Tuesday May 31 2022

Waking up pretty early at 10:15 a.m.

 

Breakfast Bar. Tea.

 

Rebecca and I conduct our ELO meeting with Kevin and Nigel – more discussion on the big weeklong trip coming up. They recently obtained a big shuttle bus for us to tour in now so a lot of prep work is being done on it.

 

At the studio – meeting with an estimator for Atlantic Glass. Then, working hard on the schedule cause Addy had to call out of work today.

 

Eggs. Spinach. English Muffin. Sweet Potato Chips. Coffee.

 

Teaching a full day of lessons.

 

Afterwards, Modern Day Warrior is supposed to meet – it turns out being Thomas, Luke, and I. So I fill in on bass to go over a few tunes. It’s productive as we can be.

 

Back home. I warm up a small amount of leftovers. While I wait Elvis hops into my lap vying for affection. Ana walks down the stairs for a moment barely acknowledging me but being cordial I suppose. Lately, I’ve been forgetting the separation between her and I, sort of pushing it all in the back of my mind but every now and then I’m faced with the memories and the questions. It’s still amazing to me how little she’s chosen to interact with me.

 

Chores – dishes – laundry – catching up on business.

 

Monday May 30 2022

Waking up pretty late.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

At the gym working out.

 

Coconut Water.

 

Eggs. Spinach. English Muffin. Sweet Potato Chips. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Running some errands.

 

Making Naan Pizzas for Rebecca and I. We finally get around to watching the rest of the Broadway show that Bobby edited. We chat about all the things we wanna look out for next time.

 

Back home. Catching up on business and chores.

 

Chilling at the computer – feeling sleepy.

 

Snacking.

 

Sunday May 29 2022

Waking up around 12:15 p.m.

 

Granola Cereal with Blueberries, Strawberries, and Tea.

 

Catching up on business.

 

Reorganizing an area in my room and building a shoe rack.

 

Running errands.

 

Eggs. Kale. English Muffin. Coffee.

 

Meeting up at the warehouse. Mike and I take measurements of my keyboards with plans to build a piano shell. Meanwhile, Kevin and Rebecca are folding shirts for the merch rack. I give a hand to make the job go faster.

 

Afterwards, Rebecca and I grab dinner at Shake Shack. Everybody in the world seems to be out tonight (cause of Memorial Day). We wait patiently on the patio and talk about all the current everything under the sun.

 

Back home. Catching up on things at the computer.

 

Building a cube shelf for my room. Finally finished arranging the shoe rack.

 

Snacks.

 

Saturday May 28 2022

Waking up around 11:40 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

At Music Makers. Rebecca and I have a few lessons to teach – makeup lessons. Cleaning some pianos afterwards.

 

Picking up some things from Target.

 

Eggs. English Muffin. Chips. Coffee. Kale.

Watching The Lakers Dynasty thing on HBO.

 

Cleaning the bathrooms – mainly the shower and toilet in the hallway bathroom then the downstairs guest bathroom.

 

Aloha Snacks for dinner. Sitting with Rebecca outside on the new patio enjoying Chicken Rice Bowls with Malasadas.

 

Then, back at the house we attempt to watch some Broadway footage in the living room but the file is taking too long to buffer so instead we watch some SNL clips. Elvis of course provides entertainment.

 

Later on, I mop and clean up the 104 space and organize things at Music Makers.

 

Friday May 27 2022

Waking up around 12:30 p.m.

 

I invited Rebecca to grab some brunch with me at Commune. It’s pouring down rain. We sit at the bar – the usual waiters and waitresses are here. I imagine seeing a new female character sitting next to me might be noticeable. I order Strawberry Waffles with Bacon and Coffee.

 

Picking up my car from the shop – had to get an inspection, oil change, and fix an electrical wiring issue.

 

At Music Makers putting away an order that came and chatting with Allyson. I stick around longer than I expected cause of these new ukuleles. Also, I show one of Rebecca’s students, Stephanie, some pointers on the uke.

 

Picking up some groceries.

 

Back home. Taking care of things. Catching up on business.

 

PB&J English Muffin. Tea.

 

While sipping on tea Ana suddenly knocks on my door. I haven’t seen her literally all week – it’s very strange. I invite her in. We need to talk about a few logistics of her moving out but we also chat a bit about what’s going on. I try to ask her if she’s talking to anyone at the moment. She says no but I’m pretty certain she is – I think she’s afraid to tell me. I assure her it’s okay and that it would be nice to put some conclusion to things knowing that.

