick up some pizzas from Del Vecchios down the street.

 

It is definitely a special kind of show tonight. Now we, Ladada, can check off “acoustic set” on our list. At least we know we can make this happen anytime we want. Later on, hanging with Aaron, Chris, Tristan, and whoever watching Mae’s acoustic set making me feel all nostalgic and bringing back memories.

 

  

 

Later on, back at the house. Recuperating with Ana about the day’s activities. She vents to me about the woes of her job getting really upset about it. It’s really hard on her sometimes.

 

Sleep 4 a.m.

---

[i] Some Photos by Joe Justice.

Saturday December 21 2019

 

Waking up at 11 a.m.

 

Mom has been struggling all night. Some of her friends are taking her to the hospital. She’s in a lot of pain and her neck hurts. This whole cancer battle has taken it’s toll on her. It’s all so overwhelming and it feels like we’re losing.

 

Meanwhile, I have to get to the studio to open up for a drum lesson and load up the cars for a gig.

 

Ana and I are performing at Smartmouth Pilot House in Virginia Beach. We hadn’t actually played this one before. Today is a special Retro Holiday Soiree with us (Musicplayer) and DJ Lord Thomas spinning 60’s jams.

 

Fish Tacos with Chips n Guac.

 

Even though there are a few moments of mishaps and flubs it still turns out to be a lot of fun. A few of our friends are here for support. Some are dressed up. Ana’s wearing this wonderful turquoise dress that matches her guitar perfectly. After our set the deejay spins all the cool 60’s songs and we dance.

 

 

After all is said and done we’re able to go visit mom at the hospital. We’ve all had a long day.

The doctor said there might be cancer cells spreading to the lungs but we don’t know for sure. It could explain the constant cough with phlegm. We have some serious talks. She’s overall not afraid.

She explains, “If I leave, then I’ll be in a beautiful place. If I stay, then I’ll still be in a beautiful place…with you.”

We’re taking it one day at a time. That’s all we can do.

 

 

Sleep early around 2 a.m.

Friday December 20 2019

Waking up at 11:10 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

At the rec playing basketball non-stop. I do pretty well mostly being the main scorer in all the games.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Bagel and Toast with Butter and Jam. Spinach. Coffee.

Watching Code 8 (2019).

 

Catching up on business.

 

It’s a huge chore and errand day!

 

Making an easy dinner: Peas, Potatoes, Onions, and Kale.

 

Cookies

 

At the studio with Ana running through necessary songs.

 

Popcorn.

 

 

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

Thursday December 19 2019

Waking up at 11:10 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Strawberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Writing more Christmas cards for the students. Chores. Prepping a turmeric and ginger mix. Meanwhile, mom has a speech therapist here.

 

Grilled PB&J. Potato Chips. Berries. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers. Tis the season of exchanging Christmas gifts and cards.

 

Off work after 8 p.m.

Eating some dinner: Cauliflower Pizza with Salmon, Kale, and Carrots. Chocolate Chip Cookie.

 

With Josiah and Bobby at the storage unit practicing Ladada’s acoustic set. Acoustic guitars and a djembe. It’s a lot more work than we thought but it’s gonna be a special show.

 

 

Sleep 4 a.m.

Wednesday December 18 2019

Waking up at 11:30 a.m.

 

Date and Almond Bar. Irish Breakfast Tea.

 

Cleaning the bathroom shower wall.

 

Meeting Dennis, a chill guy with tattoos and gauges. After talking with him and showing him around, we decide he’ll be our new roommate. I probably received about 25 messages after posting the ad yesterday and he was the first and best.

 

Running errands for mom.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Bagel with Butter and Jam. Spinach. Coffee.

Watching The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996).

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Back home. Making dinner: Brown Rice Thai Noodles with leftover Tofu and Broccoli.

 

Later on, after Ana gets off work at midnight, we practice songs at the studio focusing on the newer ones.

 

 

Talking in her bedroom. She’s been feeling sad late at night – always feeling dissatisfied or like something’s lacking. But we end up sleeping next to each other staying warm under the covers.

Tuesday December 17 2019

Waking up at 11:30 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Catching up on business. Searching for a roommate.

 

Chores.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Jam. Potato Chips. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers. It’s a big Tuesday, as Tuesdays usually are.

 

“What you can’t do today you can do tomorrow if you believe in yourself.”

 

Off work slurping down some Soup and Cookies for dinner.

 

Then at Wall rehearsal with DEJA and friends. It’s very productive and long.

 

 

Chillin’ with Ana in her room. She’s watching Sabrina on the iPad while Elvis watches us from the cat tower.

 

Chamomile Tea.

 

Sleep 4 a.m.