...

After she leaves she texts, “I appreciate you being gracious. You are a great person with a great and understanding heart. I’m glad we were able to chat for a bit. I only wish for the both of us to move upward to happiness in our individual lives. Thank you for always being there for me all these years. You also know how to be a good listener.”

 Hearing that really makes me feel better about things.

 

Running a few late night errands.

 

Making an easy dinner: Vegan Sausage with leftover Rice/Noodles, Kale, and Naan Bread.

Watching The Lakers Dynasty series.

 

Later on, I invite Rebecca over to help Elvis exercise. Bobby finally sent us the final edit from the last Broadway show so we watch through Act I. It’s fine with me that she’s in my house – this is a rare occurrence – it’s still a bit foreign to be hanging out with somebody other than Ana in the living room like this.

 

Thursday May 26 2022

Waking up around 11:20 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Workout at the gym with Vlad. Everyone’s talking about that Texas mass shooting at the elementary school – it’s pretty tragic – as much as 21 death count so far.

 

Eggs. Spinach. Bagel. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

After work, Madelaine and Addy are hanging by the front desk. Both of them are currently undergoing stressful things in their lives – Welcome to the club, I say!

 

Rebecca and I grab some dinner at CAVA in Town Center, a decent takeout Mediterranean joint. Then, grabbing some unexpected free cups of Gelato from next door.

 

Back home. I suit myself up and drive out to The Banque to meet up with Aaron and friends to celebrate his birthday. It’s my first time here in this giant hole in the wall country western bar. It’s got history and personality unlike any bar I’ve seen in town. The karaoke bar is located in the back – I have a hard time finding it the first time. All kinds of characters and cultures intersect here (cowboy, hip-hop, goth, etc.). Aaron’s perched at a table all smiles enjoying his day. Allyson, Anthony, James, Rusty, and other friends are here. I order a gin and tonic with a few Blue Moons and settle into the chaos. With the PA speakers blasting we hear singer after singer wail on the mic. Tennessee Whiskey, a local karaoke star of sorts croons all of us. I get up there and do “Psycho Killer”, a tune I can throw down anytime I want.

...

After they close up shop I sit in the truck sipping on water to sober up. Driving over to the Ladada practice space nearby to play a little drums and lie down on the bench. Unhappy – thinking about Ana. But I brighten up and get home.

 

Wednesday May 25 2022

Waking up around 11:20 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

At the Rec working out and shooting some basketball. Sticking to some more uplifting tunes in the ear buds today, Vampire Weekend.

 

Eggs. Spinach. Bagel. Coffee.

Watching The Lakers Dynasty thing.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

This rain is relentless today – just depressing.

 

Picking up some Bangkok Garden for dinner: Tofu Pad Thai with Broccoli.

 

Catching up on business and planning.

 

Cleaning the dishes.

 

I notice Ana comes in briefly after work but quickly right back out the door off to her new dude’s house. I still can’t understand how she so quickly uprooted her life and inserted a new person like this. It’s something I’ll have to accept.

 

Snacking on Papaya.

 

Later on I invite Rebecca over to the house to spend some time with Elvis. I feel bad for him cause no one really gives him attention except for me. He warms up to her almost immediately remembering the times she had to feed him last year. We play with him in the living room. He’s very happy. I pick up the guitar and tune it to some open drop d tuning – creating meditative mountain sounds. After she leaves I stay seated on the living room floor and continue strumming the guitar emanating healing and nostalgia all at once.

 

Tuesday May 24 2022

Waking up at 10 a.m.

 

Breakfast Bar. Tea.

 

Rebecca and I head to Nigel’s for the ELO meeting – these have been very productive and things are really coming together.

Banana.

 

Eggs. Spinach. Crackers. Bagel. Coffee.

Watching that Lakers series.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Picking up a few things from Trader Joe’s.

 

Meeting up at Mike Mosgrove’s place to talk to him about a game plan for my keyboard rig. He’s also excited to show me his guitar collection and workshop. He’s such a handyman.

 

Back home. I cook up something simple to eat for dinner: leftover Vegan Burger, Sardines, Rice Pilaf, and Kale.

Watching.