Monday December 16 2019

Waking up at 11:09 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Basketball at the Rec.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Vegan Cream Cheese. Salt n Vinegar Chips with Avocado. Coffee.

Watching Low Tide (2019).

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

At the rehearsal spot setting up my keyboard rig for tomorrow Wall’s practice. Nearby, at Ming’s Chinese Restaurant, ordering takeout for dinner.

 

Fried Tofu with Mixed Vegetables and Garlic Sauce.

 

Relaxing while I watch an eye opening documentary on the issues of recycling in the world.

 

At the studio with Ana practicing songs.

 

 

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

Sunday December 15 2019

Waking up at 11:30 a.m.

 

Ana and I enjoy some Biscuits, Pastries, and Coffee at Three Ships, our typical Sunday morning tradition. Sitting outside on the patio – it’s not too cold and the sun warms us up just enough to keep us comfortable and talking.

 

Doing some afternoon practicing at Music Makers together. Excited about the newer songs we’re preparing.

 

I’ve got the rest of the day off so I get right to my to-do list. Working on Music Makers business – prepping – Christmas card signing – emails.

 

Black Bean Burger, Mustard Greens, Turnips, and Salt n Vinegar Chips. English Breakfast Tea.

Watching Low Tide (2019).

 

Running late night errands – grabbing some groceries at Whole Foods right before they close. There’s only one register open so it takes quite a while to get out of there.

 

Chores.

 

Back at the studio working on some things. Then, Ana drops by to practice some more. We just can’t get enough of music.

 

 

Sleep 4 a.m.

Saturday December 14 2019

 

Waking up at 11:05 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Teaching afternoon lessons at Music Makers.

 

Back home. Ana is cleaning out her room or as it appears, exhuming her room. Meanwhile, I eat some lunch and relax.

Leftover Black Bean Burger with Potato Chips. Fruit. Coffee.

 

Power napping.

 

Ana and I head to the studio to start practicing songs for next weekend.

 

Grabbing some Pizza from Your Pie and enjoying at home with mom nearby in the chair. She cooked some Mustard Greens and Turnips. She’s not doing too bad today.

 

We head back to the studio for round two of practice – doing a few Christmas tunes and having a good time.

 

While Ana heads off to a dance party at Auntie’s I stay home organizing the Christmas cards and eating Popcorn.

 

 

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

Friday December 13 2019

Waking up at 11:15 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Basketball at the Rec. Proud of a few games I played where I knocked down four 3-pointers in a row.

 

Back home. For some reason the hot water isn’t working too well so I’m forced to take a James Bond shower using cool water. It actually felt better on my skin but it took some getting used to.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Bagel with Butter and Jam. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Coffee.

Watching 6 Underground (2019).

 

Taking the day off from teaching lessons. Instead, I hole up in my room working on various business stuff – setting up PayPal for Music Makers – tweaking the schedule – cutting/organizing Christmas cards.

 

Talking with mom downstairs while she eats a little something. She’s doing better I would say – still fatigued and dealing with all kinds of things that make her weak and sore. We’re both hoping this cancer fight is gonna be over soon.

 

 

Chilling with Ana for a while talking about this and that.

 

Sleep 3:45 a.m.

Thursday December 12 2019

Waking up at 11:30 a.m.

 

Date and Almond Bar. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Catching up on business.

 

Scrambled Eggs. Spinach. Poppy Seed Bagel with Vegan Cream Cheese. Salt n Vinegar Chips with Avocado. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Back home. Ana cooked dinner: homemade Black Bean Burgers with Cauliflower and Sweet Potatoes.

Mom had her second chemo today. Her blood pressure was really high today and things have been really hard for her to swallow lately. I feel bad cause I don’t know what I can do.

 

With Josiah and Bobby at the storage unit rehearsing for the first time as an acoustic 3-piece. We’ve got an unplugged set we gotta work out for a show coming up. I pluck on an acoustic bass, Josiah on acoustic guitar, and Bobby bangs on a djembe and tambourine. It’s an interesting perspective on the Ladada songs.

 

 

Sleep 4:30 a.m.

Wednesday December 11 2019

Waking up at 11:10 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Basketball at the rec. My game is on today! I forgot my headband so I’m wondering if freeing my hair is the reason. Lol.

 

Sardines. Bagel with Butter and Jam. Potato Chips. Coffee.

Watching 187 (1997).

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Back home. Finally able to have time to cook.

Brown Rice Quinoa Spaghetti Noodles with Tomatoes, Mushrooms, Onions, Peppers, Broccoli, and French Baguette.

 

Catching up on my to-do list – fixing various things on the computer.

 

Talking with Ana in her bedroom about the recycling epidemic, issues with carbon emissions, and how we’re gonna have to find a new roommate soon.

 

 

Sleep 4 a.m.