 

Thinking more about her and how I really take a lot of the responsibility and blame into the progression (or digression I should say) of this separation. I was just sailing through life all busy juggling everything thinking it was fail proof, like what we had developed was unbreakable, like nothing could break it down so much that it disappeared. I allowed myself to get distracted with everything else and neglect the one person that 110% supported me and wanted to be with me. I squandered a good thing. But then another side of me thinks this happened exactly the way it was supposed to. However, I don’t want to believe that either.

 

Dropping off the recycle.

 

Snacking on Popcorn and Raspberries.

 

Monday May 23 2022

Once again I can’t sleep past 10. I keep waking up and my mind is wandering.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

At the gym putting in a good workout – listening to newly discovered Unknown Mortal Orchestra.

 

Eggs. Spinach. Sweet Potato. Bagel. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Back home. Lentil Vegetable Soup with Vegan Sausage and Croissant Toast.

Watching Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty (2022).

 

Cleaning up all the old boxes above my bed. Meanwhile, also waiting for Ana to get home so we can talk. We planned ahead.

 

Later in the living room we sit relaxed and calm with tea in hand just catching up on things first. Then, I give her this double sided typed letter “Apologies, Thoughts, & Thank You’s”. I admit all the things I’ve done wrong to get us to this point of no return. I explain how I understand her need to seek out happiness elsewhere in her life. Listening and letting things out with a few tears – all the while Billie Holiday plays quietly on the iPad. I have many thoughts to express like how sorry I am for neglecting her and how close of a link she is to my mom before she passed. I get very emotional but stay level headed.

...

I point out how she made three choices that I never made first...

Confession: Being the first one to confess she liked me back in 2013.

Proposal: Being the first one to propose marriage.

The End: Being the one to make the decision to end the relationship officially.

...

Overall, we really get on the same page and realize we can keep things amicable and still be really good friends. She holds my hand and we share a hug for a minute that reassures me things will be alright.

 

Sunday May 22 2022

Waking up just before noon.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Catching up on things.

 

Chatting with Ana in her room for a bit – just friendly things – nothing too deep. Meanwhile, Elvis sits atop his tower like a king.

 

Pondering and thinking and meandering in the wells of my mind about Ana and I. Coming to the realization that she is talking with someone else. It’s not her fault. It’s mine totally. I neglected and pushed her away. I let myself get distracted with everything else.

 

I continue about my day – dealing with things at the house.

 

Rebecca joins me on some errands to the Asian Market, Kroger, and Whole Foods.

 

Later on, I bring a drinking coconut over to her place to share and catch up on the latest. I give her the complete lowdown on my situation with Ana – she knows mostly what’s going on but not everything. It feels good to let it out so she knows what I’m dealing with and the emotional battle I’ve been facing. It’s hard for me to hold back the tears but I manage. She brings some good perspective – how I should try not to look at it as I pushed her down this path but rather I GOT her to this path she’s chosen. I need to take responsibility for my part in the downfall of our relationship but also understand it involved both Ana and I.

 

Letting this excerpt from The Prophet resonate with me,

“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

...

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

     For love is sufficient unto love.”

 

Dinner: Tuna Steak with Brussel Sprouts and Potatoes.

 

Ana’s off work at 11. I attempt to have a one on one conversation with her where she’s not rushing out the door. But she’s adamant about not linking up cause she already has plans. It’s been very apparent that she’s “talking” to someone else. It stings a little at first but I understand she is seeking happiness elsewhere cause it’s not here.

 

Dropping my car off at the shop – it’s almost midnight – then walking back home. It’s a beautiful summer night too. I don’t know why but I generally feel better about everything.

 

Chores.

 

Saturday May 21 2022

Waking up off and on cause I can’t seem to stay asleep. Still feeling anxiety cause Ana hasn’t come home yet.

 

Out of bed by noon. Blackberries.

 

I meet up with Addy at Session off Shore Drive. The owner guy recognizes me from the last time Ana and I ate there.

...

Earlier in the week we had to cancel all of Addy’s lessons cause her and Jordan hit the last straw. So she’s been dealing with logistics of moving out of their house and all that. I figured it’d be good to catch up and encourage as much as I can. I also have no choice but to relay what’s been going on with me.

 

Back home. Showering up. Rebecca got invited to a birthday party of Joshaura’s, one of our students at Music Makers. I tag along. It’s way out by Ocean Lakes. Stopping into the DAV Thrift store and perusing the endless aisles of knick knacks.

...

At the birthday house. It’s essentially a bunch of teenagers doing karaoke. Dylan, the brother, is card throwing at all the balloons. But Rebecca and I help sings some songs with the birthday girl. At some point, “A Whole New World” from Aladdin comes up. Immediately it triggers emotions from when Ana and I sang it last year in Broadway. I sing politely in the background.

 

Back home. Cleaning up the living room and vacuuming everywhere I can.

 

At some point Ana gets off work. Her and Allyson are about to go to Smartmouth for some Funk Fusion event. I catch Ana outside before she gets in the car and have an emotionally expressive moment. I can barely say the words I love you without quivering lips. We do share a tender moment as I touch a little on the thoughts going through my mind. I’ve been heart sick most of the day even though I was with people.

 

Driving over to the warehouse to pick up my wardrobe. Meanwhile, Rebecca and Jimmy the Greek are here trying to figure out how to add this mesh material to the merch rack. I bring by a staple gun to help.

 

At home. Having some quick dinner: Vegan Burger with Hummus, Sweet Potato, Cucumber Salad, and Kale.

Watching Better Call Saul.

 

Doing some serious thinking. Downstairs on the couch reading The Nature of Love by Kahlil Gibran to get me sleepy and keep my mind at bay. Attempting to sleep for a few hours then returning to bed.

 

Friday May 20 2022

Waking up off and on throughout the morning – I just can’t seem to stay asleep after the hot sun is out. And plus I’ve got a lot weighing on my heart.

 

Breakfast Bar. Tea.

 

I knock on Ana’s door to talk with her. I stand there leaning up against her black dresser holding my cup of tea just trying to catch up but she just has this wall up and is acting irritable that I’m even in here. I try to express my heart about the situation but she’s got many things to do today.

At some point I just declare, “I won’t waste any more of your time,” and sheepishly return to my room.

...

Sitting on my bed I can’t help but cry. Before Ana leaves the house she gratefully checks in on me and gives me a hug.

“You’ve been my best friend,” I tell her with shaky lips.

 

At the Rec I get caught up in a few pick-up basketball games – running up and down the court burning off calories.

 

Spinach Salad with Eggs, Tomatoes, Beets, and an English Muffin. Coffee.

Watching Better Call Saul.

 

Driving to Norfolk. On the way I’m feeling lost and hopeless. I discover a few songs related to a song Ana sent me a while back in the genre vein of contemporary R&B soul. Aaron Frazer’s “You Don’t Wanna Be My Baby” in particular really affects me.

...

Stopping by Nomad’s to collect some shirts I had on consignment. Then, stopping by H&M to return some pants.

 

At the studio I reorganize a bunch of things.

 

Back home. Warming up some dinner.

 

Composing some words.

 

Playing piano.

 

Chores – laundry – changing the cat litter.

 

Having a hard time getting to sleep. I know Ana is still out – it’s likely she’s spending the night somewhere else – I have no idea where – she doesn’t communicate anymore and it hurts.

 

Thursday May 19 2022

Waking up to the disturbing sound of maintenance banging away at something just outside the window. I can’t really get back to sleep properly.

 

Arising at 11:20 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

I unexpectedly get myself into a sentimental moment. Entering Ana’s room as she’s putting on some clothes to meet her mom and brother downstairs. I was feeling sad last night and earlier this morning.

“I need to tell you something. I’m just...” I stutter as my lips start shaking. “I’m just sad!”

I embrace her and begin weeping into her shoulder. I can barely form words for the next 30 seconds.

“I’m sorry. I don’t wanna lose you,” I add.

“You’re feelings are valid,” she replies.

Elvis is perched on her broken guitar amp. I take a breath and pet him – and she goes with her mom and brother out to eat. I’ve never cried like that around her not since my mom passed. I’m not sure what to make of it. I know exactly what I’m feeling but I’m also afraid and stuck in a limbo.

 

I head off to the gym to do a workout with Vlad. He’s got some Italian lady watching and learning how to train.

Coconut Water.

 

Eggs. Spinach. Sweet Potato. Bagel. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Eating some leftovers at home.

 

Then, Wes and I head to Ladada band practice at the storage unit. Community Witch is always just finishing up their practice. We work on some original tunes and let out the cathartic jams.

...

On the drive back I introduce Wes to the jazz infused indie sounds of Crumb.

 

Wednesday May 18 2022

Waking up around 11:20 a.m.

 

Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.

 

Catching up on business.

 

Running errands – stopping by The Heritage and the tailor.

 

Eggs. Bagel, Sweet Potato. Spinach. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Tofu and Veggies with Rice Noodles from Bangkok Garden.

Watching a John Wayne Gacy documentary.

 

Catching up on business.

 

I gear up to go on a bike ride and on my way out I spot Ana sitting in her car. She’s purposefully been avoiding the house after work and I’ve felt her trying to distance herself from me. I try to chat with her but all she can do is crack the window and say she’ll be moving out before August. I try to express to her how sad I’ve felt about the relationship. She’s being very stern with me about everything. I just wanted to catch up with her – I feel like I haven’t talked with her in forever.

...

We make our temporary peace and I go on my way riding down at the oceanfront listening to some Beethoven pondering everything – how I regret neglecting her in any way and taking her for granted. I know the psychology of myself holds me back from expression. I have a tendency to sabotage relationships. Even though I’m such an open book I hide things sometimes.

 

Tuesday May 17 2022

Waking up early at 10:20 a.m.

 

Breakfast Bar. Tea.

 

Rebecca and I meet up at Nigel’s for our weekly ELO meeting – mainly to debrief from the weekend and prep for the June tour. Kevin’s here too taking on more of a leadership role – we’re all getting very organized now.

 

Banana. Blackberries.

 

Errands.

 

Eggs. English Muffin. Spinach. Coffee.

 

Teaching lessons at Music Makers.

 

Cooking a dinner: Peas, Quinoa Pasta, Sardines, and Cauliflower.

 

Ana’s home earlier than usual. I invited her to eat with me but she declines cause she’s gotta get up super early in the morning. Ever since I’ve been home I sense her taking effort to distance herself from me – it feels strange cause I miss talking with her.

 

Doing dishes and catching up on business.

 

Going for a late night bike ride then stopping by the studio to practice piano. I’ve been rehashing this Beethoven piece.

 

Monday May 16 2022

Waking up bright and early in the hotel room at 8:00 a.m.

 

Ron, Mike, Rebecca, and I have to get Nancy to Penn Station in the heart of New York City. She’s gotta get on an Amtrak train. Our only option is for me to escort her there once we arrive. I help get her to the check-in. Then grab some bagels from a stand nearby – impeccable timing just as the van had circled around the block I Venmo the guy $10 and dive into the van.

 

We continue down south on the NJTP – napping in the back – then on 13.

 

Snacking and helping the time pass by sharing music.

 

Successfully across the Bay Bridge Tunnel but the saga continues. Mike, Rebecca, and I have to get to Nigel’s house to drop off the van – out load into my car – drive to the warehouse – drop off Mike – then Rebecca and I get back into Hilltop.

 

It’s nice to have my own cooked meal.

Eggs. English Muffin. Spinach. Coffee.

 

At the gym I’m able to work out. Dion, the owner usually hangs around past 9 to do his own things and lets me stay late.

 

Grabbing some groceries at Kroger.

 

Back home. Cleaning up and unpacking.

 

Catching up on business.

 

Snacking on PB&J Stackers.

 

Chores.

 

Sunday May 15 2022

 

Waking up nice and late around noon at a Days Inn in Woodbury, New York.

 

Breakfast Bar. Tea.

 

Rebecca and I corral the strings players into the red van and drive to the venue: The Tilles Center of Long Island University.

 

Egg Salad Sandwich with Coffee.

 

Setting up the stage and doing all the sound check stuff.

 

Catered dinner at 5:30 – Chicken Francese with Veggies and Pasta.

 

It’s an early show at 7:00. We get on stage and do our thing – energy is vibrant in the front row where a clan of young college kids dance and turn with every beat. Dealing with some issues at my keyboard rig – power kept cutting in and out. Luckily, Jimmy the Greek was nearby to help put out that fire and just in the nick of time before I had a keyboard solo.

 

 

Afterwards, doing the meet-and-greet and taking pictures. Then, breaking down the stage – the venue stage hands are a big help here. But it’s a constant hustle at load out – so much moving things around and packing things up.

 

Back at the hotel – nothing special happening – just snacking and settling down.